Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Post-Exam Smackdown

Foolish Freddie the Football Player: Don’t yell at me to get my attention from almost 300 feet away when my back is turned to you and I am walking away. Don’t do it 6 times. This is the reason I was abrupt with you when you finally ran up to me to talk to me about class. Don't run up behind me. I'm paranoid and a black belt. No, class doesn’t begin at noon. It starts at 12:30 like it has for the first 4 weeks of the semester. If it did start at noon, we’d both be late. Can we talk about the test? Sure, what would you like to know. You don’t think you did well. I would be surprised if you did do well, considering the fact that you showed up 55 minutes late for an 80 minute class. What’s that? You were just made aware that you assignment portfolio was due with your exam? Bullshit. I ended each class for the past 2 weeks by telling everyone that the assignment portfolio was due prior to the test. Oh, you mean you weren’t in class. I wonder if you coach knows that. Do me a favor. Go away.

Amazingly Arrogant Autumn: Yes, you’re right. Your class performed very poorly on the exam as a whole. What do I think might be the cause? Oh c’mon. You’re not going to try the old “Blame the Crappy Teacher” trick, are you. I’ve given this exact test every time I’ve taught this class over the past 5 years. This class, "led" by you, has had by far the worst performance on this test. My other two sections did rather well. Maybe if you bought the textbook, or even went to the library now and then to check out the book that is on reserve, you’d have a case, no matter how small. Hell, if you’d put a little effort into it, you could have found the exam prior to taking it since in previous terms I posted it with the answers to my personal website (fuck that Blackboard crap), much like I showed you today. I’m sure you’ve heard the words “It’s not you, it’s me,” from many exes. You’re not going to hear it from me because it’s clearly you. Go away.

Junkie Jimmy: No, you may not submit the take-home portion of your exam late. I don’t care how much you had to drink on Sunday night, it’s not an excuse to miss your 9:30AM class, not submit your exam as required, and email me three hours after the fact to request an exception. The exam clearly states that “NO LATE SUBMISSIONS WILL BE ACCEPTED. NO EXCEPTIONS.” Hell, I can almost guarantee that I had more to drink on Sunday night than you did. Unlike you and the one exam you encountered, I had to deal with 100 exams, each crappier than the last. Is it any wonder that I went through a 12-pack of cheap beer before I even started drinking liquor. Large quantities of liquor. I had so much to drink, everyone’s score tripled. Yet, I was still able to drag my hung-over ass out of bed to get to my 8AM class on time, tests in hand. Go the fuck away. I have an appointment with my therapist, Johnnie Walker, and I can't be late.


  1. Pat! Pat! Smackalicious! I wish you'd instinctually elbow-striked Foolish Freddy as he run up behind you. Then you could look down at him on the ground gasping for air, and say with great sorrow in your eyes, "I'm so sorry, Fred. My training is instinctual and allows no mercy. Please don't approach me from behind ever again. I can't promise I won't kill you next time." ; )

    PS - what do you train in?? I have black belts, too! But I'm knee-high to a nickel and barely top the scales at over 100lbs, so I'm probably not particularly intimidating.

  2. Also, Foolish Freddy, my name is not "Yo."


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