Captain Subtext: Truth Helmet On and Auto-Translate Option Enabled

Captain Subtext, my dearest television friend, popped by at lunch today. This following exchange is what he overheard.

To: CMP

From: Engineering Major Michael

Subject: Grades and Other Stuff

Dear Mrs. CMP,

I didn’t bother to come to class for the last week and I’ve decided not to refer to the syllabus. Can you tell me what your office hours are this week?

I wanted to talk to you about my last major assignment that I sent to class with my friend on Friday. Even though you assigned it three weeks ago I didn’t bother to download it until Thursday night. I know that all my classmates thought that it was the easiest assignment so far and that half of them visited your office just to be sure it really was that easy. I even heard that some of them turned the major assignment in before they left your office because it really was that easy and they figured they might as well not carry it around anymore since they knew they had A’s on the assignment. But, you see, I just didn’t get it. I read the title and first sentence and it wasn’t brutally obvious what the final answer was. I could have read a little further but I figured that since the first sentence didn’t tell me what the answer was that you would rather I come talk to you about. Right before I gave my major assignment to my friend to give to you, I noticed that there were numbers on the assignment handout. I hadn’t noticed those when read the first sentence. Since there were numbers on the paper I’m sure that I would understand the assignment if you spelled out all the steps for me. So I wanted to come tell you these things in person because I think that you are so stupid that you will be believe me.

I also wanted to talk about my final grade. I’m too lazy to compute it by myself so I want you to do it for me. It may not be so much that I am lazy as I am incompetent. Even though the syllabus outlines your exact method of computing grades I’m afraid I failed the 5th grade. I don’t know what “equally weighted” means and I have no idea how to compute 25% of anything. It really isn’t important that I understand those concepts anyway since I’m going to be an engineer. I’ll be building important things like bridges and buildings. I really only need to know how to use CAD. Calculus is really not that important either. I’m sure that my boss will be able to do all that kind of math for me. He’ll realize that I am so important that keeping me back at the office doing grunt work is a waste of my talents. He’s going to want me to go to all the important meetings with clients and do the TV interviews when our firm is selected to build skyscrapers in NYC, Chicago, Los Angles, and Paris. Besides these obvious things, I wanted to take the opportunity to correct your grading scheme. It doesn’t recognize that I am the most brilliant student that you have ever had. So obviously your scheme is flawed. I know that you can’t grade everyone on the same scale as me. So we can compromise and you can use your flawed system on them. If you just give me the A I deserve, then I’ll have the 2.3 I need to graduate. And since you haven’t written the final yet, I can tell you the kinds of problems that should be on it. On the last few exams you’ve been asking about material that I’m not very familiar with. That doesn’t look good for you because when great students like me are failing your exams it means that you are being too hard. Plus I think that you should let us have a note card. That way we can write all four formulas that we learned in this class on it. It’s just too much to ask us to memorize anything for this class. We do have other courses that we are enrolled in. I, myself, am in 3 other classes. So those classes have finals, too. I realize you are still very young and may not understand this like all the other professors do.

Thanks.

Engineering Major Michael


From: CMP

To: Engineering Major Michael

Subject: Re: Grades and Other Stuff

Dear Michael,

I’ve already collected and graded the last major assignment. So really there isn’t anything to discuss about the assignment. You should refer to Section 7.8 in our textbook for information about the topic of the assignment. There are 12 completely annotated examples nearly identical to the assigned problems in the textbook. There are far more examples in the text than I would be able to show you in office hours.

If I were giving out grades I’d give you an F for your lousy attitude and clear inability to attend class, complete assignments on time, or understand a single topic we’ve covered. Fortunately for you the grading scheme isn’t subjective but rather it is based on historical experience. Each assignment you have turned in has been D quality work and your average exam score seems to be a D-. So try as I might unless you fail the final exam you will earn a D in the course.

There isn’t much to be gained by coming to see me this late in the term anyway. It’s just too late to work for an A at this point. I hardly think that you’ll even have enough time to learn the first chapter of material well enough to get those problems correct on next week’s final exam. Please don’t register for my section of this course next term. My experience tells me that you’ll not do well in it even though all the homework assignments will be the same.

Sincerely,

Dr. Crazy Math Professor