I got an old-school style plagiarized paper today.
The paper ended abruptly. I thought: this isn't right. It also had really smooth style. Totally not right! So I googled the final sentence.
It didn't come from Wikipedia.
It didn't come from eCheaters.com
It didn't come from Facebook.
It came from a very slim 1958 book on the subject!! Dude had to type it up by hand, because only PDFs of the book exist through Google books. OLD SKOOL!! Part of me is impressed the guy worked so hard. The other part of me pissed, because it's the first plagiarized paper of the class and I thought that starting the semester off with a long discussion on this would nip it in the bud.
(I know, I was trying my damnedest to be naive)
I email the kid with my standard stern-ness, followed by a chance to come clean. Guy responds: AND PULLS RANK:
"Mrs Monkey" he begins (they ALL assume I'm married), "As a Ranking Colonel in the army protecting your life and freedom, I am appalled at your accusation of plagiarism.... I refuse to except [sic] your grade and will challenge the school about this." [Long discussion of paper, inaccurate explanation of what is IN the paper] And grand finale: "I work long and hard to keep you safe and I think you did the wrong to right [sic] me and accuse me of Plagiarism. Grammer [sic] and spelling I can stand, Sir, but not Plagiarism." End of communication. With a "sir" when he started with a "Mrs."
So I've done what he asked: I filed a formal plagiarism report. With a copy of the verbatim page. Colonel or not, this ranking officer is about to get a confirmation of "cheating" on his permanent record. And to think: all he had to do is apologize and rewrite the essay for 1/2 credit.
Fucker. Now I'm drinking in the late afternoon! I'm supposed to wait until after dinner, after the grading.
I admit I LOVE this story. Don't fuck with the monkey. Sir, indeed!
ReplyDeleteYou mean he had the chance to rewrite his essay for credit? That's pretty generous.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, nail this bastard to the wall. And here's the email you should send back:
Colonel Plagiarist:
As a professor at this university charged with educating you, I am appalled at the fact that you have plagiarized. I refuse to accept this paper as honest work, as you have stolen it from (insert source here). I have fully informed the university of your actions. I work long and hard to educate my students and you did the wrong thing by plagiarizing your assignment. Mistakes in grammar and spelling I can stand, Sir, but not plagiarism.
Signed, Dr. Monkey
Seriously, fuck you, Colonel Asshole. You doing your job does not mean you get to tell me not to do mine. Fuck you.
You might want to attach his email to your report, to demonstrate his actual grasp of spelling and grammar ...
ReplyDeleteSnowflakes exist at all levels in all professions...
ReplyDeleteHow many reports did he copy from in his rise to the position of Colonel? We can only wonder how often he's stolen another's work to rise to his lofty, bullying position.
He should be ashamed.
And with full awareness of the fact I may be pounced upon for saying this:
How many of those who feel so proud that they protect our "life and freedom" seem to use that argument to skirt around the issue that they are doing boneheaded things? It seems to be a regular trope in this Post-Patriot Act/Post-9/11 era. I wouldn't say it's common, but perhaps uncommon (but more frequent than rare)? And I find it troubling.
I once went through a similar situation, and it was at this point that the snowflake emailed me back to say, "Dear Dr. Bubba, I'm really, really sorry about the paper and the email you received. As it turns out, my crazy 12-year-old daughter somehow hacked into my email account and submitted the paper and sent that email. I apologize profusely on behalf of my daughter. This is all just a big mix-up. I will get my real paper in your mailbox first thing tomorrow morning."
ReplyDeleteI did not reply to that message. Rather, I let the bastard snowflake waste his time writing the paper. Then, I gave him the big fucking ZERO he earned for the assignment.
Fuck the administration, the registrar, the dean of students, the "permanent file," and all that shit. I don't waste my time going through that process. I just grade them like I see them. That's how the little fuckers learn what not to do.
This doesn't smell right. You have to have a masters degree to become a colonel. Maybe he is a corporal. That's a pretty low rank.
ReplyDelete-Mike
@Meanest Prof Ever: My former soldiers, like my ex-cons, tend to be kind and well-behaved. I would be glad to have a class full of either--or both! I don't know which I love more. They seem to have a good grasp on discipline and respect.
