In-Service No Longer Available in Your Area

I'm just adjunct now when I used to be full-time, tenured faculty. I decided to give up all that fame and security for the sexier, more dangerous life of Part-time Scum. This is a world where bad evals are highlighted and mailed back to you with a letter of warning, classes (and therefore paychecks) disappear WITHOUT a letter of warning, and students aren't even remotely likely to call you anything but your first name, "Staff", even if you do have degrees and experience.

I do share all the misery and then some, but I decided to look on the "bright side" and see if there was something positive about being adjunct. So, here goes....in dedication to all you scum out there:

I have attended my last "MANDATORY" Faculty/Staff meeting. They don't know who the hell I am anyway and if asked I will easily be able to fake my way through it...

- Of course I remember discussing the changes to the syllabus to include another full page of Student Learning Outcomes tied in with the State Standards and Benchmarks, College Mission Statement and Americans with Disabilities Act. I'll be sure students know how to measure their ass, in metric, so they know whether or not they will fit in their seat or be able to verbally express their needs to the community if they can't. By the way, my syllabus is now an extension of my PhD and I will get royalties from the bound copy students must purchase in the bookstore.

- I'm very glad that I now must keep my door locked at all times (even though I teach online) so that if any bad mojo should go down, I'm safe inside with all my adoring students. I lock my door at home just to simulate the face-to-face environment so I'm trapped with my online students should my computer crash or a bad virus rear its ugly head.

I have attended my last CONTINUING "EDUCATION" course. I REFUSE TO LEARN the following:

-If you teach an ITV class, you should develop an on-air personality to make things more exciting and yourself more personable. There was the woman who was known by her signature scarf. Or the one that did little magic tricks. I didn't realize I would have to become my mother and pull a rabbit out of my ass to teach through a monitor. Encouraging participation with bite-size snickers was also a great tip and works REALLY well in an ITV environment.

-Students learn better with metaphors. "Blood is like a truck," the wise one said while running a small matchbox truck up and down his arms. "It CARRIES blood LIKE a delivery TRUCK!" I refuse to use small toys on my body to demonstrate anything, like what I am really doing while I am answering dumbass e-mails.

I have attended my last session with the JOLLYTOLOGIST.

-A Jollytologist is a very cagey, disgruntled ex-teacher who knows the weaknesses of administrators around the world. Thousands of dollars were drained from the budget to put this clown on stage, theoretically to put me in a better mood before the hammer came down and we had to learn "How to be Diverse: Different IS Better!!!!" (Actually I sneaked out the back on this one, but I kept the red, foam nose as a souvenir.)

So, bye-bye In-Service/Continuing Ed/Faculty Meetings. Part-time Scum need not attend. Woo Hoo!