Another Amazing Email from a Senior in College

Im sorry to already be doing this but I will not be attending class tomoro due to the fact that i have a prior engagement to attend to due to the fact that I just was able to finalize today. I did not think I would be attending school at all this semester but thankfully I was able to finalize and continue my college career. I will be there from here on out though. Thank you

Would you rather? (Snowflake grading edition)

Would you rather:

Mark a paper that bears an astonishing, though inadvertent, stylistic resemblance to A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man? (Once upon a time there was a moo cow coming down the road and...3/4 of a page later, it's still the same run on-sentence.)

or

Mark a paper written by an exceptionally bright girl who expends almost all of her time and energy making herself look and sound like the love child of Kim Kardashian and Snooki? (Who is smart enough to know if she does all of the analysis but only part of the assignment, she disqualifies herself from an A.)

or

Mark a paper where every lower-case "i" is replaced by a colon?  ( Trust me, that sh:t gets old, qu:ckly.)

or

Mark yet another paper written exclusively in the passive voice?  (Yeah, I'm not even going to go there.)

or

Mark yet another paper that references the "various positive and negative" effects of hamster fur weaving?  (To the high school teachers who didn't nip that shit in the bud, I Johnny Cash salute you.)

or


Mark yet another paper that you are not even sure was submitted for your course, because it bears NO RESEMBLANCE TO THE MOTHERFUCKING INSTRUCTIONS? 

or

Go all Gloucester-in-Lear-Act III-Scene vii - with a mechanical pencil?

Discuss.  Or one-up.  Whatever.  Just...don't leave me alone out here.  (I'm cold, and there are wolves after me.)