Failing Floyd and Captain Subtext

Today another missive showed up in my email inbox. I’m always amazed at the ability of students to carefully shade their absurd requests for favor. It’s an art. They can construct these subtle arguments and requests but they can’t perform simple tasks like Spell Check when they turn in papers.

With the help of my friend, Captain Subtext, let’s examine excerpts from several student emails I’ve had the misfortune of reading in the last few days.

Failing Floyd: I spent a lot of time preparing for the exam.

Captain Subtext Translation: I looked at the review problems you posted, carried my textbook around for days, and thought a lot about the upcoming exam. I tried a couple of the review problems but I really didn’t understand what I was doing. Because of that my studying wasn’t very effective.

FF: I didn’t do as well as I felt I would do.

CS: I left half the exam blank.

FF: I really psyched myself out during the exam.

CS: When I started reading the questions on the exam I realized just how little I know about Basket Weaving. Now I’m scared that I’m going to fail the class.

FF: I thought I did really well when I turned in the last exam and I can’t believe my score was so low.

CS: I know so little about the topics we’ve covered in class that I don’t have any idea that I don’t understand the material.

----or-----

CS: You didn’t grade my paper correctly and I demand that you re-grade it. I know a lot more about this topic and about grading than you do.

FF: This test didn’t adequately test my knowledge of the material.

CS: You didn’t ask any of the three questions I know how to do.

FF: I was wondering if there was anything I could do to help bring up my grade.

CS: I was too busy during the term do any of the homework. But now that it is finals week I have all the time in the world to pop out a few problems if it will convert my F to a B.

FF: I actually forgot to turn in a few assignments and I know that you don't accept late homework but I have them all done if you’d like to see them.

CS: I realized last night that I’m going to fail the class so I did a half assed job on two of the 12 HW assignments that I never did. I’ve padded the bottom of the stack with some random papers since I know you’ll only look at the top one or two assignments. My friends say that professors get fired for failing too many students so I think that you can't hold me to the no late work accepted policy. I know that I'm an above average student so if I'm failing, then half the class is, too. You don't want to get fired do you?