Department Meeting Today

Earlier I confessed I like some meetings. Department meetings do not fall into that category. I was lucky enough to be at another meeting last month, so I missed the 45-minute discussion about what our "department motto" should be. (It turned out to be some crap about customer service.) Meetings are always scheduled for no longer than 90 minutes. We rarely meet that deadline, and if we do, it's only because the chairperson rushes us through the really important matters while letting certain people engage in enough verbal wanking to make a word porn flick.

Our chairperson does not like agendas and provides them only because enough of us complain about not knowing why we're meeting. That agenda is only a suggestion, however. We could be on any topic at any time. He especially likes to hear the sound of his own voice while he's spinning information. He always provides just enough to make himself look good as he fights the evil admins to maintain our departmental integrity. (Translation: I am going to do whatever I want and let you do whatever you want too, particularly if that means doing nothing. You don't need to know what we're really supposed to be doing. Then when the dean gets pissed, it will be all his fault for trampling on our freedom.)

Despite what the agenda says (promotion and tenure, retirements, scheduling, learning outcomes, and when to hold future meetings--and I guarantee that last item will take at least 30 minutes), I predict we will spend much of the time gushing over developmental education, the hottest item at the college now because we got a bunch of grants. It seems as if that's all we talk about despite the fact that most of our students take regular courses and we have plenty of issues to deal with there too. And a good portion of the meeting will also be devoted to worshiping at the altar built for Ancient Andrew, who fancies himself a developmental expert because he once went to a seminar and is well-known for his groundbreaking assignment in which he holds class outdoors, has students bring in objects they find on campus and write poetry about them, and then makes the rest of the class guess whose poem goes with which object. (The purpose of the course is to teach students to pass the essay placement test so they can take college-level English.)

I used to think departmental meetings were important, that they could make a difference in the way we teach and get things done. I've since learned they are nothing more than political posturing sessions for our chair, "Oh, aren't we wonderful?" pep rallies for those who are most definitely not, and venting opportunities for faculty to rail against the administration, even though they have no idea what they are really railing against because of the first item in this list.