College Misery

Inflexible English Prof Ruins 'Game of the Century' 

By Glenn Guilbeau, Gannett Louisiana

Updated 7h 50m ago

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Sophomore RB Spencer Ware of LSU
evades a tackler as smoothly
as he evaded a 4 page analysis of Karl Marx
that was due last week in his Poli Sci class.

TUSCALOOSA, Ala. – The "Game of the Century" had no touchdowns, but it had a very happy ending for LSU. Drew Alleman kicked a 25-yard field goal in overtime to send the #1 ranked Tigers past the #2 Crimson Tide.

Yet, most observers wonder if things might have been different had Alabama English professor Marshall Winston not assigned such a long and complicated essay assignment  to his students, including sophomore field goal kicker Reggie Utrecht.

"Usually we just do assignments in class, 250 words on some old poem. But this week we had to type the thing and include a bibliography," Utretch told reporters from his dorm in Bryant Hall.

It was two of Utrecht's replacements, Cade Foster and Jeremy Shelly, who missed 4 out of 6 field goal attempts, that sunk the Tide's chances at becoming the top ranked team in the nation. "I take English, too," Foster said. "But I've got some sorority candy who does my papers." 

Coach Nick Saban said after the game, "Listen, I know some of my players take classes, but I never wanted them to be fanatics about it. With Utrech in the game, our chances would have been much higher. What that kid needs to know about William Wordsworth is beyond me. I just hope that Trent [Richardson, the Bama tailback] gets his damn lab projects turned in before we have to go play Mississippi State next week."