Scene: An R1 Wannabe University in Outer Canuckistan, as Final Exams approach.
Enter Rosencrantz and/or Guildenstern and Camping Trip Carl
CTC : Professor .. whichever, I just checked the exam schedule, and I noticed that our exam is on the last day of the exam period. I have to lead a camping trip for disadvantaged youth two days later and I need to travel to another part of the forest to do so. Can I write my exam early?
R/G : No, I don't think that would be fair, since the syllabus does indicate that students need to be available throughout the exam period. It will be a tight travel schedule, but I think you can manage.
Exit Canoe Trip Carl, Enter Motorbike Mike
MBM : Hi Professor. I just checked the exam schedule, and I noticed that our exam is on the last day of the exam period. I have to start a job three days later in another part of Canuckistan.
R/G : But three days is plenty of time to travel that distance. Surely you can write at the scheduled time.
MBM : Yes, but you see I just bought a motorcycle, and the only way I can get it to my new job is to ride it through the snowdrifts of Canuckistan, and it is a second hand motorcycle which may require repairs along the way. Are you sure I can't write early?
R/G : No, that wouldn't be fair, I've already said no to someone else. It's not your job that conflicts, for which I might have some sympathy, but your motorbike.
Exit Motorbike Mike, Enter Road Trip Rhoda
RTR : Professor, I just checked the exam schedule, and I noticed that our exam is on the last day of the exam period. I'm graduating this fall, and my friends and I had planned a two week road trip through the glamour spots of Canuckistan in celebration. Unfortunately, we leave three days before the exams are over, and my friends cannot wait until after the exam.
R/G : Doesn't that mean you are celebrating a little early?
RTR : Ummm... I guess? But my friends have to start jobs soon.
R/G : No, I don't think that would be fair. I've already said no to two others. I sympathize with your desire to celebrate graduating, but the syllabus says you have to be available throughout the exam period. Perhaps you can catch up with your friends a few days late.
Exit Road Trip Rhoda, Enter Family Guy Frank
FGF : Hi Professor...
R/G : Let me guess, you just checked the exam schedule.
FGF : How did you guess?
R/G : Years of Jedi training
FGF : Really?
R/G : No. But they do train scientists to recognize patterns. You were saying...?
FGF : I noticed that our exam is on the last day of the exam period. My family wants to fly me and my elder sister to a vacation spot near a sunny beach three days before the exam. I know you would not wish for me to miss this outing, nor for my parents to lose their non-refundable deposit.
R/G : Are you in Dr. Yaro's class by any chance?
FGF : How did you guess?
R/G : I told you, Jedi training. But getting back to the matter at hand, No, I don't think that would be fair. I've already said no to several others.
FGF : But.. But.. Vacation spot.. Sunny beach.. Non-refundable..
Exit Family Guy Frank, Enter Wedding Day Wendy
WDW : Professor, I just checked the exam schedule, and I noticed that our exam is on the last day of the exam period.
R/G : So I've been told.
WDW : (Pause) So Anyway, my sister is getting married in a far off land three days before the exam. I have to write the exam early.
R/G : Ooh, that is a problem. I understand how important this is to your family, but I've already turned down multiple requests to write early. Did your family not consult with you when setting the date?
WDW : Sure but no one ever has exams on the last day of the exam period!
R/G : Wouldn't that mean that the day before the last day would then become the last day?
WDW : Huh?
R/G : (Counts to eleven) I really sympathize, but I've already said no to many others, and I can't start bending the rules now.
WDW : Fine! I'll miss the wedding! WhatEVER!
Exit Wedding Day Wendy.
R/G : (To Dean) Damn, I feel kinda bad about that last one. Do you think I'm being to hard-assed?
Dean : No man, you rock! Stay Strong!
Enter Sports Event Samson
SES : Hi Professor, I just checked the exam schedule, and I noticed that our exam is on the last day of the exam period.
R/G : There's a lot of that going around.
SES : Really? Well anyway, my Dangerous Sport team is travelling to the Big Championship that takes place at the end of the exam period.
R/G : I didn't know R1 Wannabe U. even had a team in Dangerous Sport
SES : We don't, but I belong to the Dangerous Sport Club across town, and Captain Coach want's us to participate in the Conflicting Contest immediately beforehand.
R/G : Wait, you mean it's not a school event, and the Big Championship isn't until after the exam? In that case, I have to say no. I've already said no to a whole crowd of others. You can get there in time for the Big Championship but you'll have to skip the Conflicting Contest.
SES : OK. (Exit)
R/G : Whew! That was easier than I thought.
Enter Off Campus Captain Coach
OCCC : Hi Professor, I wanted to talk to you about Sports Event Samson and the Big Championship. You have to understand that it is standard practice in Dangerous Sport to run a Conflicting Contest before a Big Championship.
R/G : Well, I used to dabble in a Dangerous Sport in my younger days, so I do understand your sport, but I'm sure you understand that I have to apply the rules fairly - you'd expect no less of the referees at Big Championship....
OCCC : Why you little...! I've never heard such a thing, nor met anyone so intransigent. I've trained my whole life for this! I hope you realize you've ruined our chances with your inflexibility!
R/G : (Aside) And your standing in this matter is...? (To OCCC, very politely) Bite me.
Exit Off Campus Captain Coach
R/G : (Railing to the Heavens) Strooth! What next? Anyone else got an excuse? Wanna crank it up another notch? Anyone? Think you can break me?
Enter Church Goer Charles
CGC : Hi Dr... I just checked the exam schedule...
R/G : (interrupting, slightly desperate) and you noticed that our exam is on the last day of the exam period - I know, I know!
CGC : No it's not that...
R/G : (Startled) Wait, wait, what?
CGC : No, not at all. It's on the Sabbath.
R/G : Oh God!
CGC : Exactly. I belong to Splinter Denomination of Mainstream Monotheistic Faith. We believe the True Sabbath is on the day of the final exam.
R/G : You mean your faith was founded on a scheduling conflict?
CGC : More or less.
R/G : And given your emphasis on scheduling the Sabbath, did you perchance consider this issue back when the exam schedule was announced three months ago?
CGC : Err.. Sorry, no.
R/G : (Aside) I'm beat aren't I?
Enter Human Rights Hubert from Human Rights Office
HRH : Yup. It's campus policy.
Exeunt clutching bottle of Scotch.