Another Amazing Email from a Senior in College

Im sorry to already be doing this but I will not be attending class tomoro due to the fact that i have a prior engagement to attend to due to the fact that I just was able to finalize today. I did not think I would be attending school at all this semester but thankfully I was able to finalize and continue my college career. I will be there from here on out though. Thank you

Would you rather? (Snowflake grading edition)

Would you rather:

Mark a paper that bears an astonishing, though inadvertent, stylistic resemblance to A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man? (Once upon a time there was a moo cow coming down the road and...3/4 of a page later, it's still the same run on-sentence.)

or

Mark a paper written by an exceptionally bright girl who expends almost all of her time and energy making herself look and sound like the love child of Kim Kardashian and Snooki? (Who is smart enough to know if she does all of the analysis but only part of the assignment, she disqualifies herself from an A.)

or

Mark a paper where every lower-case "i" is replaced by a colon?  ( Trust me, that sh:t gets old, qu:ckly.)

or

Mark yet another paper written exclusively in the passive voice?  (Yeah, I'm not even going to go there.)

or

Mark yet another paper that references the "various positive and negative" effects of hamster fur weaving?  (To the high school teachers who didn't nip that shit in the bud, I Johnny Cash salute you.)

or


Mark yet another paper that you are not even sure was submitted for your course, because it bears NO RESEMBLANCE TO THE MOTHERFUCKING INSTRUCTIONS? 

or

Go all Gloucester-in-Lear-Act III-Scene vii - with a mechanical pencil?

Discuss.  Or one-up.  Whatever.  Just...don't leave me alone out here.  (I'm cold, and there are wolves after me.)

Deja Vu

At the end of each semester I tell myself I will have a new job by the time the next semester starts, and that I won’t have to go back to that dreadful place. Especially after last semester, which was officially the worst regarding the students. And at the beginning of each new semester I find myself going to the departmental meeting, with the same 5-10 people (20 or so never show up), the one new person that will soon be gone, and everyone asks the same exact questions, answered with the same exact answers every single time. I feel like I’m in Groundhog Day but without any fun parts...I know I wouldn’t survive jumping from the roof.

Why do I know more about aspects that affect my paycheck than my counterpart that has been here 8 years? Why do you people get confused by typing info on an internet page instead of writing it on a piece of paper? It’s 2012. Why have you never ever checked your departmental email? How did you find out about this meeting? Why does someone have to show you how to use the internet? Why did you type in a URL and go through 4 links when you could have just typed in the 4^th URL which was shorter than the first? It’s 2012. Why did you just announce that I am to be in charge of a committee when you only once emailed and said you’d like to meet about it (ok, so this was new, and will be new misery)? Why do you pretend the remodeling will actually happen this semester – you’ve said it since I got here (3 years ago, and supposedly for 3 years before that)? What do you mean we need to instate rules for the intro hamster classes? I’ve been enforcing them for 3 years and I got the rule sheet from you! Did something change? No? And no one is new here? So why are we going over it again? No, I’m not new here. I’ve been here for 3 years, 7 semesters, and yes, I think I may have met you at this meeting before. Or in our shared office space. No, the professor that teaches the Biology of Hamsters did not make that cake. She brings it every semester, the same one, and you always ask if she made it, and she always says no and tells you where she got it!!! Anxiety attack justified! Brain hurting.