No doubt more will follow, but let me start here.
* ahem *
1. Dear Overcommited Octavia -- I don't know why you are taking twice the normal course load for a student at this institution. I mean, I do know why, it's because you are a voice major and voice majors apparently have, like, a gazillion requirements, like? And it's like really hard? And the teachers are like really inflexible? I'm also kind of pissed off that, like, even though you and your little friends TALKED CONSTANTLY during class you want, like, special treatment? And stuff? And why, incidentally, does MY class take a back seat to voice? Oh, right, because it's like your major even though, like you might, like...really major in this social science thing?
2. Dear Visiting Victor -- My office is conveniently located immediately adjacent to the Men's room. In fact, it's so conveniently located that I can hear when Dr. Exploding Pants has been eating a lot of fiber, and I also know when Dr. Drinky Bottoms has been hydrating heavily. HOWEVER, this does not mean that you need to talk to me every time you stop by. It doesn't. Really. You are a nice person and you would be nicer if you did not talk to me every single time you took a wee.
3. Dear Nutsack Nate -- You and your friend (why do you always come in pairs?) came by office hours yesterday. During our roughly fifteen minute conversation, you adjusted your scrotum approximately five times. FIVE. Now, it's not that I was staring at your crotch, it's more that my peripheral vision DOES pick up vision two or three feet away from what I'm looking at. So, if I look you in the eye, I can see you adjust yourself. Fun times!
4. Dear Staring Sara and Ogling Olivia -- That conversation we had yesterday about the guy in the hall with the Starvistanian accent who also happens to play rugby with my boyfriend was TOTALLY inappropriate. I also confess my lack of sleep may have facilitated my willingess to allow the two of you to sit facing the door as we talked. Please don't tell anyone about that.
5. Dear Dying Granny David, Dying Auntie Andrew, and Dying Demanding Paterfamilias Peter -- Dude. Really?
* bows *
Please be sure to visit the hilarity that is "Shit My Students Write" and marvel at the hilarity that is...students strung out on Red Bull.
5. The probability of a student relative dying is in exact proportion to the amount of coursework the student must complete that week.
ReplyDeleteIf you or your loved ones have students as relatives, you have been warned.
OMG.
ReplyDeleteMy very first day teaching (ever) this guy in the second row spread his legs and scratched his nuts the entire time.
I always do this stupid ice-breaker on day 1 where we toss around a dog toy or other stuffed animal and have students introduce themselves. Nobody wanted to throw the toy to the nut scratcher.
Then the toy got around to the good kid of the class, who decided to give the nut scratcher a break. And I thought to myself, "Good! He'll have to stop then!"
But no. He left his left hand firmly planted on his testicles, his right arm swung up in the air, caught the toy, he introduced himself, and then he threw it to somebody else, all while never missing a scratch of his balls.
That, ladies and gentlemen, was my first day in the classroom.
Hi Profs.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like your male students have encountered their first STIs. Abstinence Education doesn't prepare them for these symptoms. Most guys don't know what to do about the persistent itching in their crotches so they ignore it until the inflammation is to much. And then they have permanent damage.
You might get a few pamphlets from your local Planned Parenthood and leave them out for your scratchers. Or leave em be -- impotence might be good for this generation.
Today, I got the triple whammy: flu, computer trouble, AND a dead grandfather. Plus everyone's favourite: "But I really need to pass this class." I was told I had no compassion.
ReplyDelete@Monkey, you are my new hero. I hadn't thought about that AT ALL, but...oh dear lord. (Picture me laughing so hard my eyes tear up.)
ReplyDeleteIssyvoo: Yes. I am a "bitch" according to a course eval...I guess I'm lucky that it's only one, non?
How can you be so cruel to assume that a student's relative has not actually passed away? Wouldn't a better response be to pass a sympathy card around the class and request obituary information so that the student's friends may lighten his mourning by cards and visits?
ReplyDelete