ReplyDeleteI'll bet you a dollar this clown has never served a day in his life in the armed forces. Or if he has, he's a retired E3 and not a commissioned officer. Most (admittedly not all) people who manage to rise to the rank of colonel don't tend to use their rank as an excuse for idiotic behavior. They also all have college degrees.
ReplyDeleteSemper Fib,
Kenny Keener
All this information about how one becomes a colonel is most enlightening. This particular class is part of a program online that tries to teach active duty people in Afghanistan, Kuwait, etc so they will complete their tours of duty with a degree and some idea of how to write/research/think critically. WHICH is why I'm a little easy on them if they fuck up big time (I'm never so forgiving in person).
ReplyDeleteBut the thing about being nice to these guys is that if they're dicks to me, I pull rank on them back: the military hierarchy gets pissed when they find out you've been plagiarizing on government dime.
Which makes my job MUCH easier.
(Meanest: I detect the hints of anti-patriotism. Please to watch last week's Colbert Report "Returnification of the Ameri-CAN-do Troopscape" -- it'll make even the most anti-American citizen feel proud of invading Iraq)
In general, yes, the soldiers or ex-soldiers I get are not only respectful--about which I could give a naked mole rat's ass--but very thoughtful and committed to learning. I'd love to have a class full of them, assuming we were well away from backfiring cars and sand and palm landscaping.
ReplyDeleteTypically, the few crazier and more aggressive or slimier ones I've had have not served in Iraq or Afghanistan. And they're the bottom of the barrel, ready to trot out the non-sequitur that protecting my life and freedom (I'm genuinely not sure how, given the international situation) somehow either 1) is an imprimatur of total selflessness or 2) (more likely) so obliges me to them that I can't expect them to do things like tolerate the opinions of others or do coherent (and maybe original) work.
After reading the comments, I reread the original email, and I've got to agree. Colonel Copy is as much an officer as I am.
I've just leafed through the Uniform Code of Military Justice, and you could get him court-martialed on conduct unbecoming an officer, conduct of a nature to bring discredit upon the armed forces and, if he is being paid for taking this class, fraud against the United States. If you are really, really angry, forward the messages to whoever is in above him and see him busted down to corporal (yeah, sure)
ReplyDeleteMis-representing one's rank is a serious violation of the Uniform Code of Military Justice. Find out whether he really is a Colonel. If he isn't, he's at your mercy. A quick letter to his Commanding Officer, with copies of his plagiarized work and the original source, and his disrespectful message to you, would be quite enough to end his military career. It quite possibly also would put him in the brig.
ReplyDeleteOops, I've just made reference to my own Navy service. I have a picture on my web page of myself at age 22 at the conn of a nuclear submarine. It comes in handy whenever I get students, military or not, who whine at me.
The argument that they can do anything they want because they're "preserving your freedom" is nonsense, of course, because any military needs to be disciplined, in order to be effective. But then, I've known plenty of Colonels with single-digit IQs. If he's in your classroom, you outrank him: he really ought to know this.
The nice thing about colonels is that they all have generals. So it's really a shame that FERPA prevents you from picking up the phone. Of course, I might have said, "Sure you can re-write that paper for half credit, if you have your superior officer write me a letter addressing why, since you are a colonel, you should be except from the practices of academic honesty. And sign this FERPA release form I keep in my desk allowing me to follow up with your superior officer about this issue."
ReplyDeleteI, too, get misaddressed all the time and have taken the subliminal approach. I sign all my emails to students with Dr. Crazy Math Professor and take many opportunities to refer to myself in the 3rd person as Dr. CMP.
I would be less offended by the "Sir" than the misadress since by calling you "Sir" he in a somewhat passive-aggressive way acknowledged that indeed you were his superior. He hates it but he knows it's true.
Stick to your guns and don't let him wiggle an inch. He will fall in line once he understands you mean business and you aren't going to let him take charge.
I like Stella's email idea but I'd not flat out call him a thief. I might write:
It is clear to me that there is an academic honesty issue here. Your paper is identical in content, wording, and style to a 1958 text. Statistically it is nearly an impossibility that your entire paper would be identical to this other author's. So there are two possibilities. Either you copied the text and tried to pass it off as your own work (which is the definition of plagarism) or you wrote these words before 1958 and they were stolen by the published author. If it is the latter then you are re-using a work previously submitted which not withstanding the published "theft" still qualifies as academic dishonesty. This is behavior I'd expect from my 18 year old first time freshman not a grown man who has dedicated his life to honor. I will give you two options. You may, for half credit, write an ORIGINAL paper on the topic or you may maintain your innocence and I will submit this for review by [AM School's Academic Dishonesty Office]. Should you choose the latter option, if found guilty (and I'm confident that will be the outcome) this will go on your record and you will earn an F in the course. It's up to you.
