I teach at a place where unspecific feelings of anxiety are common.
But I have them more acutely than others. Will the students mock me? Will the students make fun of my accent? Will the students think I am a pushover because of the neatness of my clothes? All of these things have occurred one semester or another.
I teach at a place where the unknown lurks behind every closeted opening. There are sentries at both ends of a long hallway, and one never knows if they are friends or foes. One may report that Dr. So-N-So had some bourbon on his breath when he returned from the faculty club. The other may note that Dr. The-Other-One was 6 and one half minute late for her office hours. This is not an exaggeration, for indeed I know both incidents closely.
I teach at a place where anxiety is a tool used to keep the professoriate in line. We are fearful for our jobs, our salaries, our release time, our grad students, our library privileges (I'm exaggerating on the last matter). We tiptoe past so many Dean's doors. We avert our faces when the president makes his yearly stroll through our dim offices. "Do not look him in the eye." Nobody says it. But it's what is understood.
I am truly angsty. I, Yaro, angsty about another run onto the playing field of the Fall semester.
What do I have control of? What does not bring the fear? I guess the material. I guess I know what I'm teaching, and what it means, and how it might help the students in this journey and beyond. I have my confidence fixed to a tall post there.
But everything else. Oh, you don't want to know.
I imagine you think you're making fun of foreigners with your syntactical choices. You just look like a stooge.
ReplyDeleteIt's beginning to feel a lot like Kafka.
ReplyDeleteAnd I just wanna be your dog.
My own department is NOT like Yaro's, but I have been places just like what he describes. If your belly tightens up as you get to your office, you're at a place you need to check out of.
ReplyDeleteThat sick feeling that overcomes you sometimes when you hate your job usually lessens, but it's almost always there, and it's like a sickness, a cancer.
If your summer break feels TOO good, feels TOO nice, and then August 18th brings a dread and night sweats...your school sucks.
Yaro, my friend... if you can move along, do it.
I await your next post, Yaro, the post with the ennui.
ReplyDeleteI thought it was only Yaro's graphic that was great, but I like this post very much.
ReplyDeleteI teach at a place like that, too, Yaro, and I'm going to stand up for it, stand up to it, stand and be counted.
The anxiety of my college has been high since I got here, and I'm a little sick of having that knot in my stomach when the semester rolls around. I am going to go in with some Yaro-infused confidence next week.
I will report.
I like this post too but I love the Iggy Pop reference.
ReplyDelete