Academic Dismissal Review Committee

What we really wanted to say:

Dear Rarely-bothered-to-go-to-class,

When you were leaving, you asked us to “have some faith in me guys.” I wanted to give you some final advice: as you purport to be an English major—although the committee members and I decided to be any major one would have to attend class, which you have not done in a semester or two—I want to suggest that you learn the difference between “faith” and “trust.” Faith is a confidence before, a belief not based on proof. Once a student “builds” an overall grade point average of 0.8080, s/he has a record. When you apply to your new school, ask it to “trust” that you have changed. By the way, showing up high to this meeting didn’t help your case. Goodbye.

Dear “Now-I-want-to-help-the-world-by-being-a-math-teacher,

You started your appeal by saying that you felt bad that over the last three semesters you had taken seats from students who would have taken advantage of the chances. We agreed, and we noted that you have failed all your math classes. Goodbye!

Dear “Being-very-honest,”

We appreciate your commitment to your frat. But here’s the thing: to be in a frat, one has to be in college. Goodbye!

Dear “I-got-caught-up-with-the-party-life,”

Got it. Let's save you 20,000 dollars a year, so you have no need to worry about those morning classes now!