I know a great deal of Misery experienced by proffies is due to certain students having an infinite supply of dying relatives. As a returning student I've seen my peers pull this nonsense on multiple occasions.This morning, I got the news that my father died. I will necessarily be away from my job and school for at least a few days of the next week as I shuffle back and forth between two states to deal with everything.
Q: How do I best approach my (online) proffies to explain the situation and not look like a flake? Complicating matters is that our late spring semester just started two weeks ago and I haven't had time to establish a reputation as a diligent student yet. I'm at a loss for what the protocol and etiquette is. Thanks for your help.
A: Post replies below.
I'm very very sorry about your father. What a horrible loss.
ReplyDeleteTo answer your question, I, for one, prefer that students abstain from offering any excuses or explanations of their absences. An absence is an absence, and it changes nothing in practical terms to know that a student had a valid reason not to be there.
I have many students in my courses, and it's an incredible drag to have to answer dozens of emails that narrate long stories about why they had to be absent. I honestly don't care at all.
Be honest, email them and tell them what has happened. Some may ask for proof, others will not care if this is true or not.
ReplyDeleteI have a no-fault make-up exam policy. The excuse is irrelevant for sometimes students lie, but often real events occur outside a student's control. But regardless, the work has to be made up.
I will note that I had, on average, 10.4 grandparents die per term. With my new oral make-up exam (they have to come to my office and answer questions at the blackboard), I only have 4.3 grandparents die per term. My new policy is saving lives.
@Student: I'm very sorry to hear about your father. I'd send all of your professors a quick email now, giving them the news and saying what you say here: that you will be moving between two states, dealing with details, etc., over the next few weeks, and will contact each of them individually to follow up on how you'll catch up on any work you have to delay. Don't offer too much detail, but if you're an only child and your parents were divorced or your mother is already dead or in declining health herself, so it all falls on you, say that, briefly. Then do the follow up as soon as you can: look at your syllabi, figure out to the best of your ability what you can and can't do, and send individual emails asking for extensions on particular assignments. You'll probably get an idea pretty quickly of which proffies are going to be flexible, skeptical, etc., from their initial responses, and can plan your priorities in part using those responses as guidelines.
ReplyDeleteThe key thing is to be organized and proactive (hard at a time like this, I know, but the adrenaline helps a bit), so it's clear you're not dumping the situation in the proffie's lap as an excuse for an extended silence followed by the assumption that the proffie will help you pick up the pieces later. Basically, handle it the same way you would with a boss, and you should be fine.
I wouldn't offer proof up front, but be prepared with a link to an obituary, PDF of a relevant document, or something along those lines should one of them ask.
I agree about the proactive approach. Don't email all your profs the same email. Even if you copypasta the body of the email, and change only the salutation, it looks so much more like you have your shit together than an email that has "Dear Professor" and a bunch of names in the "to" line.
ReplyDeleteIf you can get your head around it, be clear about any extensions you are asking for, or what policies you might be taking advantage of for skipped tests, or whatever.
A line like "I will be happy to provide documentation" goes a long way towards establishing credibility. It can be awkward ask for dead relative proof, but some of us are bound by policies that require it.
My sympathies. This cannot be easy, but you seem to be taking a responsible course of action.
ReplyDeleteI have different preferences than Clarissa. I'm also not a fan of long narratives, but a simple explanation - "My father died this morning." - can help put things in perspective. I would also suggest offering to provide some sort of official documentation. You professors may not ever actually want to see it, but being prepared to do so will help establish some sense of honesty, as opposed to the countless horde of suddenly dead grandmothers.
Your college may also have a program set up for situations like this. I know that my university has official channels through which information like this is passed. Try contacting your academic advisor - they'll either know themselves or know someone who can find out.
Best of luck.
Sincere condolences on your loss.
ReplyDeleteI understand the ideology that has been expressed that any absence is an absence, the reasons are really not material.
However, my greater pet peeve is when absences -- legitimate or otherwise -- become problematic at major deadlines, usually cropping up immediately before/after said deadline.
To that end, I express to my students that "it is easier to ask forgiveness than permission" is not a philosophy I endorse. I prefer to be kept in the loop when challenges arise. In my mind, this is a demonstration of preparedness and maturity.
That said, I do not expect dissertation-length explanations. A quick note, e.g "I have just learned that my father has died. I will be spending the next __ days tending to family matters. I understand that I am still responsible for coursework and will do my best to keep current" is all I need to hear.
When a student expresses an understanding that responsibilities remain, even in the face of emergencies and challenges, I am inclined to be as accommodating as practicable.
But, as you've seen in just a handful of answers (thus far) ... professorial attitudes vary widely in this regard. Unfortunately, you will probably get a different response from each of your own instructors.
I'm sure this is not the answer you want to hear, but it's going to depend on your school and on the policies of your individual profs, as well as on whether or not you have any assignments due / tests you will miss / strict participation requirements. Look to the language in the syllabus - is there anything about exceptions to the course policies on legitimate grounds with documentation?
ReplyDeleteWhen a similar situation happened to me in my last year of undergrad at a (Canadian) R1, my profs, who knew me well, took my word for it. I sent them a link to the online obituary, they offered their condolences, and I was back in class and handing in assignments the next week. However, my sister, who was attending a community college, was told she needed a note from the funeral home, on their letterhead, to justify her missing a day of classes.
I was lucky - I was able to "perform" at school and mourn at the same time for the few weeks I absolutely had to, until the term was over and I could deal with the grief the way I needed to. (I recommended running. To the casual observer, tears just look like sweat.) You won't know how this is going to impact the rest of your term until you live it - and it's for this reason I suggest you fill your profs in.
