You all know the ones. They pretend like they are asking if its okay that they won't be back from backpacking in Europe with their parents (they always say it's with their parents, as if to cow me with parental authority), or on a drinking roadtrip in the outback of Australia with their parents, or, you know, something equally implausible that any young adult would be seen dead doing with parental units. If they think our college has a policy about dropping non-attenders (OH GOD, how I wish), they beg me not to drop them, because they really really need this class, and are looking forward to it so much, and so on.
So, a while ago, I got irritated enough with this behaviour to write out a long and earnest explanation of why I think this is a bad idea, and I post it every semester in my class FAQ.
This semester, I got a VERY special flake who emailed me before semester started, blah, blah, blah, with this scenario. I pointed out that since the class she was missing was actually an online class, so being physically in the city was not a requirement. And then I chortled heartily as it took her a while to get back to me with an explanation of why she wouldn't have internet access in the wilds of New York City.
So, she got back the other day, and I received an outraged email about how OFFENDED she was that I had DARED to write about her situation in my FAQ. Note that nothing in my post could possibly have referred to her specifically, because it was written months before she had graced me with her presence. I wrote back to explain that this was a common scenario, and gave her a non-apology: "I am sorry if you took this personally".
What I wanted to say was, "Honey, I wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire. Do you really imagine I would spend 15 whole minutes writing something about your entitled ass?"
And imagine if she had found this blog...
ReplyDeleteDon't even worry about it. I tell 'em that if they feel the need to miss class, as adults, they're entitled to make that choice. I further tell them that, as adults, they have to live with the consequences of their choices. It goes over surprisingly well - put like that, they tend to be less reluctant to "own" the results of their decision to miss class, even if it's for some trivial reason. I've never had anyone kvetch to me about some problem encountered as a result of missing once I've given that little speech (and, incidentally, put it in the syllabus). They want more than anything to be GROWN UPS right now, so when you start off telling them, "You're all grown ups..." they tend to be real eager to agree, even when the conclusion of the sentence is "... so you brought this on yourself."
ReplyDeleteWhy is acceptable for them to send us crazy e-mails like this?
ReplyDeleteNo, really... anyone have an idea?
I'd piss on her...even if she wasn't on fire.
ReplyDeleteI might have just said, "You took it personally for no reason. The class, my syllabus, and that FAQ is not about you, honey."
ReplyDelete"They pretend like they are asking"
ReplyDeleteThey sure do. Why do they even bother with questions marks, ever? Has one EVER said, "Thanks for the prognosis of an F. I'll cancel my ticket"? No.
Okay, this isn't exactly the same thing, but since I'm already pissed off at my online writing students, I have to get another one in.
ReplyDeleteI had a student one summer pull this on me toward the end of the term, stating she has a cruise with her family that she simply must not miss, blah, blah, blah.
Whatever, she missed the last week of classes (equal to two weeks in the regular term, but whose counting.)
She made it to the final, though. And about half-way through, she came up to me and asked in earnest if she could borrow my notes because she had missed those classes and didn't know some of the material as a result.
I calmly said no.
"So, she got back the other day, and I received an outraged email about how OFFENDED she was that I had DARED to write about her situation in my FAQ."
ReplyDeleteI'd say, "I'm awfully sorry if you're offended by information written in my syllabus weeks before I even heard of you or your situation. However, if you truly feel slighted, maybe you should look in the mirror for the cause of your offended feeling. If you don't like how you feel, maybe you should change your behaviors and act like a college student, you shit-eating, assflake of a fuckstain."
Then I'd get mean.
Last week I was walking out of the lab a few minutes before Biology for Dummies was supposed to start. Some kid started to walk past me from the on-deck circle. I told him he had to walk back out and wait for his professor because I was locking up after my class and students can't be in there alone. He said "I thought you were my professor." I said "oh, sorry, I'm not Professor of biology for non-dummies" (the only person in the department who looks even SLIGHTLY like me, but who sometimes has classes so large that a student might not have seen her up close yet) And he said "No, I'm looking for Professor" pulls out a crumpled up schedule, squints to read long, difficult to pronounce Italian name "of biology for dummies". The professor for biology for dummies is a man. So I said "Huh? That's HIM over there." and pointed. He said (three full weeks into term) "Well I haven't been in class yet, so I wasn't sure.
ReplyDeleteIt's not just that he missed two labs. It's an integrated course. The lectures and labs are tied together in one indivisible three credit unit.
I said "Do you need his signature on a drop form?" as I walked him out the door.
He didn't get it.
Just today, I got e-mail from a student requesting he add into my Intro-Astronomy-for-Non-Majors class. Today was Monday of the fifth week of class, but 5 p.m. today was the last day to add classes with permission. That's supposed to mean for students who have been attending all along, not drift-ins from the ether.
ReplyDeleteThe message was in undergraduate text-ese, which I do not tolerate. This is the reply I sent:
Dear (Knuckles),
I am inclined to say, "no," because your e-mail message is written so poorly, it reflects very badly on you. Do not be this sloppy with e-mail to bosses, customers, clients, or professors, you will not profit from it.
I am also inclined to say, "no," because Mid-Term Exam 1 will be this Friday, September 24. I rather doubt you can get caught up, in the small amount of time that you have.
But if you must, please see (our department secretary).
Our secretary and I chortled at 5 p.m. that we hadn't heard again from him.
My favorite version of this is the student who politely informed me at the start of the term that she would be missing two weeks to go trekking in Tibet in order to raise money for an orphanage.
ReplyDeleteWait, what? You knew when term was, and this is a class, oddly enough, about the perils of Well-Meaning-White-Folks. So what you are telling me is that some poor little Tibetan orphans are going to be helped MORE by your sorry ass slogging along beside some yaks (on some yaks?) than they would be if you just SENT THEM YOUR PLANE TICKET MONEY? Help me understand. 'Cause I'm confused.
I have resolved to call her "Bono" for the rest of the semester.