Maybe he's Colonel...Mustard?
ReplyDeleteColonel Klink? Schuuuuuuuuuuuuuultz!
Colonel Sanders?
Colonel Copy & Paste?
Wherever you send him, will you take along my "I'm ROTC and I have to get a C in this class [or you are unpatriotic]" dudes too?
ReplyDeleteMarcia,
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to tolerate any disrespect, such as casting aspersions on your patriotism, from ROTC cadets. Indeed, you shouldn't. If you can document anything untoward they say or do, a letter to the ROTC unit's Commanding Officer is guaranteed to go into their file. I promise that it will keep them out of positions of leadership or responsibility, for the rest of their time in the service. You are not doing the U.S.A. a disservice by enforcing discipline: the country depends on -good- people to defend it.
Julio,
You may be quite sure there will be serious military repercussions for violations like these. One or more busts in rank and a set of orders you wouldn't believe (Recycling Officer in Thule, Greenland) would be about right. The key here is documentation: the military loves its paperwork. Wouldn't you know, that's exactly what we academics do, and even better than they do.
All officers already have a bachelor's degree. All officers above the rank of captain already have a masters degree. Most generals have a PhD. Just judging by the spelling and grammar in his email, I would say that he is not an officer.
ReplyDeleteLook, military dudes and dudettes, I totally see how your experience varies. You've encountered more military people than most of us. But see what Marcia's experience is? Well, I have had a FEW similar incidents. (Which is why I specifically said it wasn't common, but it is an observable phenomenon...just start looking and you will see the embarrassing behavior. I'm serious.)
ReplyDeleteAlso, does anyone else read your local paper's op-eds? It seems like once a month in mine some crackpot former officer (or so they say) spouts some nonsense with the same basic argument as what Monkey described (usually with regard to American exceptionialism or Jingoism instead of plagiarism and cheating though).
To be honest, the most respectful and well-disciplined students I have had often reveal themselves to be either ROTC or reservists (the others are athletes of lesser sports or plain, old disciplined civilians). I often have no clue about their other training until near the end of class. The ones who make it front and center in some argument to get out doing the work (or doing it right) are the ones I am discussing. In my experience, it's an observable trend. (Of course, I have taught at some respected-but-actually-crappy schools too. Context matters.)
They exist, so let's not pretend they don't.
And Comrade Monkey, I shall seek out Captain Colbert's clip right after I finish writing a screed against the ills of romantic nationalism gone awry in Nazi Germany. Oh, and sing a chorus of "The Star-spangled Banner."
Dear Meanie,
ReplyDeleteOnce again, you are right. They do exist. They shouldn't. I promise that you can do something about it, by sending a letter to their CO. I think you should.
Marcia,
ReplyDeleteWhile not ROTC, I had an experience with a couple of our Public Safety cadets. During a break in one of their classes, two of them were making enough noise for an entire Army brigade right outside my classroom door. I politely asked them to cease and desist such behavior, and they did for about a minute before starting again. At that point, I dressed them down (my father was Army; I learned from an expert). The first thing taught in their introductory class is to respect any and all faculty members as they would those in their program (I got this from their program director, whose office was next to mine). After a few seconds of reading them the riot act, I could tell they weren't listening. That was until "WHEN A FACULTY MEMBER SPEAKS TO YOU, YOU ARE TO STAND AT ATTENTION, CADETS!" at which point they did and I let them know how I really felt. Not only did they not do it again, no students in the class that was interrupted fucked with me in any way that semester.
I guess that the moral of the story is to use their training to your advantage. Then again, I suppose that it's easier to do that if the students aren't in your class.
I think there has to be alternative ways to get an officer's rank.
ReplyDeleteA lot of my students have military emails and a long list of honors after their names. But they're working on a general ed BA or BS. If they already had a degree, or a Master's, why get a second one on a government-funded, only nationally-accredited, online university, WHILE on active duty?
