"What can I do to pass with a D?" - Questions students ask

I feel that the readers of this website are a rare group of people, in that I can post this student email almost by itself and you will all feel as I felt while reading it.

Hello, My name is Completely Addled and I am enrolled in this math class. I have not been able to attend class or turn in assaingments due to several family issues. My father was in the hospital having a surgary [I can't help but feel that he misspelt "sugary"] that the doctors didnt think that he would make it out to live. He was in I.C.U. for two weeks so it's been rough.

I understand that the quarter is coming to an end but I need to either meet with you face-to-face or call you to see what I can do to just pass this class with a passing grade of a "D." I really need to get this class over with in order for me to obtain my degree at the end of this quarter. I was supposed to have been done with all my classes last year but I failed this math class. I really need your help. What can I do to make up what I missed to just pass with a "D"? Please contact me via email or phone as soon as you can. If I don't hear back from you I will contact you via phone. Thank you so much for your time in advance and I look forward to hearing from you.

Respectfully submitted,
Completely Addled
(He included his cell phone number here)

Context: I received this the week before finals - in week 10 out of a 10-week quarter. He had never shown up at a class, never turned in an assignment, never contacted me or the TA in any way until this email. Try skimming it again with this context in mind for an extra chuckle.

Oh, and of course, I emailed him back and suggested we meet in person to discuss his situation. He never answered and never showed up during office hours. (TWIST ENDING: He failed the class.)

Enjoy your weekends and stay safe. Next time I bring you stories of questions that student athletes ask.