Stinky Stewie: Dude, I’m your TA—that’s, like, 1 step removed from your instructor. Most students avoid sitting by the TA like s/he is infected with the Black Death. So why, in this large auditorium full of small, crammed together, uncomfortable seats, did you decide to sit next to me when there were plenty of other seats open? I could have gotten through the two hours of class in close proximity to you, but then you made it your business to comment to me on everything the prof said. Really? I don't care about your interpretation of his statements. Oh, and P.S.: Your….breath….is….GHASTLY. Do you reserve teeth-brushing only for holidays and special occasions? My God, I could have smelled you from 10 feet away. Less than 10 inches away and I was holding the vomit down. Two words, buddy. ORAL. HYGIENE.
Slacking Sally: I fully respect the need to provide accommodations for those students with disabilities. Most students are pretty responsible about making sure the instructor is aware of their needs the first week of class. So when you email me a week before the first exam to tell me that you aren’t able to take notes and need me to find someone who HAS been taking notes for the past MONTH of class, I really want to tell you to go fuck yourself. Instead, I managed to find a note taker during class that very same day, and then I informed you that I would refer the note taker to the disability student service office so they could handle you. So WHY THE FUCK did you email AGAIN 2 hours after class to ask ME for her contact information? Are you worried you won’t get notes in time for the test? Then how about next time, you take some fucking responsibility for yourself. I am not here to be your personal assistant.
Cohort Cody: I adore my husband. What can I say? We’ve only been married three years, so maybe there’s still a lot of that “newlywed bliss” going on, but I adore him. We have a damn good marriage. I have made these facts abundantly clear to you. You have seen us together at department-related gatherings and student parties, where it is clear we are happy together. So why…the…hell do you send me flirtatious emails? Why do you launch those sly, solicitous looks my way? Why do you look for excuses to touch my arm or my shoulder? I am NOT into you—hell, I don’t even like you as a person. You are annoying and egotistical. Not to mention the fact that you are 17 YEARS MY SENIOR. Sir, you are technically old enough to be MY FATHER. Leave me alone before my husband busts. a. cap. in. your. ass.
Preach it, sistah! I know all three of those dumbasses. In my case, Stinky Stewie was my labmate and just had terrible hygiene in general. Aaack. And I'm even less sensitive to Slacking Sally than you are... I tend to think that most kids who claim disabilities are just whiners (how's THAT for honesty?). As to Cohort Cody, I just gush about my husband roughly every other sentence, until I'm basically too obnoxious to speak with. I also recommend a nice punch to the throat. That works, too.
ReplyDeleteCallie