So here I am in my self made bed, all pissed off. Why? These damn fucking mail order PhDs want my respect and think they have earned it! They want to be called "Dr." this and "Dr." that. They want people to think they are not the TOTAL FUCKING MORONS that they are. The people who do this (in my world so far) are NOT faculty but staff members who MIRACOUSLY earn both their Masters and PhD degrees in just three years! Three years! WOWSERS! And I am currently serving on an accrediation committee with one (who INSISTS I call her DOCTOR). She got her degrees from some online degree factory. And she cannot find her way out of a paper bag. I have had to rewrite all her work. She is the director of our high school outreach programs and she cannot find or intrepret the data she herself is supposed to be generating and using on a daily basis. We need this for our report, and guess who the powers that be have tapped to help miss Doctor Stupid? ME!
And I cannot help but wonder how much MORE I'd want to kill her if I HAD actually gone through the work and earned a REAL PhD, unlike this dimwit. Why oh why are these degree factories even legal?
- Bella Bella
Personally, I think colleagues who demand that other colleagues call them 'Dr' have a bug up their asses even if they DO have legitimate Ph.D.s. But maybe that's just me.
ReplyDeleteYou know what I'd do? First I'd address them as "Doctor of Philosophy" at all times. "Oh, hi Doctor of Philosophy Jones!" Let him know what an asshat he is. You should also insist on being called "Master", for your MA.
ReplyDeleteOr maybe I'd tell Dr. Asshat that I just found out that I was a direct descendant of nobility in Old Country X (reference a heraldic institution or university in a country whose language he cannot speak), and insist on being addressed by my noble title. If you do this with a straight face, he either drops his pretence around you or you get to be addressed as Marchioness Bella Bella or whatever.
These paper factories are legal because we live in capitalism, and the state will not smash its heel down of this form of bullshit commerce.
ReplyDeleteMR has an excellent idea. One of my students addresses me as "All Knowing and Benevolent Dictator For Life" simply because I refused to suggest that she might call me anything other than that. If I can train a snowflake, I can train colleagues...
ReplyDeleteI, too, am generally doubtful of Ph.D.s who insist that their colleagues (M.A. or Ph.D.) call them "doctor." The one exception to that rule, for me, is African Americans old enough to have themselves been refused, or seen their parents refused, any honorific at all. In that case, there is a history behind the preference that I understand, and that makes me entirely willing to honor it. In addition, the few people I know who fall in this category are extremely careful about giving others the titles they are due; in fact, it's more from that pattern than from any insistence on their part that I know they would prefer to be called "Dr." themselves.
ReplyDeleteThere may be some other exceptions based on culture of origin and/or mutual respect, but I don't think any of them involve the Ph.D. him/herself enforcing the "Dr." through direct fiat. And I'd definitely say that the diploma-mill Ph.D. who insists on "Dr." is protesting too much, and ought to be grateful for whatever financial benefits her questionable degree confers (all the more so since many of us with quite solid, hard-won Ph.D.s aren't seeing much of a benefit at all).
It sounds like your colleague needs to hear the little lecture I give my students in the context of warning them against plagiarism: it's all very well to have the credential; that will (these days, may) get you a job. But to keep the job, you need to have the skills that the credential represents, and if you cheat your way to the degree, you won't. Sadly, I suspect that the dire consequences I predict don't always materialize (but, if I'm lying to my students, I think this is one case where I should probably keep lying).
I admit that I plan on forcing everyone who encounters me the week after I get my PhD to call me Doctor Polymerchain. After that, I swear I'll be good. Because aside from everything else it's just tacky.
ReplyDeleteI lived in a smallish town and went to a smallish high school located out in the middle of the desert, never you mind which state. My high school graduating class numbered about 70. Something good must've been in the water, though, 'cuz from those 70 kids, three of us already have our Ph.D.s, and one is working on his. The three of us who've graduated thus far are the valedictorian, the salutatorian, and the guy who would've been valedictorian if his parents (white folks, the both of 'em) hadn't abruptly moved to the middle of an Indian reservation during his senior year of high school. And even more ironically, his parents have since moved back to town. Anyhoo, the fourth fellow, the one who's currently working on his doctorate, is one of the dumbest people I've ever encountered. We're talking dumb as a sack of hammers. And where's he getting his degree? Capella University. *facepalm*
ReplyDeleteWe are all fucking doomed.
ReplyDeleteWasn't it Paul Fussell who noted that people typically only insist on using titles when there is some status anxiety? One of the provosts at my undergrad had a JD from an unaccredited night school, but insisted that students call her "Dr." - needless to say, she never asked the faculty to do this after a particularly humiliating encounter with a crotchety PoliSci prof of my acquaintance. But you just know it was killing her that she couldn't get these people to recognize her as one of their peers; we students were just the consolation prize.
ReplyDeleteOh dear, and they're sending their work out to academic journals. Please don't ask me how I know, but it's godawful.
