So I'm still in the Hizzy, in case you were wondering. My sabbatical is winding down. I know this because the dean called me at home today to ask for a favor. Blech. Also, I went down to campus last week to see the stack of mail in my office and count how many books the visiting person who was using it "borrowed" this time (answer, as far as I could tell, only one).
Anyway, as I was walking towards my building, I had the distinct displeasure of overhearing snippets of snowflaky conversation coming from gaggles of students walking the other way. Since I only heard the first half of a bunch of flakery, I thought I'd do a little crowdsourcing to figure out what they were really saying. So, all you have to do is insert the second clause to the following real goddamned flake sentences:
1) "I know I'm not the epitome of hygiene or anything, but ..."
2) OK, sure, I don't spend that much time in the library, but ..."
3) So then I asked for an extension, but ..."
4) Sure, I get that there's a final exam schedule and everything, but ..."
5) I know you're a total moron, but ..."
Special bonus points to anyone who can finish the sentence I spoke to the obnoxious French tourist who actually contradicted me when I politely explained that the attraction he was looking for is in a city a few hundred miles away.
"Je sais que vous n'avez pas besoin d'une guide, mais ... "
Goody! A game! For extra points, I am paraphrasing actual stories I heard from friends/family/students over the year (including my freshman roommate):
ReplyDelete1) I know I'm not the epitome of hygiene or anything, but.. it was a dead cat! Who doesn't smell a dead cat?! Or notice it's been gone? (roommate)
2) OK, sure, I don't spend that much time in the library, but.. I didn't realize they still kept BOOKS there! I only go there for the coffee. (student)
3) So then I asked for an extension, but.. the professor made this big deal about how I turned in the same assignment as my friend from last semester and how that's plagiarism. I was like, I KNOW, that's why I need an extension! (student)
4) "Sure, I get that there's a final exam schedule and everything, but he's really cute and I already bought my tickets. Besides he's totally conservative and how many cute boys aren't full-out socialists? I can't miss this trip." (my neighbor in grad school)
5) I know you're a total moron, but.. you show up for class almost every time so you've got to get at least a B. (a misguided co-worker)
And the bonus:
"Je sais que vous n'avez pas besoin d'une guide, mais.. ce plan et les livres sont Italians!
(in honor of my sister, who to Nice thinking it was in Italy. She spoke only Italian and brought only Italian guides and phrasebooks)
1) ... I'm not used to not having Mom here to wipe my bum for me.
ReplyDelete2) ... I'm such a raving genius that I don't actually need to read what other people say.
3) ... Professor Strelnikov said only if I hack off a middle finger and eat it in front of him.
4) ... my governess used to let me take tests whenever I wanted.
5) ... hey, Second-String U. values your tuition dollars!
Extra Credit: ...voulez vous coucher avec moi, ce soir?
Students where you work know the words "epitome" and "hygiene"? Lucky you!
ReplyDeleteI never cut fingers because I'm not a Saudi aristocrat; I just shoot, blow up, smother, or mangle the pissants.
ReplyDelete1) I know I'm not the epitome of hygiene or anything, but I dare you to find someone who can marinate in their own perfume as well as I can.
ReplyDelete2) OK, sure, I don't spend that much time in the library, but I once glanced at a book on my roommate's desk so I totally know what it's like.
3) So then I asked for an extension, but he said no and told me to put my clothes back on.
4) Sure, I get that there's a final exam schedule and everything, but this game of Angry Birds is not going to play it self.
5) I know you're a total moron, but at least you're pretty.