Well, here it is, my first official attempt at some smackdown (I can't promise the eloquence of other posters, just the raw annoyance that I feel). I have two varieties today. The first is the oh-so-common snowflake smackdown. The other is the less common colleague variety.
Yes, I know you think I'm just "the best teacher ever," and that the professors who taught you this exact same class twice before are just "bumbling morons," but I assure you that your constant flattery will not get you a passing grade from me, either. Did you try brown-nosing them, too? Or have you determined that the only way you will ever pass this class is by finding a prof who is naive or lacks self-esteem so you can butter her up by telling her how "wonderful" her "methods" are? Guess what: You're barking up the wrong tree. I really don't care if you like my "methods" or not. I really don't care if you think I'm just the best teacher you've "ever ever had." What I care about is whether or not you demonstrate competency in your work, so you might find it behooves you to spend less time telling me how much you "love my class," and more time actually learning.
Thank you for providing an accommodations slip for you explaining that you suffer from migraines and may need to "miss class on occasion." I, too, suffer from migraines (usually triggered by the stress of dealing with students), and understand how disrupting they can be. However, you really should have provided this to me before you missed 5 classes (out of the 6 permitted), failed to email, call, stop by my office, and hand in any of your assignments. What does "on occasion" mean, anyway? Did you have a migraine for almost two weeks? Missing class, as stated in the syllabus, is never an excuse for failing to submit work, or for submitting work late, all at once, in a pile, with a note under my door that said, "You were never here when I stopped by." Well, if you read the syllabus, or the notice posted on the board right outside my door, you would have known when my office hours were. I was there. You were not. At least you'll have some sort of excuse for your parents when they ask why you failed my class. You can blame it on your migraines and that bitch of a professor who failed to accommodate you.
It's true. You are utterly important to not just this department, but the entire college. This place would absolutely fall apart if it weren't for you. The rest of us just don't understand how difficult it is to be you, and how much you've done. You are the sun, the moon, and the stars. And not only that, but how could the rest of us even consider mentioning our students, workload, classes, committees, and research when you've clearly got much more important things to discuss, like your hangnail, the committee you haphazardly co-chair, your cat, the tenured faculty member who had the nerve to ignore you, your eczema, your...
You are just so busy that you can't keep track of any obligations. You barely manage to get to all of your classes. Between writing your book, pursuing your research, and..? What else, exactly? See, you really don't have anything more going on in your life than the rest of us, yet we, or at least I, manage to keep track of faculty and committee meetings, midterm, and the final exam schedule. I know I'm a woman, but I'm really not your secretary. I do the same job you do. In fact, I do it better. So don't call me anymore asking when this or that meeting is, or when your final exams are scheduled, or if I could possibly explain to the Dean why you were unable to attend a particular class or meeting, because I can't. You've got an iPhone, just like me, and an outlook email account with a calendar, just like me, and even a desk calendar (unlike me), so use them and keep track of your own damn schedule!