It came to me today! What we all need.
I've been having some problems lately and my doctor ordered an EMG (Nancy Reagan said it best folks -- Just say "No."). As I sat nervously in the waiting room, Crazy Math Spouse and I chatted light heartedly about grade grubbing emails. Captain Subtext and I will post those gems in a few days.
Right on time the neurologist took us back to her little torture chamber. We talked about my symptoms for a few minutes. She hit me with her little hammer in a bunch of places. She poked me with needles and asked to me rate my pain. Then like every other doctor in the world, she told me to take off my clothes.
She came back a few minutes later and brought in this little cart with a computer screen and what looked like a voltmeter and a card covered in KY Jelly. She then told me to lie back and relax. She taped these electrodes to various parts of my body, then repeated shocked me. I must not have been giving her the right answers because next she started to stab me with these needles all over. Apparently I was still not responding correctly because she then made me flex my muscles while these little needles protruded from them.
I must have eventually uttered the correct expletive because she stopped and passed me. I'll take that C or D.
As I dramatically slinked back to the car, I pondered the experience. What had I learned? What would I do differently next time?
I learned that sometimes it is better to silently suffer. Perhaps ten months isn't long enough to give a chronic condition to settle down or go away. Perhaps I need be more picky about what I complain to my doctor about. It then hit me that I learned a lot today.
If I were a Neurologist I could carry one of these portable torture devices with me. When students come in for a consultation, I could hook them up to my EMG machine. We could talk about whatever their issues are and I could simultaneously shock them. Even if they didn't learn anything during the procedure ... I mean office hour ... they'd at least learn not to bug me with stupid shit.
I hate to be so dense? What is an EMG? Is it drug related? (The Nancy Regan ref.)
ReplyDeleteHope you're feeling better soon.
Feel better, CMP! And I definitely sympathize with the desire to zap the little dears with a cattle prod every once in a while.
ReplyDeleteEMG=electromyogram; a study of muscle electrical function (and dysfunction).
ReplyDeleteSorry, CMP!
Reminded me of my many EEGs... similar, but instead of muscles, it's your brain.
ReplyDeleteThey make you stay up for 24 hours straight before hand to agitate your brainwaves.
Electrodes, six hour tests, measuring brain waves as they hit you with mallets and ask you math questions, memory questions, brain teasers.
Sorry CMP.
That's a waste of an EMG; you want to do it right, get a metal chair, some wire, and a large variable capacitor with a power supply so you can plug it into the wall. Connect the wire to the chair with screws, hide it from view, and run it to the variable capacitor. When the snowflake comes in, set the current to whatever you want within human safety, and zap the little scumfuc. Claim that it is a psychological experiment afterward, and give the future fry cook a candy to buy him/her off.
ReplyDeleteYou are making me confident in the decision I made several years ago not to have one of these. For the condition I have, the specialist told me we could either do the EMG or wait six months to see if I improved. The results would be valid either way. When he explained to me what would happen and how much pain would be involved, I took the six months in a heartbeat.
ReplyDeleteIf only stupidity were as painful as EMGs, perhaps more learning would take place!
Take care! I hope you find a diagnosis so you can address whatever it is that ails you. Shock therapy might just work on freshmen. It's worth a try!!!
ReplyDelete