[Received the following email today. So excited to deal with this student -- he has everything to lose by sending me something like this. AWESOME.]
Dear Sir [I'm totally a chick, with a chick-specific name],
Dear Sir [I'm totally a chick, with a chick-specific name],
Just checked my grades for my discussion....I honestly need you to know two things about me [Do I have to?].
1. I am a Warrant Officer in the US Army and I daily review articles written by kids who just graduated high school so I appologize for ripping into any of the other students [He was a total dick like our classroom forum was an ESPN chat room]. With online learning I guess we cannot have sarcasm or be the persons we are. [By all means! Be this person, Warrant Officer Student!]
2. I didnt want to take courses right now [Lucky me that you did!] because my son has a condition [insert waaaay too much information about his family plus links to the medical condition with really gross pictures.]
You said you almost filed a plagerism charge against me because my words are close to what was written, wow, ok didnt see that coming... Let me define your assignment for you: [!!!!!!!!!!]
- a daily record of events or business; a private journal is usually referred to as a diary.
- a newspaper or other periodical, in the literal sense of one published each day.
- many publications issued at stated intervals, such as magazines, or scholarly pacific journals, academic journals, or the record of the transactions of a society, are often called journals. Although journal is sometimes used, erroneously[citation needed], as a synonym for "magazine", in academic use, a journal refers to a serious, scholarly publication, most often peer-reviewed. A non-scholarly magazine written for an educated audience about an industry or an area of professional activity is usually[citation needed] called a professional magazine.
[DUDER CITES THE F-ING DICITIONARY!?!?!]
In my opinion my journal doesnt need my sources, if you critique me for not siting [ha!] my sources then so be it, but then this is not a journal then. Its an essay. If this brings out the big red pen and magnifiying glass then let me know because I want to make sure I never mess up again.
[Duder: Surprise! It's an essay. But because the military's standards are soooo freaking low, I'm not allowed to force you to cite your sources. I was just warning you that some of your sentences were too close to the online "textbook." You cannot cut and paste. I've already told you a billion times. So don't. The point was not to get you to cite, but to get you to do the work yourself and stop copying and quoting to death.]
In my opinion my journal doesnt need my sources, if you critique me for not siting [ha!] my sources then so be it, but then this is not a journal then. Its an essay. If this brings out the big red pen and magnifiying glass then let me know because I want to make sure I never mess up again.
[Duder: Surprise! It's an essay. But because the military's standards are soooo freaking low, I'm not allowed to force you to cite your sources. I was just warning you that some of your sentences were too close to the online "textbook." You cannot cut and paste. I've already told you a billion times. So don't. The point was not to get you to cite, but to get you to do the work yourself and stop copying and quoting to death.]
I am a working man in the Army with a special needs kid I am really behind the eight ball. I have yet to address my wifes possible issues with cancer so yeah..doing my best here.
[Maybe doing an uncredited course with the military is not the best choice at this time then.]
[Maybe doing an uncredited course with the military is not the best choice at this time then.]
If you feel that you are going to give me some sort of retribution for what I have said then I am asking as one professional to another [Spit-take!!] please get back to me on how to correct the situation or find more time in my life. Thought Online college was supposed to be fluid when it comes to time [Well, you have two full weeks to do each lesson. That's pretty fucking fluid].
V/r
Mr. Smithee
[Seriously? Duder signs himself "Mr" after calling me "Sir" and being a total dick? The second email (sent 10 minutes later) expressed fear that he had gone too far. Stopped just short of apologizing and basically warned me against "retribution" in my grading of his work. Called me "Sir" again and signed it -- get this -- "CW2 Smithee" (his military rank).]
Let's take a deep breath: time to take out the trash.
[Seriously? Duder signs himself "Mr" after calling me "Sir" and being a total dick? The second email (sent 10 minutes later) expressed fear that he had gone too far. Stopped just short of apologizing and basically warned me against "retribution" in my grading of his work. Called me "Sir" again and signed it -- get this -- "CW2 Smithee" (his military rank).]
Let's take a deep breath: time to take out the trash.
This has happened before on this blog; remember the Colonel who tried to BS the instructor? I would find out who this guy's superior is and pass along these pearls of wisdom.
ReplyDeleteMy favorite thing about plagiarists is how most of them can't spell "plagiarism."
ReplyDeleteTotally with Strelnikov. COs take this shit seriously. Warrant Officer Dickhead might think he's hot shit, but he'll get straight real quick when he gets his ass chewed out by the brass. Let them take him out behind the woodshed - that's the beauty of the system.
ReplyDeleteUm, this is the point. I am reveling in my options. This guy has EVERYTHING to lose by being a dick here. I've already copied his email to three important people and I'm waiting for it to all fall into place.
