While mere correlation is not causation, I feel safe in saying that the rise of the infernal ball cap culture among America’s youth bears some direct responsibility for the demise of American global supremacy. You could argue that it was the housing crisis, or fiscal madness in Washington, or overextension in our wars abroad, but maybe it’s the fuckers in their stupid baseball hats who have brought us down.
You know the type, and I’m sure your campus is teeming with these half-witted harbingers of hateful haberdashery. You know what they will bring to campus every day--their cockeyed cap, the Samson-like source of their power. Here they come with their ludicrous head accessory, perched never-straight on their coconut-like crania, serving essentially as an intelligence dial. I can almost hear the drop of the theramin-like pitch as their hats are turned from front to back, telling the world their IQ by the orientation of their brim.
I have fantasies of knocking their hat off and putting it through the cross-cut paper shredder in the faculty copy center. Back in the old days, teachers could do all sorts of Draconian things to students who didn’t meet standards. That’s when education in America generally worked, and before the pussies took over control of our schools. Now, we don’t have ANY standards at all and education is a typhoon of edu-fashions and politically correct, feel-good horseshit, swirling around madly like feces around a drainhole, waiting for the last big flush of our standard of living.
As we all know, straight to the front is how to wear a fucking ball cap. It’s sober, serious, respectable (maybe even indoors) and classic. It shields your eyes and face from the sun. It has a purpose and an historical precedent. Anything other than this, and you are on my shit list, which is written in nearly indelible ink:
Slightly to the side is irreverent and irritating.
90-degrees crooked deserves a HUGE smack, and basically tells the world that you’re a half-witted jerkoff.
100% backwards calls for banishment to a brutal penal colony where you--the utter fuckwit--will serve a life sentence of hard labor and daily torture. It not only looks stupid and abjectly assholish, but doesn’t even allow you to burn rubber in your 1980’s Mustang without having to lean forward in your seat.
Add to this some apical tilt of the cap as it lists to port or starboard, almost falling off of the wearer's head, and you've got a recipe for a thoroughly infuriating absurdity that is better off ceremoniously burned on the campus quad than worn on a human head.
Then there’s the brim itself. It used to be normally curved. Then it became extremely curved in the 90’s. Now it’s fucking FLAT, leaving the wearer looking even more stupid than ever. Leave on a couple of those round, silver stickers and you’ve got a recipe for a Grade A Fuckmunch who should probably just be expelled on sight. Maybe they use the flat brim as a shelf for their energy drinks.
Of course, a lot of this hat madness is influenced by that putrid, rotten “urban” rap "culture" that glorifies violence, anti-intellectualism, unrighteous indignation, a victim mentality, antisocial behavior, and overall patheticness, and our students copy it diligently, unable to come up with their own styles, so this menace transcends race, geography, and even gender. (Yes, Idiot Hats come in pink, too). It has spread far and wide, like all successful memes, and shows no signs of dying out any time soon. Even Obama (“Brothers should pull up their pants”) and Bill Cosby (see Come on People, p. 119, “Back off the Rap”) have opined on this scourge to our society.
Sure, I dressed like an idiot for most of my youth, but I was more-or-less original, and this isn’t about me. It’s about THEM.
The meme has gotten out of hand. Students all over my campus, and my city, state, and country wear these fucking things and they won’t give up the trend. They’re more interested in their precious hat than they are in their own education or self-respect.
But maybe, just maybe, there's a glimmer of light in the darkness, a tide of social sentiment welling up and about to turn...
I was grading papers at Noodles & Company a while back, and a suburban 10-year old put his cap on crooked in front of his mother. “Put it on STRAIGHT!” she demanded. And so he complied. Way to go, mommy. People like you are the defender of the homeland and our dying empire, and I salute you!
(Not only that, but I'd even give her a COOKIE!)