APA is for Suckas!

My entire class is, well lets say, less than stellar at using the APA style of writing. (They are actually less than stellar at writing period. I often feel like I need a roseta stone to decifer the meaning of their papers, but that is neither here nor there.) So in order to try to combat this, and prevent everyone of these little mouth breathers from failing, I held extra office hours this week for the specific purpose of helping them improve their writing. I was actually suprised when I had three students show up. Not bad and much more than I was expecting. Things were going pretty well, and to be expected the last student had to spoil it.

They had a case of the "I just know it's". The opening argument for why they should not have to use the APA writing style was they just know if from what they read, they don't remember where. I politely point out that there is a text book we are using, there is a good chance that the information came from there so this would be a good source to cite. I was met with a blank stare. "Sooo...you want me to answer the questions with information from the book and cite that?" Yes. Yes I do. I was hopeful that this would be the end of it however they continued to insist that they had other information they want to use, examples they want to give.

That's great! I love it when students use personal examples! Bring them on, but first show me that you understand the concept and cite the source for where you got the information from. I attempted to provide examples from last weeks assignment for how they could have done this. I was met with a disheartened sigh and was told they would keep trying and I knew that I had made no progress.

I have provided examples, shown them the correct way to use the APA writing style when I turn back their assignments, is there anything else I can do to make them see that they will need to do this (outside my singular course)? I feel like tearing my hair out.

10 Ways to Boost your Student Evaluations

I notice evaluations are on people's minds again, and so I thought I would provide some helpful tips. You are, of course, invited to contribute your own ideas in the comments, dear Reader.

Let's be honest, we all know the best and easiest way to improve student evaluations: give everyone an A. But some of us have standards we are unwilling to compromise, and so we want to improve our evaluations without throwing out the baby of academic integrity with the bathwater of pandering to snowflakes.

I know, many of you think this is impossible, but I am here to tell you that in the past 10 years, I have discovered that it is indeed possible to - well, manipulate is a harsh word, so let's say boost, or maybe improve - improve student evaluations without sacrificing teaching standards.

"How can this be?" I hear you cry. Let me lay it on you.

1. Chocolate. This is a scientific fact.
2. Be more physically attractive. Also science. Okay, I realize this one may be difficult for some of you, but you can probably take the edge off the fugly. Comb your hair, trim your beard (especially important for female profs), buy some clothes manufactured after 1979; you get the picture. If you can get a chili pepper on you know where, you are golden.
3. Never, ever, ever, ever lose your shit. Don't yell at the whole class about anything, no matter how annoyed you are at them. That guy from Florida who is on video yelling at his class for cheating? ALL his students hate that guy.
4. Praise the whole class generously. (You may need anti-nausea meds, but do what it takes.) Even if they all suck and you want to yell at them, say stuff like "I was really pleased with the level of writing in the vast majority of your assignments". This means that the students who sucked think it is about THEM, not about you being mean and hating everyone.
   
5. Never give work back immediately before evaluation day. Unless you gave everyone an A, but if you did, you don't need this advice. If you are late giving back work and really have to give it back on evaluation day, make them come to your office after they do the evaluation. Say "I marked them, but I have to put your grades in my gradebook" or something.
   
6. Making students come to your office makes them see you as a human, especially if you have pictures of your kids (if cute) or your pets on your wall. If you don't have kids or pets, stick up some random pictures of cute kids.
7. Don't overshare. Students don't want to know about your ingrown toenail, or your sexual orientation. Remember, snowflakes don't think other people have feelings, and trying to force them to feel empathy makes them uncomfortable.
   
8. Lie and tell them you know they are working hard. Snowflakes all think effort is the same as product when it comes to grades, and this also means they think if you say "I know you are working hard" it means the same as "you are doing well".
9. Do something fun in the class before the evaluation. Students have memories like goldfish, so you need to give them a positive memory close to evaluation time. You can even do this on evaluation day, if you aren't TOO obvious in your pandering.
10. Combine 8 & 9. Say "I know you have been working hard, so I am going to end class 15 minutes early just this once." I once got an awesome evaluation by giving my students a 15 minute coffee break before the evaluation.

I know that looking at my list you will notice that a lot of my suggestions involve lying, and maybe you see that as a paradox: how can you reconcile your concept of professional ethics with systematic dishonesty? It's a bastard, I admit.

The Shadow Scholar -- This Keyboard's for Hire

In case you haven't seen it, there's a hot forum going over at the Chronicle about this piece:

http://chronicle.com/article/The-Shadow-Scholar/125329/

Here's a quotation to whet your appetite:

You've never heard of me, but there's a good chance that you've read some of my work. I'm a hired gun, a doctor of everything, an academic mercenary. My customers are your students. I promise you that. Somebody in your classroom uses a service that you can't detect, that you can't defend against, that you may not even know exists.

I'm curious about your reactions and experiences related to purchased term papers.