When it comes to dealing with my own students, I'd rather know something is happening in the moment than have a student in a legitimate crisis disappear and only come to me after it's too late. The policies of my institution also require students in crisis to gather "appropriate" documentation of said crisis in the moment when said crisis is occurring - which is a rant for another time.
As someone whose climb up the ivory tower has been winding, to say the least, (and who now has a say in graduate and undergraduate admissions) I can also tell you that it is far better to drop the course and make it disappear than do badly and have to explain a lousy grade for the rest of your academic career. In my experience, it's easier to make more money and pay more tuition than it is to make an F go away.
I am truly sorry for your loss.
"When a student expresses an understanding that responsibilities remain, even in the face of emergencies and challenges, I am inclined to be as accommodating as practicable. "
ReplyDeleteThis is the key. Everything else is details.
I like what Drunk in a Midnight Choir wrote.
ReplyDeleteAlso, if the semester just started two weeks ago, then ask the administrators of this online school for a refund. Tell them about your dad. Tell them you'll show them the death certificate. Tell them you're distraught. Better yet, instead of asking for a refund, just tell them you'd like to withdraw from this semester and use the money to enroll for the next semester. They'll still get their grubby hands on your money, which is all they care about. Nobody likes giving a refund.
At the two universities I have taught at, students can contact the dean of students when something like this happens, and the dean's office will verify the info and send an official email to all the professors of the student. That's how I know when the students are making it up- cause I ask them to contact the dean of students, and the liars never do. Maybe check to see if your school has something similar?
ReplyDeleteAlso, there will probably be an obituary with your name on it somewhere, and I know when I went to a close relative's funeral I was able to get a letter from the funeral director saying "Please accommodate this person whose relative X has died." Collect this info, as it can be used as documentation for your professors.
I'm sorry to hear about your loss. It is never easy to say good-bye to a parent.
ReplyDeleteI would tell them you "need to go on compassionate leave." It would be better if your could specify exactly when you'll return. If anyone asks for more information, send them the web address of the obituary. That's all you should need to do.
Whenever I get a student wanting to be let out of something because of a death, I say, "I'm sorry to hear it. I don't want to seem hard, but so many students in the past have misled me about this, I'm going to need for you to give me a copy of the obituary, and I'll excuse you."
Whenever they give me a genuine copy of an obit, I feel like a heel for having asked, but so help me, so many students have lied to me straight-faced about this, it -is- necessary. Again, I'm sorry about your loss.
For something like this, I'd e-mail or (perhaps better) call the profs and explain. Tell them that you'll need about two weeks of less than constant attention to your studies, but that you'll make up all the work etc.... then do it.
ReplyDeleteIf you need more than two weeks, withdraw or drop -- sometimes school and life simply don't work well together and there's no shame in that.
I wish I had this advice when my father died in my last semester of my senior year. While most of my professors were sympathetic and took my word for what had happened, there was one who just wouldn't believe me. No amount of proof would suffice for her and it got so frustrating that I asked her if she would "be satisfied with a vile of my dead father's ashes." Unsurprisingly, that did not go over well and she proceeded to make my life miserable for the remainder of the semester. She even threatened to not approve me for graduation because I did not print my senior thesis on the appropriate grade of cotton paper. It was only at that point that the dean got involved.
ReplyDeleteAnyway...
The moral of this story is follow protocol to avoid heaping a world of misery upon yourself.
I am so, so, so sorry about your loss, and that you even have to think about this. A pox on all the losers and slackers who have used a fake family death to get out of things -- making us have to disrespect, for even a moment, someone's genuine loss by asking for documentation.
ReplyDeleteDo contact your advisor, the Dean of Students, and anyone else official. They'll take care of unreasonable professors. When the worst of it is over, proactively submit a funeral notice or obituary, as painful as it is. Nobody should argue with that.
My sincere condolences on your loss.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely check to see if there is someone outside of your profs who you can provide documentation too. Dean of students, perhaps, or someone with Student Services. At my university, we have an office in Student Services who collects documentation in these cases and then contacts all profs for the student. If I get something from this office, I work with the student as much as I can because this office does not take fluff for documentation.
Do contact your professors yourself as well though. This personal touch will truly show them that, during such a terrible time, you are still committed to doing the work (along with the above recommendation that you take responsibility for the work you will miss). Good luck as you get through this difficult time in your life.
Thanks to everyone who responded. I appreciate all your advice. Really, it's common sense, but your posts helped clarify what I needed to do amidst the chaos.
ReplyDelete@Bubba, it's not an online school, but rather some online classes at a traditional school. Fortunately my own meatspace class doesn't meet again until after the funeral so I think I've got that covered. (It's math, which I'm good at, and there are no assignments due.)
The online classes, however, require a lot of writing on tight deadlines. I've emailed the professors concerned (thanks again for all your advice) and they have been understanding.
My dad was an Ivy grad. I think the thing I'm saddest about is he won't see my finish college. He was always supportive of what I wanted to do, but I know he wanted me to finish my education as well.
Thanks again for your help.
I am so very sorry for both your loss and the fact you have to deal with this problem. I'm glad you emailed your professors promptly and communicated clearly. Most of us will be if the student makes a good faith effort and is able to handle the loss well enough to stay in class. I have told students before that it would be in their best interest to drop if it's clear they are suffering badly enough not to be able to focus on their studies, but if you have a plan to get through and work with your professors to achieve it, you will make it.
ReplyDeleteOh, Kenny, I didn't realize this was you (Kenny has commented before). I'll be thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI don't have anything else to add to the excellent advice that has been given. I just wanted to offer you my deepest sympathies.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. I will be thinking of you.