Dear Dr. Devil,
I just checked my grades, and noticed that I have got a grade of A in Applied Nuclear Crayons 101, and a grade of D in Applied Nuclear Crayons 102. I'll get in big trouble if I have to get a D. I was wondering if it would be OK to make my grade in ANC 101 a B, and make my grade in ANC 102 a C.
Please respond quickly.
I responded:
My Dear Scholar,
First, permit me to thank you for commanding me to respond quickly. Without your helpful reminder, I'm sure that it wouldn't have occurred to me to reply at all.
Now, to your request: Why, certainly, that would be no trouble at all.
I realize that you had some serious drinking to get done during the period that you were inconveniently enrolled in ANC 102, and your 61% performance in the class was certainly not your fault. Besides, that's exactly how I got my doctorate in Nuclear Crayonology: I took Masturbation 101 twelve times, got straight A's, and then "transferred" the score in exactly the same manner to my courses in Nuclear Crayonology, since I couldn't manage to pass those courses to save my life. After all, it doesn't really matter what you've learned; what matters is the money that your parents have paid.
Let's meet to fill out the paperwork. Oh, I've moved--just go out back, behind the cafeteria, and wait by the dumpster. My office hours are 3-4am; see you then.
Love,
The Devil Himself
"I took Masturbation 101 twelve times, . . ."
ReplyDeleteThe feelgood class of the year.
" . . .got straight A's, . . ."
Well, something was straight, anyway.
" . . .and then "transferred" the score in exactly the same manner to my courses in Nuclear Crayonology, . . ."
Eeeeeeeeewwwwwwww.
(I almost didn't post this for being a little to over the top, a little to likely to touch a nerve with some sensibilities. Then I realized that I don't particularly care that much. I'm having fun. And yes, I'm using two hands to type you pervs.)
I actually had a teacher in high school who agreed to do something of this sort for me, though the case was not as extreme. I was managing fairly well in Breadmaking but exceptionally well in Soup Studies (both advanced-but-elective courses). The teacher in question agreed to give me an 'A' in Breadmaking if I would accept a low A-range grade in Soup Studies. I'm still grateful.
ReplyDeleteWow, CBB, who knew that grades were so flexible? I could be a nuclear physicist if I'd agreed to lower some of my outstanding English grades in exchange for A's in science. I could have ended up working for NASA as a complete incompetent! Or designing bridges with my rudimentary math abilities! Kudos to your teacher for figuring out how to reward weak skills, something this country surely needs more of.
ReplyDeleteEww! I just hope he brings a condom.
ReplyDeleteAs the kids say, ZOMG. Possibly even ZOMFG.
ReplyDeleteDitto BD. ZOMFG.
ReplyDelete