Humpday Redux (Warning: Long and Begins with Reference to Girl Parts)

First day of the first summer session.

6:00 a.m. Awaken with worst bloody cramps in adult memory. Pop maximum dose of ibuprofen and down hot coffee. Pray for menopause.

6:30 a.m. Make mistake of checking LD3C email and see subject lines that indicate general unhappiness with last semester's grades. Ignore said email.

8:00 a.m. Arrive at LD3C to find phone messages that indicate general unhappiness with last semester's grades. Ignore said phone messages.

9:00 a.m. Arrive at classroom to find that door won't open. Call public safety. Door still won't open. By 9:10, students begin to get restless. Public safety declares door broken.

9:15 a.m. Leave to find someone who can open the door. Ask students to stay put.

9:16 a.m. Locate someone from physical facilities and bring him to the classroom.

9:20 a.m. Door still won't open.

9:25 a.m. Watch as three people from physical facilities discuss door. Someone suggests that I find another classroom--impossible (I've checked) because we're 1,000 students over last summer's enrollment and the New Building Fairy hasn't left us any more classrooms under our collective pillows.

9:28 a.m. Watch as door is taken off its hinges at the suggestion of only woman from physical facilities present to help.

9:50 a.m. Class is well settled in and has been writing a small response to kick things off. Religious Rebecca walks in, declaring loudly that she serves the Lord. Religious Rebecca sits in front row and grumbles about having to write.

10:30 a.m. Religious Rebecca interrupts me to ask a question about something in the syllabus that I've just explained. I try to answer and she gives me the hand and tells me not to interrupt her. She continues to ramble, and I attempt to try to stop her again. She tells me that I'm being disrespectful; I tell her politely to talk to me later if she needs to and I attempt to move on.

10:45 a.m. Religious Rebecca begins to praise the Lord--loudly, repeatedly. I tell her quietly to stop because she's being disruptive. She ignores me and continues to praise Jesus. I tell her again to stop and she becomes belligerent. I tell her to step out into the hallway with me. She interrupts me in the hallway and won't let me give her the ground rules. I tell her she needs to leave. She goes back into classroom to retrieve her things, praising the Lord and cursing me all at once.

11:15 a.m. Arrive at office after class to find voice mail from chair about Religious Rebecca, who wants a meeting. Arrange for meeting later in day.

11:30 a.m. Begin to answer emails and phone messages from grade-grubbing students. "I'm so disappointed in my A-!" declares Annoying Annie. "Isn't there something you can do?" Yes, there's plenty I can do. I'm thinking what I'd like to do begins with "vod" and ends with "ka."

12:30 p.m. Finish message duty and turn attention to email from various people in college who need me to do something. Attempt to do things for various people around college.

1:00 p.m. Arrive at second class and am relieved that door opens. The computer, however, does not work. Indulge in one-second fantasy about hitting Mega Millions.

2:00 p.m. Give class a ten-minute break, during which Strange Stan says that he notices one of my piercings. "Got any tats hidden under those clothes?" he asks. Consider jumping out second-story window.

3:15 p.m. Arrive at my office after class to find three students from last semester waiting for me--all of whom I talked to or emailed earlier to tell them to make appointments to discuss grades. "But I was right here on campus, so I thought I'd come by," is the general message. I make appointments anyway and send them away.

3:15 p.m. Simultaneously notice Religious Rebecca standing across from office door. She does not approach, and our appointment isn't until 4:30.

3:20 p.m. Religious Rebecca wants to meet now. "I'm sorry," I say, "but my chair isn't here to meet now. Please come back at 4:30." Religious Rebecca walks away praising Jesus.

4:30 p.m. Religious Rebecca is nowhere to be found. Chair and I are relieved but know that she'll be back. Chair has found that Religious Rebecca has a certain history and reputation at LD3C.

5:30 p.m. Finish writing up an incident report for all necessary authorities and channels.

5:35 p.m. Make the mistake of answering the phone. It's Strange Stan. "Have you read that essay yet?" he asks. "You said you'd read it tonight. There are a few things in it that I'd like to explain. I have so much to say about religion." That first-day writing assignment was about writing.

5:45 p.m. Finally manage to get Strange Stan off phone. Relieved there's no discussion about what may or may not be under my clothes. Document everything that has transpired with Strange Stan during course of day. Email copy to chair.

6:05 p.m. Finish photocopies for Thursday's class.

6:08 p.m. Make mistake of making eye contact with students milling about in the hall outside of department office, which is also near my office. "Mam? Do you know where our teacher is? Class was supposed to start at 6:00 and no one's here." Head to office to look up class and teacher and call public safety to see if they know anything.

6:15 p.m. Public safety knows nothing about this. Students crowd my door and ask me what to do. I tell them it's polite to wait for a short time, that maybe the instructor was stuck in traffic.

6:35 p.m. Most students disperse, but Parolee Pete says he needs proof that he's been here so that he doesn't violate. He thrusts a sheet of paper at me and tells me to sign it. I decline. I explain that only his instructor can sign the sheet. I suggest he go to public safety. He becomes agitated and loud. There's no one else in the hall. I excuse myself, close my office door, and call public safety.

6:37 p.m. Public safety arrives and calms Parolee Pete, who leaves. Then public safety escorts me to my car...which has been scratched in the faculty lot. There is no note.

7:00 p.m. Pull into my driveway only to realize that I'm out of coffee. Put the car in reverse, go to the store, purchase coffee and vodka.

7:20 p.m. Arrive home. Praise the Lord that there's orange juice in the fridge.