RYS Flashback. 4 Years Ago Today.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 20, 2009

It's Been Ages Since We Ran An Academic Haiku. Remember? "Short, Engimatic Free Verse About Academic Matters, Occasionally Referencing Margaritas?"

I had a student

in my intro class

last semester.

Freddie Flunky,

who had the lowest grade

in the class.

So he will take the course

with me again

next semester.

(He says he wouldn't

think of taking it

with anyone else!)

But it conflicts

with another class

so he can't attend.

"May I submit homework

and take exams

Maybe come to an office hour?"

"Freddie," I say.

"This is a student-centered college.

What do you think?"

Leona from Loveland Reporting on the First 2 Weeks of Spring Misery.

It's only week two at Expensive Small University, but I can already tell that I'm going to have some doozies in my Survey of Hamsters for Non-Rodentologists. Thankfully, there are twice as many attentive, smiling students in the class, which almost makes up for these specimens:

Entitled Esther:
She emailed me minutes after I returned her writing assignment, shocked that she received a B for an essay full of grammatical errors and misused words. In her email, she asked / demanded that I explain "what you can do for me next time" and "how I can get points back." She informed me that she will be attending law school / medical school / whatever grad program next year, and that I am hurting her GPA.

I wanted to respond: Well, sugarplum, you can write with proper grammar and try not to sound smarter than you are by using words that sound fancy but that you don't understand. Shut up and be glad I didn't give you a lower grade. Apparently you are not very good at common sense, because if you've already applied for law school / med school / whatever, then they're not going to see this grade until they've already accepted you. Plus, if I gave you an A for a crappy paper, you'd keep writing crappy papers. Here's a little incentive!

I did respond: I understand that you're frustrated. Because these are personal reflection essays, grammar and style are as important as content because each essay has different content. Writing style is important, and as a future lawyer / med student / whatever, I'm sure you can appreciate how important attention to detail is. I am happy to help you with your writing if you come to my office hours. The writing center is also available for students who need help with writing.
Entitled Esther shot back with a sarcastic, rude response promising a "clearly written paper on an insipid topic" next time. Further, she claimed she will not perform well on the quizzes in the class and wants to "save points wherever I can."

Well, Esther, as the kids would say, "Save ALL the points." Or just be competent, accept that you made mistakes, and work a little harder next time.

No Good Deed Goes Un-Yelled-At

I hate talking to parents, and now I hate it even more.  Last night, I called my student's parents at home.  At 10:15 PM.  Completely by accident.  All because I thought I was being helpful.

Here's how it went down:  I teach at night, and my class gets out at 10:00.  My students left when class ended, and I noticed that some of them had left behind trash, so I did a quick little cleanup.  (One of them actually left an unopened banana, which I took home.  Score!)  I see that one student has left a hoodie, and as it's a small class, I decide to see if I can figure out whose hoodie it is.

Lo and behold, the student left a Moleskine notebook in the pocket, and his notebook had his name on the cover.  Super.  So I figured I'd give him a quick call and tell him to come retrieve his hoodie before the building gets locked.

Only this particular student got into my class from the wait list, and all I have in front of me is the Reigstrar's print-out with contact info for the students who registered on time.  But wait, I thought.  I know, because it's been mentioned a couple times, that this particular student lives with two other students in the class, and they're probably all walking home together right now.  So I'll just call one of the other two (let's call him Albert) and ask him to pass along the message about the hoodie.

What I didn't know was that the phone numbers the Registrar listed, while usually the students' own cell phone numbers, aren't always the students' own cell phone numbers.  And here's what happened:

MALE VOICE:  Hello?
ME:  Hey, Albert, it's Ruby.  I noticed that--
MALE VOICE:  Who is this?
ME:  Uh, it's Ruby, and--
FEMALE VOICE (screaming angrily in the background):  Who is it?
MALE VOICE:  Who is this, exactly?
ME:  Oh, sorry.  This...must be a wrong number.
MALE VOICE (angrily...oh, hell, just assume that during the whole conversation, everything the man and woman say to me is said with extreme anger, shock, and disdain, like I've just tried to charge them for the undercoating of their used car):  You're trying to reach Albert?
FEMALE VOICE:  He's trying to reach Albert?
ME:  Yes, sorry, but--
MALE VOICE:  And may I ask why you're calling our home at 10:15 at night?
ME:  I didn't realize this wasn't his cell phone--
MALE VOICE:  You thought this was his cell phone?
FEMALE VOICE:  Why would he think this was Albert's cell phone?
ME:  Look, I apologize.  I'm one of Albert's professors--
MALE VOICE:  You're his professor, and you're calling him at 10:15 at night?
FEMALE VOICE:  Oh my God, it's his professor?
MALE VOICE:  Professor of what?  What is the name of the class you teach?
ME:  It's...a hamster class.  Hamsters in Baskets.  Sorry, I was just calling because Albert's friend left his jacket in class, and I don't have his friend's phone number, so I thought I'd call Albert's cell, but I didn't realize this wasn't his cell number.
MALE VOICE (incredibly skeptical):  Yeah.  And what exactly is your name?
ME:  It's Ruby from Richmond.
MALE VOICE (slowly, like he's writing it down for a police report):  Ruby from Richmond.
ME:  Yes, and again, I'm sorry, I thought this was Albert's cell--
MALE VOICE:  Do you want Albert's cell phone number?
FEMALE VOICE:  Don't give him his cell phone number!  Are you crazy?
ME:  No, uh, don't worry about it.  I'm sorry.  Have a good night.
FEMALE VOICE:  Albert's professor is calling him at 10:15 at night?  Why the hell is--
[Click.]

I decided not to try to call Albert's other roommate.  I'm sure my Dean will get a call about evil Professor Ruby who calls parents in the middle of the night but--even worse--did so while trying to call a student in the middle of the night.

I should have taken a variant of Beaker Ben's advice:  Don't care more about their own outerwear than they do.