Dear Student 1: Your first essays were suspiciously eloquent, considering that when you took this same class last fall you could barely string two words together without making a mistake. I know this time you were getting someone else to do your work, but there was not much I could do about it. This didn’t bother me, because I knew it was just a matter of time until that far more eloquent person got sick and tired of doing it. That took about a week, and you are now back to your old standard of cluelessly strangled prose dotted with proofreading and factual errors. You’re going to get another D, Student 1. Or fail outright. Why? Because the Nun’s Priest is not a lady, that’s why.
Dear Students 2 and 3: You’d think that students sharing their work would at least attempt to conceal that fact, by perhaps changing the odd font both papers share to something more ordinary, or not centering the entire text of both essays. You’d think. You’d also think that really stupid students incapable of reading the assignment and responding with any degree of intelligence would keep their work to themselves. But you two are not smart enough to know how stupid you are. Thus: you fail. Why? Because the Canterbury pilgrims did not travel to the island of St. Thomas to escape a drought, that’s why.
Dear Student 4: What part of “do not copy and paste text from Wikipedia and present it as your own work” don’t you understand? The whole part, apparently. Do you think I am some sort of deluded moron? Telling me that you didn’t look at Wikipedia when your text matches the Wikipedia text exactly only makes me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. You’re an idiot and you fail. Why? Because telling me you’ve gotten away with this before and haven’t been failed as of yet doesn’t really help your case, dumbass, that’s why.
Dear Student 5: I can feel you straining to convince me you are a good student, whose grades in my class are somehow aberrational. You’re doing this by writing me every day and expressing concern about said grades, which are in the low C, high D range (and that was only because I was feeling charitable). Well, Student 5, I have speshul powerz, which include being able to access your entire transcript within about thirty seconds. Guess what? Your GPA is a 1.92. No surprise, as you have completely ignored my suggestion to turn your drafts in early so that I can comment upon them. This would be too difficult for you, obviously. It seems as if merely using spell-check is too difficult for you. Instead, you complain about your grade after the fact, in a tone that indicates you are under the assumption that you are Mary Poppins, “practically perfect in every way,” which I somehow lack the vision to perceive. Now, you state emphatically, “it’s time to set up a meeting.” You are going to get a D anyway, Ms. Poppins. Why? Because attempting to look concerned about your grade, and demanding an in-person meeting, is no substitute for actually following the teacher’s suggestions, and doing the difficult work of trying to improve. That’s why.
Dear Student 6: I don’t care how many hours you’re working. In fact, if I actively tried to care less, I doubt I could achieve it. Do you care how many hours I’m working, having to respond to daily emails complaining about how many hours you’re working? Work your ass off Student 6. You still fail. Why? Because I don’t give a shit how much you’re working, that’s why.