Monday, September 13, 2010

What Would Jeebus Do?

Please don’t bring Jesus into this, Senior Taking Comp for the Seventh Time. Hasn’t the poor man suffered enough?

Why on earth would you follow me back to my office, between classes, and tell me that Jesus told you to talk to me? If Jesus really did want you to talk to me, I know for a fact that he would have told you to come to my office hours. I’ll have time to take a piss break by then at least. Jesus knows I have four classes back to back and just a few minutes between them to put my head on my desk and rest my voice. Jesus would give me a fucking break.

But according to you Jesus wants you to talk to me nao, when it is most convenient for you and least convenient for me, so you can yet again take more of my time to inform me of a) how much you admire me, b) how hard you’re going to work, and, c) how badly you need to pass this course. Oh, and d) that Jesus told you to come to me and tell me this one more time.

Mentioning Jesus to me because you can see this cross around my neck isn’t going to help you pass this class, lady. I don’t give a fuck if you’re a Christian. I teach in Biblebeltia and I fail Christians all the fucking time. I consider it part of my Christian duty. So if what you’re suggesting is that Jesus wants me to pass you without you doing, oh, passing work, he’s going to have to come to me himself. Like, not in some namby-pamby "I’ll-meditate-until-I-think-I-get-a-message" sort of way, but in "a-big-fucking-flames-around-his-head-and-the-host-of-heaven-and-shit" sort of way. And he needs to say, "Pass that dolt taking comp for the seventh time!" in a real scary voice, like he means it. You telling me Jesus is talking atcha just ain’t gonna do it.

Besides, if you’ve been talking to Jesus, he probably just reiterated what I’ve been telling you. Which is that the usual way to pass a course if you’re having difficulty is to a) submit practice work early before it is graded, and b) see the professor during office hours with your work to discuss it at length. Yet when I tell you this you stare at me blankly, and then continue to assert that you are going to work hard and need to pass the course.

Jesus would also tell you that promising to work hard and needing to pass the course are no excuse for actually working hard and actually passing the course. Despite my advice, your homework assignments themselves are turned in minutes before they are due, and are practically incomprehensible and often incomplete as well. There is not one sentence that remains free of some sort of grievous error. When I inform you of this, you always say you are sorry. Then, how hard you are working and how badly you need to pass this class. And again, that you’re sorry, sorry, sorry. I’m sure Jesus is sorry, too. He always looks sorry. That’s because he died for your sins, you know. And what they are, he knows far better than I.

As for your assertion that he’s guiding your actions with regard to my class, next time tell me the Great and Terrible Oz told you to come see me. It seems about as likely. That won’t help your grade either, but at least you won’t really piss me off.

12 comments:

  1. Stella, you really must learn to start speaking in tongues. Especially since English isn't working. Can you fake Aramaic?

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  2. WWJD? Use a slingshot to nail this lazy fucker right in the head....with a potato.

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  3. Perhaps you should tell your student that bad writing makes Baby Jesus cry?

    One of my colleagues used religiosity to his advantage in a collusion situation. He had two young ladies in his class who often went on about being saved and how they were living such godly lives. Their research papers were identical. My colleague, being a brash Anglican sort, called the two students in and asked each of them separately whether she'd cheated. Of course it was all innocence and shock that he would ever accuse them of such a thing. He then called them both into his office, put on a stern face, and said, "I'm going to leave you with these two papers and a few moments to pray. You know Jesus is everywhere, so I want you to think about what your Lord and Savior would have to say about this situation."

    When he returned five minutes later, they were both in tears and confessed everything. Jesus may have forgiven them, but Professor Anglican gave them the F grades they earned.

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  4. My current pet peeve: When students email me to ask a huge favor and finish the email with "Have a blessed day."

    Because somehow blessing my day will make me forgive them for being a snowflake pain in my ass.

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  5. Jesus told me to comment on this post. Perhaps this guy knows a dude named Jesus Smith and Jesus tells him not to do his homework until the last minute because he (Jesus Smith) wants to go out for some beer and...you know...the stuff that happens when you drink loads of beer.

    @Academic Monkey: Can you write my syllabus for me? Have a blessed day!

    Mathsquatch out.

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  6. My day was blessed until I got your email, snowflake.

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  7. As in the immortal words of Basil Fawlty:

    "Mention Jesus one more time and I'll move you closer to him..."

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  8. Drive them out by putting a picture of the Flying Spaghetti Monster in your office. Once someone starts spouting the "J" word, start discussing His Noodliness.

    Ramen.

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  9. You could just write next to her F, "Jesus wept."

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  10. I would suggest having a little conversation with Jesus yourself. I bet he tells you that it's quite okay with him if Senior fails comp a seventh time, since Senior obviously ISN'T listening to Jesus telling him to get off his lazy Snowflake ass and start doing the necessary work to pass.

    Then pass this information on to Senior Snowflake.

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  11. Well gee, how about quoting this at her:

    1 Timothy 2:11-12 (King James Version):

    "Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection. But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence."

    Alright. That about settles it. She's gotta shut the hell up. Her holy book says so. Or does it?

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  12. C.S. Lewis's essay "Good Works and Good Work" might be useful in such situations.

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