Tuesday, December 21, 2010

"Real Goddamned Mail" By Leslie K.

  • I've forgotten my password. I remember part of it, but not all of it. Is there a way you could look it up and send it to me. It had too many characters for me to remember and now I don't know what to do.
  • Could you please delete all the posts by Xxxxxxx? He's such an ass, and I think he might be at my college. If you would delete his posts he'd probably stop coming around, and then I could post more freely. I'm not the only one who thinks this about him either. I showed his post about xxxxxxx and my friends think he's off the deep end, too.
  • My son goes to the University of Xxxxxxxx. I recently round your blog online and I have to tell you that you are misrepresenting students. I don't know what kind of a civil service job you should get instead, but I recommend you bone up on the exams and take your first step toward a new career.
  • Could you tell all the people who put their graphics on the left side of the screen to move them to the right. There should be one standard for that, and the right side makes more sense. I mean, we're not reading in Chinese are we? Yet?
  • Did you know that your avatar looks like a famous porn actress from the 1980s? I only mention it because I think someone you know is playing a joke on you. And you need to tell Darla Keef to quit saying what state she's in. I know now where she teaches and that could be bad for her career.
  • I made a really funny comment this morning and I can't find it. I don't remember which post I wrote it under. Can you look it up?
  • I wrote an email to you from the wrong account. That's my wife's account. She's a professor, too, and I don't want you to think that she sent it, because she's not unhappy with her Dean, and I know that if you were to publish that it'd be a terrible mistake. I wrote it and I'm her husband. I've decided since I wrote that that I don't have the same problem I did, so I'd rather you didn't consider it. 
  • I'm going to stop reading this site because of all of the negative comments left by Xxxxx. I don't know what kind of electro-convulsive therapy Xxxxx has been through, but whatever it was, the wattage wasn't enough or something. I will never read this page again.
  • I wish this page had more bite.
  • Could you post something once a week showing which writers got the most positive and negative comments? You could call it "thumbs up and thumps down" on So-n-So, or something. Then these egotistcal fucktwits who think they're the real stars of the page will learn that they're just backwards jackasses. And you could also post the ones that didn't get enough comments, and call them "Misunderstood Geniuses at the CM Cafe," or something.


  1. This is unbelievably awesome. That people would email you about these things! And think of these things!! And helicopter in for their snowflake of a son!!!! Fantastic.

    Leslie K, please don't burn out. Take it all with a grain (or 6 million) of salt. xoxo

    Ps, Darla, I have no idea where you work.

  2. I'm tempted to suggest that you set up an automatic feed that automagically posts all email sent to CM directly to Twitter. Then we could set up a widget to watch the incredible nonsense just scroll on by... also, it might make people think twice about emailing you with this crap! Please don't burn out, Leslie K ...

  3. "I wish this page had more bite."

    Jesus, you can't make shit like that up!

  4. I have a "friend".... And he sent you something from an address that wasn't his. What could this "friend" do about that?

    Mathsquatch out.

  5. I've got a feeling that I might be Mr. Electroshock ("Sparky" to his friends)....that's what I like about email, you get a real sense of the subterranean depths of mental activity in the English speaking world.

    Strength, Leslie K., strength....I listen to classical music to relax; perhaps Khatchaturian, Sibelius, Wagner, Beethoven, etc. could be a respite from the herp-a-durr idiocy.

    "It needs more bite"....like a dog needs fleas!

  6. MATHSQUATCH RETURNS!!!! very pleased to see you dear!

    LK, this was a brill idea for a post.

  7. Oh, Ms Leslie K: this is amusing stuff. Maybe instead of a Twitter feed, maybe just a RSS feed so we could snicker when we scroll through Google Reader or whatever.

  8. It would be funny if it weren't so sad. I mean--the parent excepted--these are people with advanced degrees presumably. Apparently all that edu-ma-cation didn't learn them much about no common fucking sense and shit. Or maybe I shouldn't be surprised. Education is not a prophylactic against fuckwittery.

  9. Woof....woof

    Fuckwittery?! Sounds so Dickensonian....where would the ghost of Christmas Fuckwittery take us? (I'm already going to hell, so a side trip elsewhere might be fun).

    Love it, Leslie K.! And since I don't watch porn, you're secret is safe with me.

  10. We could call the email writers "limpdicked shitbiscuits" but that has sexist connotations, so Fuckwittery it is.

  11. Coined by a Brit at least - Bridget Jones' diary.

  12. Wow! It's one thing to hear such nonsense from our consumers. . . I mean students. But these are actually emails written by people who may be higher on the career chain than I am? Seriously?


  13. Could you please do a word count per sentence on all the posts and comments and calculate an average readability score so I know which ones are easiest? No? Then could you just index all the alliterative smackdown names? No? What's wrong with you?

    Leslie K., thank you for being here for us, and I'm sorry you're the target for the ape shit being flung.

  14. Someone needs to start up a social media site called "Fuckwitter".

  15. Funny, but, yeah, also a bit worrying, since Leslie K is a volunteer to whom we are all much indebted, and this is downright ridiculous.

    I hope you aren't answering most of these, Leslie. After all, who are they going to complain to if you don't, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz? Maybe you could do some sort of auto-reply that specifies what kinds of correspondence you do and do not reply to, and ignore anything that doesn't fall in the "do reply" category?

  16. I'm still waiting for my password!


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