As you ponder your mid-term revisions, your research papers, and your finals, you are no doubt wondering about your final grades. Indeed, some of you care so much about your final grades that you made revisions to exams on which you scored a NINETY FIVE. Your revision will add two points to that grade. Congratulations, your mummy will be so happy.
I suggest we end the suspense now. I suggest that I do what apparently everyone else in my department does and I inflate the shit out of your grades.
How do I know they are doing this inflation? I know because when I was a wee lass, I graded for them. I know how easily they graded and how much you cheated and how bizarre some of your answers were. I know that you went over my head to the professor so many times that your Crocks and Sperry Docksiders and whatever other ugly shoes you were wearing imprinted themselves firmly on my scalp. And I know the professors caved. My minions (aka: my teaching mentorees) are out there now, doing those same teaching assistant jobs. They have the prints of your Manolo Blahniks and Uggs and Converse All-Stars on their heads. And their grades are erased, too, to be replaced with the higher marks of the tenured profs.
Let's cut the crap. I'll take your present grades and shift them all so that my class average is the "norm" for our department -- a high B. You won't particularly have demonstrated much learning, but that's apparently not the point in our department. In our department we are nice, as one recently tenured faculty member put it, and nice is a good thing.
You know what's interesting? My students over at Second String State U take their low Bs and are happy with them. Ninety percent of them are NOT convinced that they are precious and unique snowflakes. You guys are different. In a bad way.
Yes, indeed, let's cut the crap. I'll give you the grade you want, you'll give me the high evaluations I need, and I'll spend finals week ensconced on my sofa with Season Five of The Wire and a bottle of gin.
The Disheartened Dog