Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Summer School Smack

So, I just read the entire Katie/Dr. Crazy debacle/kerfuffle/clusterfuck and laughed my ass off, mostly at Katie/Dr. Crazy, yet it got me thinking. What if someone at my institution were to take posts from my personal blog (if I had one) and post them here on CM? Would I use my contacts in IT to find the fucker? Would I let it slide? Or would I go batshit crazy and say that the RYS/CM universe was a part of a conspiracy against me (led, of course, by Strelnikov), the only purpose being to make me look like the shallow, unprofessional, jackmonkey that I am (I mean . . . Katie, yeah, Katie)? While I don’t know the action I would take, I do know that I am currently sitting here listening to an Atreyu song from their album Congregation of the Damned thinking “Shit, only a week before I get to visit my in-laws in Nebraska. Talk about the damned.” Fuck. Oh well, on to the smack.

Absent Anna – OK, let’s see if I have this straight. You were in regular attendance for the first week of an eight-week class, missed the next two weeks, attended two out of four days of the fourth week, missed every class until the last day of the seventh week, and expect me to change the rules that everyone else remaining in the class has followed diligently since day 1. Yes, this is a self-paced class, but there are certain protocols, such as only one exam per class session (what, you thought I’d let you take them at home; look at your syllabus, dipshit), complete homework being required, only being allowed to begin an exam in the first 10 minutes of class, etc. I’d say that I was sorry for not allowing you to take an exam on the last day of last week when you arrived more than halfway through class, without your homework, if I were actually sorry. Damn me. Damn me to hell. Oh, have I mentioned that due to the number of tests you can no longer take since you’re running out of time, you can’t pass this class. Not that you would have passed the next class anyway. The professor of the next class isn’t Katie from Kalamazoo. The professor of the next class has standards.

Jury-Duty Judy – Yes, our college has policies regarding final exams and jury duty. However they require that you give your professor at least four weeks notice. What, you didn’t get your jury duty summons until last week? Bullshit. I have received multiple jury duty summonses since moving here and have never had less than three months notice. Gee, I wonder why the college requires four weeks notice of jury duty for professors. Furthermore, one of my drinking buddies works for the county and has told me that one week’s notice is illegal in our county. Unfortunately for you, your jury duty is irrelevant, since you can’t pass this class, as I told you prior to the drop deadline. I believe the statement, “You are the weakest link. Good bye,” would be appropriate here. Not even our analog of Katie from Kalamazoo would accept this excuse.

Drunk Daniel – I thank you for buying a drink for me and my drinking buddy (I have a lot of drinking buddies) the other night. Yes, it’s a small world. I never would have imagined finding a student hanging out at a bar with amazing happy hour specials on a night where the Street Fair raged outside (drip, drip, sarcasm). Shocking. If you think that as a result you’re going to earn a passing grade, you’re sadly mistaken. Your exam scores prior to your bribe (OK, OK, I mean friendly gesture) were abysmal, to be generous. If I weren’t so generous, I’d say that your scores were lower than the lowest limbo stick, lower than my hand versus the dealer’s, lower than the slime under the scum on the bottom of a pond. Just so you have no case, I’ve deposited the cash value of the purchased drinks with the Dean, having anticipated your move. I mean, who do you think I am, Katie from Kalamazoo?


  1. Man, I don't know how they get it done in Peoria, but here in a more-eastern state, our jury duty notices arrive on a Thursday or a Friday, the one preceeding the Monday one is to report. Three MONTHS notice?! That would make planning a whit easier...

  2. Just to add, when i was called in North Carolina many years ago I had a months notice.

  3. I especially ike the last line of each smack and move that "Katie from Kalamazoo" be added to the Glossary with a link to the Kerfuffle.


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