ReplyDeleteI was in the unfortunate position of "helping" a fellow full time faculty member with her dissertation at a previously named PhD-mill in this thread.
ReplyDelete1. It was full of some pretty scary racist comments. I'm not even sure she was smart enough to realize that they were, but I freaked out and actually had to take a walk before figuring out a way to make comments that weren't full of caps and exclamation marks and "read some freaking critical race theory and define your terms woman!" Also, "being African American doesn't CAUSE you to score lower on tests, there are OTHER FACTORS."
Okay. Breathe.
2. They didn't force her to get HIC IRB approval to do research on children who happened to be under the age of 12. Yes, I realize that people at any age need to have IRB approval but it sort of horrified me. Why? Oh, the school doesn't have an IRB.
3. Her whole dissertation was 75 pages long, which is shorter than my first draft of chapter 1.
I just... it hurts. It's painful. This is not the same thing. This is not what a PhD is about. I realize that you're working full-time and nearby institution (that I go to) is probably the least professional and least friendly of its type. Despite this, I feel like every second--even the particularly crappy seconds--of that degree time have been worth it.
1. For a week or two after earning a Ph.D. it is acceptable to be as pretentious as you so please. Everyone needs that emotional release after 5 years of misery (college misery).
ReplyDelete2. I wouldn't have a problem with for-profit "universities" if they weren't eligible for federal funding. What makes them successful is that they prey on people who are unqualified for college but are eligible for federal money. If we stop the federal funding you will see the quality of student at these places approach that of the non-profit schools since they won't be able to lure Simple Simon into their "program" only to flunk him into quitting two terms later. PBS did a thing on the for-profits recently and they said that the for-profits take the biggest chunk of federal money of anyone (I can't recall if they were just the biggest taker or if it was that they took more than 50% of federal funding passed out or maybe it was both).
3. Call this annoying person "Doctor of Philosphy in [annoying person's field of 'study'] [annoying person's last name]". That is probably very bad advice but you can laugh about it in your circle. Often the laugh is really what we need.
I guess I'd like to point out that dissertation length varies by field. In math, our papers are often very short compared to those in humanities (this can cause problems with college/university level tenure review committees). A long math dissertation might not be much longer than 100 pages. I'd say 75 pages might just be above average. In fact, some people joke that the shorter your dissertation the better it is (as Nash's was something like 25 pages long). To tell the truth I'm not sure that the entire body of my research would be 75 pages long (omitting, of course, references). I'm sure in Little Proffie's situation the following is irrelevant but: It's not size that counts.
ReplyDeleteThere was a thread on RYS about salutations. One adjunct hated being called "Mr" instead of "Dr" by the students.
ReplyDeleteI think ultimately this is about authority. Those who are secure in their authority don't need the formality, and those who need the formality don't have any authority.
Maybe you should tell Online Fake PhD that.
Besides, we all know to use our titles for only two things: putting snowflakes in their place and making reservations at snooty restaurants.
DOCTOR Monkey
I wouldn't insist that my students call me anything other than my first name even if I did have a PhD. I have never liked titles. I don't like to be called "sir" when I go to the grocery store. And don't get me started on when they use the last name from a rewards card (I still use my mother's phone number for those, so they always call me by my step-father's last name...) I do call people by their title unless they ask me to call them something else, though. It's just common decency.
ReplyDeleteMathsquatch *I am not Mr. Mathsquatch* out.
Hey, forget it. Many Americans think the title "Dr." is for physicians, psychiatrists, or veterinarians only, and that anyone else using it is a borderline fraud. Let it go. It won't take long for this person to be smacked with a bladder, if she persists on doing this in public.
ReplyDeleteOn further reflection, our uni insists that students call us "Mr." or "Ms." rather than "Dr." or "Professor" because of some dead white dude's ideas about egalitarianism. So, in reality, I think that what really matters is the overall campus culture. And, in my case, not being called "Mrs." anything...but that's my own insecurity about heteronormativity. (yes, I love that word.)
ReplyDeleteLike others, I don't care if they call me Dr or Mr OR by my first name (since I deal with grad students). My hard stare and sarcasm-from-hell takes care of folks who try to become too approachable.
ReplyDeleteHeck, when I finished my defense, I didn't need to have anyone call me "Dr.". My need was for very good beer!
And, oh yeah... I knowwww where BlackDog is! I was an undergrad and a masters student there (as masters students, we got to call our instructors by their first names). I had a hard time getting used to calling folks "Dr" in my PhD program at another institution, though.
Anyway, I've encountered folks who insist on being called "Dr" and they were either diploma mill folks or were ABDs(!). Along with a smirk, I always considered them as "Dr. Full-of-Sh*t".
I confess, I like using the "Dr." although I can't imagine asking another PhD to use it when addressing me, unless they also insisted I use the Dr. when I addressed them.
