Dave Deskjockey, vice assistant provost of bureaucracy, announces the new Universal Grade Change Form For Students (UGCFFS). The form is to be used for all grade changes and removals of incompletes starting immediately. Deskjockey notes that the form allows Farmville to be more user friendly and enhances student engagement. He stated the new form ‘represents a major milestone in Farmville’s effort to become the undergraduate institution of choice in the state and helps us accomplish our strategic planning goal of collectively and aggressively chugging to namby-pamby land.’
Dean Dork has endorsed the form and was quoted in the Farmville Enquirer as saying: ‘I’m just interested in making the place better.’ Dork went on to say that if faculty have any questions about other new forms that are pending and/or have not yet been developed or announced to ‘just ask.’
You can sign up for UGCF training on BlackholeBoard. Training is mandatory and will take place on weekends or semester breaks. You are not allowed to register for a training session on one of your furlough days.
The form is given below.
Universal Grade Change Form
Professor/teacher/instructor________________________
Student – last name first unless first name is last_____________________
Student ID # ____________________
I think my grade in your course,_________________, should be changed from___to___for the following reasons:
1. ____The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
2. ____The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
3. ____This course will lower my GPA and I won't get into:
__Med School __Dental School __Chiropractic School
__Acupuncture school __Grad School __Mickey Mouse Club
4. ____I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in _____________.
5. ____I'll lose my scholarship.
6. ____I'm on a varsity sports team and my coach couldn't find a copy of your exam.
7. ____I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.
8. ____I studied the basic principles but the exam wanted every little fact.
9. ____I studied the facts and definitions but the exam asked about general principles.
10. ____I understood the material; I just couldn't do the problems.
11. ____I can work the problems, but your exam expected understanding.
12. ____You are prejudiced against:
__Males __Females __Protestants __Chicanos __Jews __Catholics __Muslims __People __Blacks __Whites __Minorities __Jocks __Students __Young people __Old people
13. ____If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.
14. ____I was unable to do well in this course because of the following:
__mono __acute alcoholism __drug addiction __VD __broken finger __pregnancy __fatherhood __I have allergic reaction to brain work __I am intellectually challenged.
15. ____You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted that done.
16. ____I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
17. ____The lectures were:
__too detailed to pick out important points
__not explained in sufficient detail
__too boring
__all jokes and no material
__too serious--not enough entertainment to keep me awake.
18. ____All my other profs have agreed to raise my grades.
19. ____I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
20. ____This course was:
__too early, I was not awake.
__too late, I was tired.
__at lunchtime, I was hungry.
21. ____My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, term paper) for this course.
Bless DeskJocky :-)
ReplyDeletePure genius.
ReplyDelete22. ___ My Mom thought my paper was really good and the prof failed to appreciate my genius.
ReplyDeleteThis is great!
Will the training via BlackholeBoard tell me whether I can just hand this form directly to students when I return graded work? Y'know, just to be more student-centered and anticipate their grading "needs."
ReplyDeleteYou forgot to add a 22(b):
ReplyDeleteIf I am caught lying about the professor and the course, may I be deported to Siberia to serve forty (40) years in the Russian military never rising above the rank of corporal.
(Signed)
_________________________________________
(Date)
_________________________________________
I *love* this! But why not use the Paperwork Reduction Act and just issue the snowflakes a form for them to fill out the grade they deserve on each course? That would save so much time normally spent arguing!
ReplyDeleteI am printing this out right now, and I am going to take it with me for the three meetings scheduled tomorrow so that the little darlings from last term can fill it out before we discuss their grades. Ooooooh, yes.
ReplyDeleteThis is what happens when you realize that your school has fucked you by allowing students to turn in evaluations AFTER their final grades are issued and by NOT requiring an evaluation from each student...so you only get the very good and the very bad (and mostly the very bad). If they've screwed you this hard, why not just give up the pretense of caring whether or not you're doing a good job as a teacher?
I am so, so disillusioned it's not even funny. Sure, they might stop hiring me as an adjunct. I'm only term-to-term anyway, so I'll just find some other shithole college to teach in OR I'll go back to working in a coffeeshop. No fucking problem.
Brilliant!
ReplyDeleteI wish I dared post this on my office door (then again, if I want to make sure that most of my students never see it, that wouldn't be a bad location to post it). It is, indeed, brilliant, and all too accurate.
ReplyDelete@BlackDog: the nonrequired evaluations are par for the course, in my experience. The only way to avoid that would be to use online evaluations and require students to fill out the evaluation in order to gain access to their final grade. That would solve both problems, but I'm ambivalent about it; still, I think it would be marginally better than the present system. I would, however, like to see a way to have the professor identify and exclude students who didn't truly take the course: didn't attend and/or didn't complete major assignments. Such choices should be made before the professor sees the evaluations, just as the students should, indeed, fill out the evaluations before they receive their final grades. Every university I've worked for has been careful to make sure that is the case, so, yes, your employer fell down on the job.
Fantastic! This is the stuff I come to this blog for.
ReplyDeleteI'm storing this on BlackholeBoard under "Required Readings". They'll never find it there....
ReplyDeleteOoo, BlackDog, that sucks. We are required to administer evaluations by the last day of class -- before exams *or* grades.
ReplyDelete