Since "Colonel" Copy doesn't sound like the sharpest knife in the drawer (he certainly doesn't write like it, and the U.S. military stresses good writing skills), tell him, "I don't believe you are a colonel. Let me see your military ID card!" It will show his rank, clearly.
ReplyDeleteIt's not necessary for you to know his rank, though. Find out what unit he's in, and send a letter to the CO, documenting his plagiarism. Mention in the letter that he said we was a colonel. If he's not a colonel, he'll quickly be in a whole world of shit, if you'll pardon my military dialect.
Say what you will about the U.S. military, they have a long tradition of stressing education. Even if you're going to be just a little scope dope, doing nothing but staring at a radar screen all day long, they will teach you how to build a radar. It might just come in useful. (Navy Nuclear Power School was impressive.) Colonel Copy might have a B.A., and be working on a Master's, or may be trying to switch fields, e.g., engineering to management.
The "Colonel" may have been grandfathered in as far as his degree goes. Also, I have had officers take my classes just to learn something or because one of their higher-ups told them to take the class.
ReplyDeleteCheating in a class, especially if the military pays for it, is indeed a violation of UCMJ and they can in theory go to military prison for defrauding the government. I had two sailors on a ship get called to the Captain's Mast for a dressing-down and a reduction in rank.
And I always point out to students that in my classroom, unless the head of my school or division comes to visit from Germany, I outrank everyone. In my classroom and in matters relating to it, I have seven stars.
Letting him even have the option for half-credit is far more generous than I ever am. One case of plagiarizing, if caught, and they are done with my class, my school, and often with any military funding for future classes.
Many moons ago when I was in undergrad I took a course that was required for the major that most ROTC cadets fell into and the first day the professor informed the class that he had in the past stopped the commissioning of cadets who cheated in his class and he would do it again. I know it put the fear of god into some of them.
ReplyDeleteMonkey, would you be able to provide us with an update on the Colonel when the time comes?
ReplyDeleteDoes FERPA apply to military personnel? Civil rights certainly do not.
ReplyDeleteI would like to hear, as well. All the advice has been good! And what people are saying is correct about the correlation of rank and degree--this man sounds more like a wanna-be flake who thinks he can bully you. Don't back down.
ReplyDeleteI am *sick* of always having to deal with plagiarism.
As for Google Books, actually Zotero will save the .PDF of the page. Then run OCR on it and voila, you have the text. However, "Colonel" ImaBully Andajackass may not have the smarts or savvy for that.
ReplyDeleteAnd we have a confession!!
ReplyDeleteThe Colonel has now realized what a shitstorm decision refusing to "accept" my initial grade and communication was. (esp since he now has to accept the 1% rather than get any second chance)
He proceeded to suggest that the slim volume from which he copied was actually itself guilty of plagiarizing -- not from HIM, but "from the study source I use."
Oh, Colonel, what "study source" is that??
It's an online collection of fair-use books that happens to include a slim volume on the subject from 1958. WHAT D'YA KNOW?
So now he's all apologetic and begging me to give him another chance. And I have sent the entire conversation to the Dean. Because, at his request, the Dean is now involved and it is, 100%, out of my benevolent hands.
Pull rank on that.
I <3 U, Scholastic Cercopithecoid
ReplyDeleteAh, whoo!, Academic Monkey. Good fer you!
ReplyDeleteI should be clear that I've had some great ROTC students. And I've found that saying "I'd be happy to talk with your supervising officer about the reasons your grade is below a C [and, if necessary, about my patriotism]" sends them packing.
I am watching a show called "I Was Bitten" on Animal Planet and dreading the start of the quarter. Coincidence?
Not to derail this very interesting discussion about the Uniform Code of Military Conduct and all, but I gotta back up and ask: You actually let your plagiarists rewrite the essay for half credit? You're very generous. Either that or I'm a complete bastard. If I've got them dead to rights I file a formal complaint with the college and stamp an F for the course on their smooth, unlined foreheads.
ReplyDeleteEnoch, to quote Monkey above:
ReplyDelete"This particular class is part of a program online that tries to teach active duty people in Afghanistan, Kuwait, etc so they will complete their tours of duty with a degree and some idea of how to write/research/think critically. WHICH is why I'm a little easy on them if they fuck up big time (I'm never so forgiving in person)."
Here's hoping it works on most of those interested. And that Colonel Copy gets a General-style spanking.
Woot! You rock, Educational Simian :) :) :)
ReplyDelete