ReplyDeleteThis guy is totally screwed.
WOW, that is a truly amazing student email. Thank you for sharing a shittier educational moment than my own!
ReplyDeleteThis is a nightmare. My husband was in the military, enlisted (and is actually going back in as a warrant officer for the Army) and he would flip his shit if he heard someone speak to a professor like this. Beyond the fact that his wife is a professor, the military is supposed to teach respect for authority, and although you don't outrank him in the military, you do in the "school" department. You may not be a CW3 or an officer, but you do have at least 1 - 2 degrees on him (warrants don't HAVE to have a bachelor's, at least not to get in, so it probably more like 2 - 3 degrees.) PLEASE update us on this. I am a big advocate for active duty and former military students (like I said, husband is former enlisted and now has his Bachelors and is going back in) but I come down on them just as hard when they screw up as I support them when they do what they're supposed to.
ReplyDelete...please get back to me on how to correct the situation or find more time in my life.
ReplyDeleteThis guy must think you are his therapist or life coach or somesuch. Since when do profs advise students on personal time management? And the personal information is uncalled-for. Once upon a time, people might ask to be cut some slack because of "personal problems" and leave it at that. Perhaps even a bit more specific, like "my dad just died" or "wife is very ill" or "having some some difficulty with my school-age kid," but "personal problems" covers all that and more.
It's awkward to be the unwilling recipient of so much personal information from a virtual stranger. I don't know if this student has no respect for boundaries, no notion of privacy, or if he's just shamelessly using the ill wife and child as a way to get leniency. Or perhaps he's a blatant liar. Anyway he seems downright creepy.
Well shit.
ReplyDeleteDuder has had a total and complete emotional breakdown.
I guess I should have seen that coming. Guy was on the phone with me sobbing (literally) about his cancerous wife and his underwater mortgage and his heart condition kid. Tells me he begins each day by sobbing alone in his car before going into work. That he's never cried this much in his whole, military-trained life.
I've advised him to drop out of school.
@Monkey
ReplyDeleteHoly crap. Yeah... I mean, if it's a non-credit course, why did he sign up for more stress anyway? Wow. What an incredibly uncomfortable situation for you to be in... still, it provided a moment of amusement for us! Oh, shit, that sounded insensitive... sorry. Grading papers has made me all vicious and stuff.
So we* destroyed this guy's career before he knew it, then he imploded because of his crapsack life? Jesus, the Dept of the Army should have our asses for breakfast....they might need this little spud for Afghanistan (so he can be blown to pieces by an IED. Yes, they have IEDs in Afghanistan.)
ReplyDeleteBTW, Academic Monkey, Warrant Officer Smithee calls you "sir" because he calls all superiors "sir" and there are damn few high ranking women to be called "ma'am" in unser Amerikanisher Heer. It's like the old Soviet Army - "comrade officer this" and "comrade officer" that without thinking because they drill it into you.
_____________________________________________
* I know I was the one who got the ball rolling...
...the blood on my hands from WO Smithee's career can't cover the blood on my hands from being a US taxpayer.
ReplyDeleteJust call me "White Pol Pot."
This guy needs therapy, for sure. I mean with a real, qualified therapist and not a random college professor. I know I previously mocked him for imposing his personal problems on a virtual stranger, but now I feel sorry for him. I sure hope he gets some help because it sounds like he is in a really bad way. If you talk to his superior as Stelnikov suggested, I think you should mention that he's having a rough time and would benefit from professional help. That would also cover your ass in case he does anything reckless.
ReplyDeleteYes. Mention to someone (an official person) that he has been having a rough time. At our uni, that would mean a report to the dean, but your military / school situation is different.
ReplyDeleteAlso. He doesn't know where you live, does he? I rarely exhibit paranoia of this ilk, but yeah. I'd stay aware of your surroundings for a bit.
And there's the standard, referring him to a counsellor. And let him know that he can certainly withdraw from the course with a note from a counsellor, and retake it at a later date when his personal situation has stabilized. Poor bugger.
ReplyDelete@Programming Patty
ReplyDeleteOn telling the superiors: I think that bomb has already fallen from the bomb-bay...AM mentioned that she had sent his emails to some "important people." I can only guess whom, and it can't be John Kricfalusi*, Ted Rall, and Iosif Vissaronovitch Djugashvili.
On spilling his guts: CW2 Smithee works in an environment where weakness is reviled and nobody talks to a psychiatrist. AM is an outsider, a woman, possibly an equal, but above all else approachable. This is why he acts like he does; he can't go to the sick wife, the base shrink, other Second Class Warrant Officers he might know.
________________________________________
* Nor his one-off alter-ego Stinky Wizzleteats, he of "Happy Happy Joy Joy" fame.