This number forms a bond between me and Daniel, my student in intro to chemistry. Daniel scored 14 points. 14 out of 100. It’s so low that an acronym doesn’t do do my reaction justice – oh, my God. I counted up his points while leaving one sock on. Since my first exam is a review of high school and middle school science, 14% is a record low. I know what I should do: shake my head, chuckle about it with a colleague and move on, right? I tried but Daniel is something special.I returned the exams (overall, they didn’t do too bad) and saw Daniel after class. I told him to transfer to a remedial science class. Here’s our conversation, with my thoughts in blue (because I'm sad when students are dumb).
Daniel: I can pass if I do really good on the next exam.
Beaker Ben: Sure, if your score is infinity + 1. No, you should drop.
D: But I have to pass this class or I won’t graduate on time next year. I already failed this class once before.
BB: You’re about to get your “fail intro to chem” customer loyalty card punched again. (After 5 times, you get a free CD containing some good advice.) OK, why did you fail this exam?
D: Well, I have to be honest with you...
BB: I can’t wait to hear the excuse he’s going to lay on me. Did he spend all night saving three-legged parakeets from a burning orphanage or figuring out a workable BCS playoff system? Either would be good. I can’t stand the suspense.
D: ... I didn’t study at all for the exam.
BB: That's it? Thanks, Encyclopedia Brown, I figured out that mystery on my own. Um, then visit the campus tutoring center.
D: OK, thanks professor for talking with me.
BB: And thank you for your tuition money. Our university’s vice-provost for retention has a job because of morons like you.
It's the personal interactions that make this job so meaningful for me.
Ben, you're a reasonable guy, I'm sure you bumped him up to 15 for his honesty. I had a similar conversation with a student after a midterm--"I need this course to graduate, I took it before, I know I can do it, blah blah blah." The hilarity happened when the conversation took the following turn:
ReplyDeleteStudent: I have to admit, I didn't study for it, but I tried really hard.
Me: How can it be that you tried hard when you didn't study?
Student: Well I tried really hard while I was writing it.
Of course, I wanted to say, honey that's not an answer to my question, that's a goddam punchline. But I opted for the response that wouldn't land me in the chair's office: "I'm afraid you may have to try a little harder next time."
Even when they aren't lying, they aren't really "trying". They don't know what that means. Three days ago we did three textbook problems on the board. I told them each of those problems would be on Wed.'s quiz. I gave them three more problems from the textbook and told them to go home and do them to be sure they would be able to solve the same kind of problems on Wed. I said I'd post solutions on my door (which, by the way, were stolen, and I'd put three copies up there.) So yesterday minutes before administering said quiz, I asked if there were any questions. One guy asked about the second question, so we did it on the board. I accidentally LEFT IT ON THE BOARD during the quiz. The quiz was still a bomb.
ReplyDeleteI told them "Go home and try these problems." But did anyone? NO!!! They all showed up right after I left to make copies of the solutions (until they went missing) and some of them probably never even bothered to look at what they copied, some of them probably read it once, and some of them, the ones who "try really hard", probably spent 4 hours staring at them. But NONE of them picked up a fucking pencil and TRIED them.
I've had a few students who failed everything during the semester, then left after less than 1 hour into a 3 hour final exam having attempted (badly) less than half the questions. The punchline? They *still* asked upon leaving the exam when they would find out their grade!
ReplyDeleteDo they expect the Curving Fairy to magically pull them through?
Well, Stew...yes. And some of them aren't nuts to expect the Curving Fairy to pull them through--because, as has been noted so painfully here before, the Curving Fairy exists and can be generous. Morons pass classes without effort all the time. They SHOULDN'T, but they do.
ReplyDeleteSo I'd say your students aren't nuts to believe they might pass despite having failed everything. It's sad, but it's true.
Nuts, no. Morons, yes. Thus, thanks for failing them, and hopefully others will have the sense to do the same.
I remember a student from a couple of years back that failed every midterm (not quite as badly as Daniel, but not much better), did roughly 10% of the homework, and attended class at most half of the time. Before the withdrawal deadline, I had a talk with the student telling him that he could not possibly pass the class, yet he didn't withdraw. In fact, the next time I saw him was on the day of the final (I had to make an additional copy because I wasn't expecting him). He then proceeded to spend the entire exam period writing a "frank evaluation of your teaching style." It was the funniest fucking shit I've ever read, mostly because he was absolutely serious about it. It turns out that he was pissed about me saying that he couldn't pass the class and should withdraw.
ReplyDeleteThe sad thing is that it was very well written. It made me wonder what might have been.
Ruby, the flaw with that argument is that I state very clearly on my syllabus and in class that I do not curve, often accompanied by a near rabid rant on how much I hate the concept. :)
ReplyDeleteI suppose the flaw in the flaw is believing they either read the syllabus or listened to what I said!
The real problem is letting these gibbering nitwits breed to bother the next generation of underpaid overworked adjuncts. Therefore my plan is to send them to the Army where they will get two weeks of cannonfodder training and then off to Afghanistan. If we sent them all of our half-wits, the Taliban would crumble because they would run out of bullets and rocket grenades, and back home people could find parking spots. It's a win-win.
ReplyDeleteDear Ben,
ReplyDeleteStick to your guns! What if this smeghead becomes a pharmacist?