The Smack - or El Smackerino, if you're not into the brevity thing

It's been a pretty good semester so far, but that doesn't mean there's no smackdown to be laid.

Wolfman Will: I get that your hirsute appearance, along with your casual dress and your literally laid-back attitude (those chairs were not meant to recline like that... how are you doing that?) are supposed to convey to me and everyone else just to what degree you have rejected the values of the dominant culture.  Your remarks in class, which are often incisive and on point, carry forth the counter-culture theme.  Sadly, you are only jumping on the bandwagon of the beer-swilling, football-loving, mainstream of students at this university by failing to do the reading, failing to show up for class very often, and failing to complete any of the assignments in an adequate fashion.  The phrase, neo-hippie, is "Turn on, tune in, drop out," not "flunk out."

Affable Andy: For the last damned time, we are not friends.  I don't care how funny and nice I am in front of the class, when you turn in a paper to me, you do not write it as if we were having a casual conversation, complete with your stupid jokes and personal addresses to me by my first name.  Once was bad enough, but to have done so again, after having been told not to do this in the comments on your first paper...

Tardy Tara: You seem bright enough (when you're in class), so what's the deal with the late assignments?  By my reckoning, not a single damned thing you've turned in has been submitted on time.  The late penalties are killing you - you'd be better off, grade-wise, to just rush through the work and get it in under the wire.  Worst part is, I know for a fact that you're enrolled in one of those time-management, welcome-to-college courses that freshman often take at this university.  No, I was wrong: the worst part is that the only other person in class who is also in that course is also late on every assignment.  Time management - you're doing it wrong.

Sporty Steve: You're killing me, man.  Why did you have to be likable?  More to the point, why did you have to be likable and still yet apparently uninterested in the class, uninterested in showing up, and uninterested in doing your work in an adequate manner?  I'm going to wind up failing you, I can feel it in my bones, and then you'll get kicked off your team, which is a shame for both you and the school.  I'd feel a lot better about it if you were one of those smug, entitled athletes, but, no, you're one of the nice, humble ones who seems to understand that he's doing something wrong... but just doesn't feel bad enough to stop doing it.  Argh.

Business Bob: Likewise, you, too, are killing me.  You must know you're the best student in this class.  You must know that you're leagues and leagues ahead of your peers in terms of intelligence and perspicacity.  You must know these things because I write them, in so many words, on all your papers when I grade them.  I have rarely seen such thorough and incisive work from graduate students, much less undergrads in a major I have traditionally considered a "soft option."  Lucrative, sure, but... sigh.  You're not going to switch majors, are you?  Damn it.  Well, good luck anyway.