This is a letter I sent to my students in that alternate universe where I have a spine:
Dear Gumdrop Unicorns, Precious Little Flowers, and Unique Snowflakes,
You pay tuition to take the course I teach.
This does not make you customers. The money you pay is the only reason that I suffer your presence. Your tuition is one of the ways you say “Thank you, sir, for the privilege of having a chance at becoming educated.” My “customer” is humanity, you lazy worms.
I am going to bolt a bronze plaque above the entrance to every lecture hall I teach in which reads “THIS IS MY SHIP AND I’LL DO AS I DAMN WELL PLEASE”, as a reminder to the next student that so much as looks at me wrong: I will put so much boot up your ass that your great-grandchildren will taste leather.
That is all.
Sincerely,
Prof. M.R.
Dear Gumdrop Unicorns, Precious Little Flowers, and Unique Snowflakes,
You pay tuition to take the course I teach.
This does not make you customers. The money you pay is the only reason that I suffer your presence. Your tuition is one of the ways you say “Thank you, sir, for the privilege of having a chance at becoming educated.” My “customer” is humanity, you lazy worms.
I am going to bolt a bronze plaque above the entrance to every lecture hall I teach in which reads “THIS IS MY SHIP AND I’LL DO AS I DAMN WELL PLEASE”, as a reminder to the next student that so much as looks at me wrong: I will put so much boot up your ass that your great-grandchildren will taste leather.
That is all.
Sincerely,
Prof. M.R.
You sound like a real drag. It's one thing to expect students to behave with a modicum of maturity and responsibility, but viewing their tuition payment as a way of saying "thank you, sir, for the privilege..." is rather self-satisfied. So it's not enough to be decent students, they should also thank you for the privilege of taking your class? I'm sure you regard it as a privilege, but sometimes a class is just a requirement of getting a degree and not a life-changing experience. Wanting to do whatever you please in the lecture hall is an arrogant, unrealistic expectation. Unless you're a rock star, there's not too many jobs where you get to do whatever you want, and even rock stars are expected to perform. I'm sure your students drive you crazy but you don't seem like such a gem yourself, based on your post. You probably aren't a drag but that's how you read onscreen! I guess it's just the usual embittered hyperbole. Sorry you hate your job.
ReplyDeletePatty, do you really think it's hyperbole? Why? Does the fact that MR is writing a letter in his fantasy world give it away?
ReplyDeleteNo shit.
If that's your conclusion, why do you bust his chops for not being a nice guy? Maybe he's being hyperbolic, after all.
Damn, this place is depressing sometimes. At least you didn't think he was a vampire. +1 for you.
@Programming Patty, I'm guessing you've never had a student snarl at you that they pay your salary; therefore, you should thank them for being in class because they are the customer.
ReplyDeleteI don't think MR hates his or her job. I think certain students with entitled attitudes might be particularly detested, though.
DETESTED VAMPIRES AND GAY ROCK STARS:
ReplyDeleteWelcome to my ship.
Oh, the humanity....
@ Patty
ReplyDeleteYeah, what everyone else said!
I was very surprised the first time a student snarled at me in class, "I'm paying $xxx for this class, I have a right to..." (dictate the quiz format, the first time I heard this).
ReplyDeleteFor a start, son, I really doubt that YOU'RE paying $xxx for this class. But that's not the point. The point is, what does the tuition fee entitle them to?
I was taken aback and didn't come up with the perfect answer, that time, but I've polished it now, and now I say,
"That $xxx gives you the opportunity to get an education. That's ALL it gives you. I suggest you take it."
In other words, go M.R.! We're on the same page here.
Alternatively, you can hang a plaque which says "Abandon thy sense of entitlement, ye who enter here."
ReplyDeleteBack in the day when our admins had time to do such things, I actually sent an inquiry to our budget officer about how much of a student's tuition pays my salary since I had some smart-ass snowflake throw that line at me. He took the number of students I was teaching that term as of the last refund day and calculated it based on in-system rates using some formula that took into account how much tuition actually goes into the instructional budget. At the time, since I was an associate proffie, it came out to about $12 a student per semester. As a full proffie now and with the very small tuition hikes that have come along since then, my guess is it's probably around $16-18. For that price, it might be worth it to personally give them a refund of that portion of one's salary being paid and tell them to leave!
ReplyDeleteIt would indeed be fun to say, "Then you can have your $20 back and please leave."
ReplyDelete@EnglishDoc and Froad: $20 goes to the first one of you to try that! :o)
ReplyDeleteYou can justify MR being a drag, but any professor with the attitude of Your tuition is one of the ways you say "Thank you, sir, for the privilege of having a chance at becoming educated." is bound to be unpopular, even despised, by students. Not that MR cares about that but maybe if he didn't act like being in his classroom was a wonderful privilege for which every student should be immensely grateful, he wouldn't be such a drag.
ReplyDeleteI know you all want to be Mr. Chips and or Mr. Keating or whatever but not every student is capable of pretending that your class is a life-changing experience for which they are eternally grateful. Be glad if your students are decent, do their assignments, participate in class, and act like reasonably mature adults and give up on the notion that Average U is the School of Athens or Dead Poet's Society or whatever fantasy institutions where students are eternally grateful and your lectures change their lives.
And yes, students have called me - in particular, when I was home sick and bedridden, a student called me on my cell phone (which a colleague saw fit to give out) and bitched and ranted at me that I had the nerve to be out sick on a day he needed me to send something to the listserv... it wasn't even late in the day, just an hour or two after he sent an e-mail that I never got since I was delirious with fever. I know how wretched students can be, but I choose not to be equally wretched and expect eternal gratitude and then act like a drag because I don't get it. I expect only civility and I'm usually dissappointed. If I expected gratitude or even a mere "thank you" I'd be eternally disappointed.
What the hell are you talking about Patty? MR pretends to write a letter to students and you take it as an indictment of all of us. Have you been paying attention to what we say on this site? We rail against students who can't achieve the simple benchmarks of competent adulthood, not lament that they aren't standing on their desks saying "Oh, Captain, my captain."
ReplyDeleteLet me use small words for you. We say things here that we can't say in real life. That means that the way we act here is not how we act in real life. Nobody knows how MR is in real life because of his one post.
For Christ's sake, Patty, we've been knocking you around this place for 9 months. I'd think you'd catch on by now.