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, there's some status anxiety there. I took MUCH longer than normal to finish (I was also working fulltime) and I heard more than a few cracks about whether or not I'd ever finish. So when I hear "Dr Morose" I smile a little (damn, I did it!)
The only time I don't like it is when I'm talking to another staff member at my school. As far as I'm concerned, PhD or no, every employee at the school can call me by my first name.
And no, I don't correct students who call me Mr. That's fine.
I received several good pieces of advice aout using the title Dr. when I finally finished my degree..
- Don't put Dr. on your checks, that's tacky.(return address labels are borderline)
- It can get you a better table at restaurants. Alas, I don't eat at restaurant where there's such as thing as a "better table." Five Guys and Burrito Bros don't take reservations.
- My nurse SIL told me to use it when leaving messages for physicians and other hospital staff. They're trained to answer messages from "Dr." quicker than those from a "Mr." I found this useful when taking care of my Mom when she's in the hospital. Just be matter-of-fact about it, and not snotty, and it seems to work.
Regarding MAMM's comment: Yeah... once my ophthalmologist found I had a PhD, we started talking about research methods (albeit about the eye, NOT my area) and I seem to get better treatment (that is, more sociable treatment) on my quarterly visits.
ReplyDeleteOnce my doctors find out I have a PhD, all I hear about is how much they hated organic chemistry.
ReplyDeleteActually, I get that from just about everybody who ever attended college.
Once my doctors find out I have a PhD in physics, all I hear about is how much they hated physics.
ReplyDeleteActually, I too get that from just about everybody who ever attended college.
I retort, "It DOES require INTELLIGENCE!"
Is the online PhD from a phony field like Higher Education Leadership or Higher Education Management? Go to the B-School and get a real PhD, you pansies.
ReplyDeleteAs to titles, I call all my doctors by their first name. My wife thinks I am being disrespectful. Hey, we are both doctors. If they want to call me Dr. Texpat, then I will call them Dr. Quack.
I call my doctors "Dr.," because the revenge they could take for my disrespect is considerably scarier than any I could take on a student. Rubber glove left in your nether parts, anyone?
ReplyDelete@polymerchain: There's definitely a period of a week or two after you defend (maybe even a month or two if it took more than a decade to finish) when wanting others to call you "doctor" signifies nothing except justifiable pride at a major achievement. In fact, your friends, academic and otherwise, will probably do so without your saying a thing. (Then, a year or two later, someone outside of academia will call you "Dr.," and you won't be quite sure whether it's fond teasing or an indication the person using the title thinks you're being a pretentious asshole -- and, if the latter, whether you *are* being an a-hole or whether it's their insecurity talking.)
ReplyDelete@BlackDog -- my father got his undergraduate degree from an institution (a little place in NJ sometimes referred to as the northernmost southern university) with the same tradition; both students and faculty were "Mr." (what to call women didn't come up, since there weren't any present). After getting his Ph.D. at another university, he followed the tradition he'd learned as an undergraduate, never using "Dr." socially or even professionally (even -- maybe particularly -- when he had a somewhat difficult boss who *did* use "Dr."). That probably left me even more conflicted about where and when to use the title than I would have been otherwise, since I'm aware that refusing to use it can be a form of snobbism, too.
Overall, I find myself more inclined than my father to use the title professionally, maybe in part because I've stayed in the academy (and probably also because I'm not on the tenure track, and haven't had the chance to do much publishing -- status anxiety definitely plays a role). But I only use "Dr." when some sort of title is in play anyway (I'm fine with my students calling me by my first name, but I do prefer "Dr." or "Professor" to the mistaken "Mrs.," and probably also to the more-correct "Ms." Nobody has every tried "Miss," but I'd very definitely prefer "Dr." to that, even though I know there's a long tradition of single professional women for whom "Miss" was a proud badge of independence; in fact, I knew one pioneering professional woman -- an economist who held highly responsible government positions -- who continued to use "Miss" professionally even after she married. Not sure quite how that worked when she was visibly pregnant, which would have been in the 1950s).
And yes, in a social context, it's great fun to have a Ph.D. when someone is giving me a hard time about my preferring a title that doesn't define me by my marital status. If you don't like "Ms.," then I'm delighted to offer you the option of "Dr." (I wonder what title such people think married lesbians -- lesbians married to other lesbians, that is -- should use. Next time I find myself discussing the subject, I'll ask).
@Contingent Cassandra: I had to LOL when I read your qualifing "lesbians married to other lesbians, that is." My mother, a divorce attorney, had a thriving practice for the gay community. She did their "marriage" contracts for them (a civil contract that tried to cover everything long before civil union--which still does not cover everything) and she also "divorced" them. Another part of that side of her practice consisted of putting together prenuptial agreements for gay and lesbian couples who wanted to get married for the financial and health benefits---two opposite sex legal "marriages" for couples who were long term friends and felt they wanted to do that. I worked for her between grad and undergrand and things got very complicated!
ReplyDelete