Dr. V.T. Impaler Sends a Note to Students, Past and Present.

How do you bug me? Let me count the ways……

1. By failing to read the syllabus and other documents I provide. I spend a lot of time on these. I write out the assignments and my expectations as clearly as possible in order to help students know exactly what they need to do each week, even if they miss a class. So it annoys the hell out of me when students don’t read them, do poorly because they failed to follow the detailed instructions given in the documents, and then claim that they didn’t know what had to be done because “Dr. Impaler didn’t tell us”. Yes, I did. In class AND IN THE WRITTEN INSTRUCTIONS!
2. By refusing to learn how to use Moodle. I don’t care if none of your other professors use it. It’s actually University policy that we use it. It also makes life much easier for everyone and keeps at least a ton of paper out of the local landfills every semester, so we’re using it. The End
3. By expecting special treatment. What’s that you say? Your schedule is so tight that you can only do homework for this class between 8:30 p.m. and 9:10 p.m. on Mondays and this Monday you had to take your friend to the hospital to get stitches in his hand, so you couldn’t get your online quiz done, so you really, really need me to give you a special makeup quiz because you’ve never, ever gotten a grade lower than a B and it’s not fair because you work so very, very hard, and….. Save your breath, dear, since mean old Dr. Impaler is not going to give you a makeup quiz just because you are overscheduled. She won’t do it even if you are trying to keep your scholarship or if this is your last semester before graduation. You’ve had an entire week to get that quiz done, just like every other busy person in the class. Dr. Impaler would have to drop the concept of due dates altogether if she allowed every student who is inconvenienced by them to have a makeup or an extension. Now, granted, even the über-evil Dr. Impaler is willing to work with students who have truly catastrophic situations arise, but she is not at all interested in listening to you dramatize the everyday complications of your life. Here’s one of the Great Truths of existence: everybody’s got problems and whining doesn’t help. And FYI, you might want to rethink your approach to homework.
4. By not asking questions, then complaining just before the final that you “don’t get” the material. This is why you have weeks and weeks of classes with a professor – so you have someone to ask about the course material. Otherwise, you could just read the book and proceed directly to the final exam, which you would ace of course, since you are, after all, a genius whose natural brilliance and creativity are obviously stifled to the point where the resulting ennui and despair prevent you from participating in class, emailing me, or coming to my office.
5. By not having your papers printed when they’re due. It’s annoying as hell when students come into class insisting that really and truly their research essay is done, they only needed to print it, but couldn’t because [insert computer-related excuse here]. Well, my young grasshoppers, if the essay isn’t printed, guess what? It’s not done. Here’s another one of those Great Truths: if you wait until the last minute before class to print, every computer and printer in the metropolitan area will spontaneously crash. Print it in advance, or submit it as an attachment via email before class begins since you do have that option. You would know about that if you had just READ THE INSTRUCTIONS.
6. By using cell phones, BlackBerries, IPads, etc. in class. Dr. Impaler has a policy against that sort of thing for a reason. Well, she is just plain evil, so make that two reasons. Reason #2: Multitasking is a complete myth. You really DO NOT hear what’s going on in class while you’re texting, Tweeting, or updating your Facebook status. It doesn’t matter that you’re not actually talking out loud, you’re still distracting and distracted. You, or more likely someone else, is paying LOTS of money to attend this University, and even though she’s evil, Dr. Impaler hates to look out at the classroom and see thousands of dollars just being pissed away.
7. By making sotto voce (look it up) comments to your neighbors in class. It’s just plain rude. It’s also annoying as hell. If you have something witty to contribute, say it so that all can hear. It might even make Dr. Impaler revise the opinion of you that she formed after reading your latest research essay.
8. By moaning, groaning, and theatrical sighing. A disturbing number of students apparently believe that if they groan or sigh when I hand out a test I will say “Oh, gee whiz, I’m so very, very sorry. You all knew this test was coming, I announced it several times and it was listed in the syllabus. But since the idea upsets you so much, we’ll just skip it and I’ll give everyone an A.” It will NEVER, EVER happen that way. You just annoy the hell out of me.
9. By plagiarizing and otherwise ruining your papers. I get it, I really do. Most of the students here would rather pull their own teeth than write a research paper or an essay. But it’s really not all that difficult for most sentient beings to research a simple topic, organize the information, and then synthesize it into (mostly) their own words in their native language. SO DON’T JUST COPY AND PASTE A BUNCH OF WIKIPEDIA ARTICLES TOGETHER! I warn about this when assigning the papers and essays. I provide websites where you can learn what a research paper or essay is supposed to be, how to use APA format and how to avoid plagiarism, even though you should have done all this before in your composition classes. But I know that when the first essays are turned in at least three will be directly copied from websites. Sometimes the fonts aren’t even changed and they still contain hyperlinks! Or the voice switches from active to passive in the middle of a paragraph! Ninety percent of the remaining essays will be formatted incorrectly, lack citations, or only have half the number of required pages. This is annoying as hell AND insulting; annoying because I know you know better, and insulting because you must think I’m too stupid to notice these things.
10. By repeatedly asking stupid questions. In spite of what other, lamer professors may have told you, there ARE such things as stupid questions. Here are a few examples: “Is there going to be a quiz?” “When is the final project due?” “I’m going to miss class for two weeks; will we be doing anything important?” The answers to all three may be found in the syllabus, the “Assignments for this week”, or “The final project” documents on Moodle. That last question in particular displays a truly monumental stupidity, especially when it’s directed to the person who will be grading your, for lack of a better word, work.
11. By displaying absolutely no intellectual curiosity or desire to learn ANYTHING. In fact, let’s make this even stronger: By actively RESISTING your own education. Dr. Impaler is SICK TO DEATH of sitting through oral presentations and reading papers and essays that barely rise to the level of a fourth grade report on “Our Friend the Sun”. Giving these half-assed abominations the failing grades they deserve is no consolation, either. She has attempted to make it abundantly clear in the instructions for the assignments, in the classroom, and in her comments on your graded work what college level research is, but she cannot seem to penetrate the mental barriers thrown up by the more determined ignoramuses. She could not care less if this class isn’t in your major; there is absolutely no excuse for such a blatant refusal to use that gray mass between your ears for something other than ballast. It annoys the hell out of her that “students” such as yourselves have made it as far as her class with this attitude and scares the hell out of her that someone may still give you college degrees and positions of responsibility someday.