Student 1: Asking me for an example of an essay such as you are to write by Thursday would be less annoying if:
a) you didn't interrupt my current conference with a student to do it, and,
b) you'd actually read the assignment in the book, which contains several such examples.
Student 2: You look like you've been whacked in the back of the head, really hard, and you breathe through your mouth. Is it any wonder you missed the first three weeks of school? When you followed me back to my office to explain the situation, I was expecting something a bit better than "I was visiting with my grampa." You could have done the on-line assignments, but you didn't. Because, apparently you "weren't sure what to do." That seems to be your permanent state.
Student 3: Good question! The last day to drop this class without receiving a WP or a WF is Wednesday. If you haven't been doing the assignments, and haven't been reading, and do very poorly on the first test, what do you think will come after that W if you withdraw later? An F, yes, good thinking. So drop out now, Ms. "When is the last day to drop?" Asking that question is absolute proof that you need to do it before it's too late.
Student 4: What do you mean, you have some bad news, Student Taking Comp for the Seventh Time? Has my dog been run over by a golf cart? Has Simon Cowell decided to return to American Idol after all? Is Glee doing a special show featuring the "music" of Jewel? No? What is it then? Oh, you have not completed your rough draft, even though it was due today. How is that bad news for me? I personally am ecstatic about this, because it means I will not be required to read and comment upon your semi-literate prose. If I could only be so lucky as to get the bad news that you have not written the final paper and have in fact dropped the class entirely, my life would be complete.
Student 5: You plagiarized in my online class this summer--twice. After the first time you went on and on about what a good student you were blah blah blah, and then plagiarized the very next assignment. Guess what? You're suspended for a whole sememster, you big fat fucking liar! Screw you!
Stella's smackdowns are the smackiest!!
ReplyDeleteWhat is it with all these schools allowing students to take Comp 7 times?
ReplyDeleteChrist, even the CC I attended back in 1988 stopped them at 3 and made them take time off to re-think college.
"Stella's smackdowns are the smackiest!!"
ReplyDeleteWord.
I swear to god, there is something about posting online that makes students want to plagiarize all the more. They simply cannot resist that "copy" feature on the mouse.
ReplyDeleteSNOWFLAKE! STOP! DEACTIVATE IT!
Sometimes I daydream about universities requiring that students take 2 or so years between high school and college to work full-time and raise a little money for tuition.
During these two years, they could spend time with their many grandparents and attend their funerals without missing class. They can get fired from a job from skipping work too often. They can see what happens when they ignore the utility company's deadline (what happened to the lights??). And they can start college at age 20 with a better idea of what to expect from the cause/consequence relationship.
Or, ideally, at age 25.
Of course, too much later than that, and you have the non-traditional student who is paranoid about not being in school for so long or has to leave class early to pick up their 5 children. So they can't put off college too long.
They can see what happens when they ignore the utility company's deadline (what happened to the lights??).
ReplyDeleteWhen I was a post-doc, our next-door neighbors -- nice boys, really -- once complained to me that "the electric company is out to get us."
They ran around shirtless, in the middle of winter, and left the storm door open.