What Would Jeebus Do?

Please don’t bring Jesus into this, Senior Taking Comp for the Seventh Time. Hasn’t the poor man suffered enough?

Why on earth would you follow me back to my office, between classes, and tell me that Jesus told you to talk to me? If Jesus really did want you to talk to me, I know for a fact that he would have told you to come to my office hours. I’ll have time to take a piss break by then at least. Jesus knows I have four classes back to back and just a few minutes between them to put my head on my desk and rest my voice. Jesus would give me a fucking break.

But according to you Jesus wants you to talk to me nao, when it is most convenient for you and least convenient for me, so you can yet again take more of my time to inform me of a) how much you admire me, b) how hard you’re going to work, and, c) how badly you need to pass this course. Oh, and d) that Jesus told you to come to me and tell me this one more time.

Mentioning Jesus to me because you can see this cross around my neck isn’t going to help you pass this class, lady. I don’t give a fuck if you’re a Christian. I teach in Biblebeltia and I fail Christians all the fucking time. I consider it part of my Christian duty. So if what you’re suggesting is that Jesus wants me to pass you without you doing, oh, passing work, he’s going to have to come to me himself. Like, not in some namby-pamby "I’ll-meditate-until-I-think-I-get-a-message" sort of way, but in "a-big-fucking-flames-around-his-head-and-the-host-of-heaven-and-shit" sort of way. And he needs to say, "Pass that dolt taking comp for the seventh time!" in a real scary voice, like he means it. You telling me Jesus is talking atcha just ain’t gonna do it.

Besides, if you’ve been talking to Jesus, he probably just reiterated what I’ve been telling you. Which is that the usual way to pass a course if you’re having difficulty is to a) submit practice work early before it is graded, and b) see the professor during office hours with your work to discuss it at length. Yet when I tell you this you stare at me blankly, and then continue to assert that you are going to work hard and need to pass the course.

Jesus would also tell you that promising to work hard and needing to pass the course are no excuse for actually working hard and actually passing the course. Despite my advice, your homework assignments themselves are turned in minutes before they are due, and are practically incomprehensible and often incomplete as well. There is not one sentence that remains free of some sort of grievous error. When I inform you of this, you always say you are sorry. Then, how hard you are working and how badly you need to pass this class. And again, that you’re sorry, sorry, sorry. I’m sure Jesus is sorry, too. He always looks sorry. That’s because he died for your sins, you know. And what they are, he knows far better than I.

As for your assertion that he’s guiding your actions with regard to my class, next time tell me the Great and Terrible Oz told you to come see me. It seems about as likely. That won’t help your grade either, but at least you won’t really piss me off.