More Email, Damn It

I know that a couple of recent posts have been about emails, but this one is just too good to resist.

This email was forwarded to me by my chair because he knows that I’m in the same room prior to the referenced class and that I know the newest version of the software at issue (just released this summer) pretty well. The email was forwarded to me after being forwarded to my chair from another colleague, to whom the email was erroneously sent.

As always, the email has been adapted to protect my job the innocent, sufficiently snarked, and sanitized for your protection.

----- Forwarded message -----

From: "Arrogant Ass Clown Aaron"

Date: Wed, Sep 14, 2011 6:66 pm

Subject: Professor Luddite.

To: "Not The Chair" notthechair@ccsod.edu.com.org.us.ca.uk

Mr. Notthechair. (It’s Dr. Notthechair. Furthermore he’s not the chair. Good grief, the name should say it all.) Hello and Good afternoon my name is Arrogant Ass Clown Aaron. I am enrolled in Prof. Luddite's 2pm Before the Intro to Macrame, In Fact This Is Shit I Should Have Learned in Second Grade 101 class on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have a very serious issue that needs to be rectified. (So does Professor Luddite. You.) We are leaving week three of class (It’s not Thursday yet, dumbass. Are you not planning on attending tomorrow?) and still we have not received a correct working access code for Publisher-Driven Web Requirement. We have been given four codes none have worked. I spoke to a Representative at Publisher (I didn’t realize that they had been elected to Congress.) and they told me that Prof. Luddite has incorrect dates for the semester on his end of the program. Several students including myself have explained this to him and he has simply dismissed our attempts to help in the situation. (If your attempts were as rude as this email is beginning, I don’t blame him.)



The issues are 1. (Interesting sentence. Does this mean that the complaints are number 2?) As a student if I purchase access to the website an online book is part of the package. This cost is half the cost of buying hard copy and receiving an online version plus the access to do the assignments. (We know. That’s why you’re given the option at the bookstore to purchase access only.) Last Semester in the same class Prof. SomeotherprofessorwhosenameIdon’trememberbecauseitdidn’treallymattertome allowed us to do this very thing. (How odd. That’s why the bookstore has access-only purchases available.) I asked Prof. Luddite and he agreed that this course of action would be ok. (Have you been fucking paying attention? And c’mon, “course of action”? Who the fuck do you think you’re kidding?) However, in the time we have been in class and messing around with these wrong codes homework assignments are do. (What are they do? Do all your base are belong to us?) I have purchased the access however I cannot access it in order to do the homework. (OK, now I’m confused. You can’t access the access? WTF.)



2. In the syllabus, never, does it state we need and access to an online service. (That extra pause gave me whiplash.) It simply lists one book with one ISBN number. (Did you even look to see that the ISBN provided was for the text that came with access bundled? And “ISBN number” is redundant, dumbass.)



3. . I have attended every class with the exception of the second day due to a medical issue involving a recent surgery. I notified Prof. Luddite by voice mail which he stated to me during the next class that he does not check, however in his syllabus he states that voice mail is the way to contact him. (I guarantee that he said he “hadn’t checked yet”. How do I know? I hadn’t left the classroom yet.) It also states to contact him via email but no email is listed. (Probably a minor oversight. However, seeing as we all have college-provided email addresses, it shouldn’t be too hard to puzzle out profluddite@ccsod.edu.com.org.us.ca.uk.) After speaking with another student in the class he (Who?) expressed to me that he (Who, dammit?) had been emailing Luddite (That’s still Professor Luddite to you, asshole.) for weeks prior to the start of class and he (If I have to ask “Who?” again, I’m going to send Strelnikov and his goons after you.) never responded to any emails. (And each time “another student” received the same Out Of Office reply that I did.)



These issues should have been situated before the semester began. (Yeah, situated straight up your candy ass. By the way, here comes the punchline.) As a student and a paying customer (AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGHHH! If this WERE a business, THEN you’d be a customer. You are only paying for access to the class, one that you should not need to take if you were promoted to the third grade from the second. If it WERE a business, I would most definitely institute a “Reserve the Right to Refuse Service to the Stupid” policy just for you. Furthermore, you haven’t paid for a single class for the three years you’ve been here. You’re on a fee waiver. Yeah, I can look it up.) I am disappointed. This instructor seems to lack the ability to successfully negotiate this course. (OK, now I’m convinced about the “Reserve the Right to Refuse Service to the Stupid” policy. Didn’t you just say that you took this course last semester? Who can’t successfully negotiate this course again?)



I am waiting for your response. (Keep waiting, asshole.)



Very disappointed (As am I.)



Arrogant Ass Clown Aaron

My chair forward this to me with the email:

“Can you help out Luddite here?”

My response:

“Sure, but what if miss the shot?”