Grading papers, putting the final together and watching NCIS.I normally don't watch this show. The stories of murder and treachery really get to me. But this particular episode got my attention. It was about a commanding officer who murdered a trainee by handing him a parachute that had been sabotaged. He then tried to cover it up, albeit unsuccessfully.
Memories of Lead-Poisoning CC quickly flooded my mind.
(flashback)
Chair: Good morning EMH! Thank you for allowing me to observe your class. I know that it has been a difficult semester for you with the behavior issues and all. Let's start out with the kudos...
Chair: Now, let's turn to the things we would like you to improve on. You don't seem to be managing your classroom all that well.
Me: Okay.
Chair: For starters, the pencil sharpener in your classroom doesn't work.
Me: Excuse me for interrupting, but I called that in last week. Not only that, but didn't one of the faculty members break it in a fit of rage when he threw a chair at it?
Chair: He has tenure...
Chair: You are also allowing your students a great deal of in and out privileges. Students are leaving class and coming back and then leaving again. Not only that, but you are allowing them to text in class as well. If I were you, I would remind them that once they leave class, they are done for the day.
Me: Um, that's not consistent with ...
Chair: Which reminds me of the incident last week when you would not allow a student to re-enter the classroom after they had left. You cannot do that. The texting, the in and out privileges, we're going to have to document these and place them in your file.Me: But you just said...
Chair: (giving me the hand) and also the incident where you had asked the student to stop texting in class and they told you to fuck-off. I understand why you filed a behavior-alert but when students curse at you, it only shows what a crappy teacher you are. I just cannot see how to justify rehiring you for next semester.
Me: I have these incidents documented with the departments non-response. I would like them placed in my file.
Chair: The tutoring center always needs scratch-paper...
Me: You are damaging my programming.
Chair: EMH, you have to understand that not many of our students have benefited from quality parenting.
Me: Perhaps I should have raised them better. My apologies!
(The next day.)
Dean: Computer, activate EMH.
(Computer chirps. EMH appears.)
Me: Please state the nature...
Dean: EMH, we need to talk. We've made the decision to let you go.
Me: But...
Dean: Computer, decompile EMH.
Computer: (chirping) Unable to comply. Decompilation requires EMH authorization alpha 420.
Dean: Well, don't just stand there. The computer is waiting for your authorization.
Me: Screw you! I will not consent to my being decompiled!
Dean: Well, in that case... Computer, deactivate EMH. Transfer programming to central Starfleet database reserve bank.
Dean: (smiling) At least the cake was good. So moist and delicious.
They hate you cuz you're a Trekkie fool. Of course they had to punt you.
ReplyDeleteActually, I kept my star-trek out of the classroom and off campus. It may be hard to believe since I don't keep it away from here. An anonymous blog brings things out sometimes.
ReplyDeleteBut Snarky, don't you think that's a shallow reason, and that we should expect those in academia to behave better?
Oh by the way, Lead Poisoning CC's Math Dept lost its accreditation. The dept had this thing about intimidating adjuncts, and not allowing them to manage their classrooms. It was common to hear stories of students locking instructors out of their classrooms, throwing parties, spitting at and cursing at instructors. Then, one day, the accreditation board did their planned inspection, saw the chaos, and the shit hit the fan.
ReplyDeleteUm...Lead Poisoning CC apparently had much larger problems than just not appreciating your cybernetic self.
ReplyDeleteSounds like respect was not on their agenda at all.
And some people still don't believe this shit happens on their campuses everyday. I am just glad an accrediting board witnessed it and shut them down (well, sorts...I am sure they're still raking in the moolah).
I am so sorry to hear the news, EMH. I just finished watching the new episode of Doctor Who and I think you need to download it off iTunes. Now, Doctor Who's medical hologram is strong minded, empowered, and no nonsense. That's the kind of EMH you should be! :-)
ReplyDelete@ Crazy
ReplyDeleteActually, it was a memory of what happened 2 years ago in California. I am currently employed at a different place, and they seem to be working out despite the other issues I posted on this site.
@EMH: "Don't you think . . . that we should expect those in academia to behave better?"
ReplyDeleteYes, but when have they ever proven us right?
At least their accrediting agency had some common sense. I wish accreditors would walk by every time an administrator instructs a faculty member to use an incident of plagiarism as a "teachable moment"--an argument against outright failing our precious little sources of income.
@EMH: I once worked with someone who came to work regularly dressed in Star Fleet uniform. That wasn't you, was it? Personally, I think if you WERE doing the Star Trek theme in class, more people would have cell phones out recording you and fewer would get up to go to the bathroom for fear of missing a 'recordable' moment. ;o) It's always our fault when we can't handle the 'flakes. We are society's last resort, apparently...
ReplyDeleteI'm considering doing what radio stations do by holding a contest worth 10 random extra points if students can identify something very specific I said the day before. How many winners do you think I'll have? I'll give 20 points if they can tell me how many people USE pencil sharpeners anymore.
Our brand-spanking-new one-computer-per-student high tech classrooms each have a pencil sharpener of at least 60-year-old design (a very good design, and sometimes more reliable than the higher-tech components of the room). Our conference rooms, however, do not. Go figure.
ReplyDeleteResistance is futile.
ReplyDelete