Thursday, April 28, 2016

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

UW Cheerleading Tips!


Hey, let's redesign our logo!

This item, about Emerson College's new logo, got me thinking. 

Is there any endeavor more uniformly doomed than the logo redesign? It seems if you're a university and you want to spend a lot of money and make no one happy (except the design firm, I suppose) this is the best way to do it. 

A cursory search through the IHE archives brought these up:
Wright State spends a quarter million dollars  to remove Wilbur Wright from the logo

University of Dayton gets a new "Dayton Flyers" logo with a winged letter "D" 

The University of California's innovative flushing-toilet logo gets 30,000 people to sign a petition protesting it

Then we have Drake University's D-plus campaign, (not strictly a logo but an unfortunate graphic)

Does this ever work out well? Does anyone have a story of a successful logo redesign? 


My Performance Review

We have to write a YPR, a Yearly Performance Review, and I was just finishing mine up (it's due right after grades, because why should I have any chance to breathe?  No, breath is for the weak).  I thought I'd share it.  We have to write it in three sections: teaching, research, and service.

I.  Teaching (please offer quantitive evidence of effectiveness):
I taught a 3:3 load.  My course caps were increased on all my non major  courses, but that's okay, because I managed to scare away enough students early on that it evened out.  I caught two plagiarists, made three people cry, had six pens and one book borrowed and never returned, and wrote something like "'in which' is not a fancy way of saying 'which'" at least a dozen times.  I corrected over two hundred apostrophe errors, and about as many comma splices.  I graded about ten papers while drunk, and came to work hung over twice (once, I think I was probably still drunk from the night before).  If anyone learned, they did it by accident, and certainly not by their efforts or mine. 

II.  Service:
I served on the senate, where our perfectly idiotic provost lied to me twice a month and I had to pretend to accept it.  I served on a hiring committee run by a lawyer who thought we needed not only to read but respond in writing to every single application.  I served on the general education committee, which did all we could to prevent anyone from receiving an education, general or otherwise.  I saw a piece of litter and picked it up.  Every so often, I wore really sexy underwear to work, just, you know, 'cause.  

III.  Research:
I published nothing.  Well.  Nothing that "counts."  Breaks my heart.  Even if I did, you wouldn't know shit about it.  My research is so obscure that I find I can just mutter about it in the elevator, and people think I'm doing something.  I will continue to mutter about my research myself as I walk across campus.  I'm either a genius or insane.  Tenured, so it must be genius.  I did make one useful discovery: I got this great recipe for asparagus soup.  That smell in the bathrooms?  That's me.  I did that.  I should put that under service.  I attended a conference in California, where all my efforts to hire a prostitute failed.  I will try harder next year.

Conclusion:  My contribution to this university is as follows:
  • I offend students, so that they have to quit thinking in cliches for a couple seconds.
  • I use my tenure to point out administrators' lies.
  • I research something no one else gives a shit about, because I do give a shit about it, and if I don't publish enough on it, you can bite me.  It's not ready yet, and I'm not going to fake it.
For my efforts, I have a permanent twitch, periodic migraines, a new mysterious pain in my stomach, and health insurance that covers my weekly therapy with a $20 copay.

- from an unknown sender

If I had a million dollars, I'd buy you a college (but not a real college, that's cruel).

Once again, a comment inspires me. TubaPlayingProf commented on the CM flashback post, "A recurrent fantasy is to win the first billion dollar lottery and start a new university, and all your job search ads begin with CM colleagues are encouraged to apply...."

That got me to thinking, what would I do if I could build a university from scratch? As luck would have it, I needed to take a break from grading anyway.

Top ten things to do when I start my own university

10. Implement a regressive tuition system that charges more to students with a lower GPA.

9. Pay coaches less than faculty members.

8. School motto: Facilius est collegium intrare quam graduatis.

7. A faculty council will charge $1000 to any university employee found guilty of lowering academic standards. Proceeds go to stock booze in the faculty dining hall.

6. No legacies, no sports scholarships, no exceptions.

5. All voting members of the Board of Trustees must have a terminal degree.

4. Allow beer at department meetings. Because they are held at a bar.

3. Count College Misery posts towards T&P.

2. Mandatory graduate school application essay topic: (Part 1) What is the outlook for full-time employment in your desired subject area? (Part 2) So, why are you still applying?

1. Hire adjunct administrators.

- Beaker Ben

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

CM Flashback. 5 Year Old Misery from the Cynic.

How to tell when you've spent too much time on College Misery

10. You've wanted to assign the blog as mandatory reading for your students...

9. You've spent hours laughing at vidshizzles and reading old postings because that's more satisfying than grading...

8. You've tried to figure out which users are posting under multiple monikers...

7. You know more about the people on this blog than your own coworkers...

6. When something horrific/funny/disturbing/weird/moist happens in class, your first thought is: "I can't wait to post that on CM."

5. You urge random people (not even academics) to check out the blog...

4. You get raging mad at complete strangers who disrespect your 'blog buddies.'

3. You have to shut down your computer to avoid seeing if there are any new postings...

2. You've spent several hours trying to figure out how to type something brilliant and insightful for the #1 slot and now realize you'd really rather just hear what your friends on here think...