Me: I need to make an appointment for a psychiatric intake.
Operator: Okay, your appointment will be with Ms. Adelante on Monday. Do you have anything in particular that we should forward to her?
Me: Only that I'm going crazy.
***
That Monday during intake,
Adelante: Okay EMH, listen carefully to these questions that I'm going to ask. They are going to sound weird but just be patient with them.
Me: Okay.
Adelante: Do you hear voices?
Me: Yes, but I turn around and it's the Dean.
Adelante: What's the difference between an apple and an orange?
Me: Well, um, hmm,... I guess one has a thin skin and the other one has thick skin.
Adelante: And?...
Me: Oh, one has sort of a wrinkly skin.
Adelante: And?...
Me: Oh God, I don't know!
Adelante: C'mon EMH. Think obvious!
Me: <blank>
Adelante: One's red and...
Me: The other's orange!
Adelante: Okay. That's over with. So, you are here to get help with an anxiety problem and a possibility of Asperger's Syndrome. <Typing on computer.> Let's get you an appointment with our on-site physician for a further psych eval. If you need further medication, he would be the one to arrange that.
Me: Just as long as I don't have to go to the Methadone Clinic.
Adelante: Just out of curiosity, why on earth did you go into teaching if it agravates your anxiety so much?
Me: When you were a student, did you ever see any reason for your instructors to be anxious?
Adelante: Well, no.
Me: So, what do you think my perception was when I was in school?
Adelante: Good point. Have you ever seen a career counselor? I mean it's such a waste of talent for an intelligent person like you to be in a situation like this. We have great career counseling staff. You should talk to Kivvi, one of our career counselors. You know, since you lost your job, there's a way for the state to pay for you to go back to school. You can get a free ride. Kivvi knows all about that.
Me: That sounds awesome. I've always been interested in computer science. Our society seems to be headed in the direction of computers, especially with so many handy things online. Will you make me an appointment with Kivvi?
The meeting with Kivvi
Some seats are meant to be warmed.
Me: Well, Ms. Adelante referred me to you about career counseling. <Begin extensive rehash of what I told Ms. Adelante, especially describing my interest in computer science and my desire to go back to school.>
 |
| Introducing Kivvi! |
Kivvi: Hmm... You already have a Master's Degree, in Mathematics for that matter! Because of that, there are no programs that would fund your going back to school.
Kivvi: Our clientele typically need help with Taco Bell applications. We'll look at resumes, but usually they are only for jobs like a McDonald's Manager. But, we are not really equipped to help actual professionals.
Kivvi: <Pulling out phone-book> You need to talk to the Career Counselor at the college.
Me: Ms. Adelante sent me to YOU.
Kivvi: Well, Ms. Adelante has alot of faith in us.
Me: Well, isn't she the director here?
<Cue Captain Sub-Text>
Captain Sub-Text: <materializing> Perhaps I can help. You see EMH, what she's trying to say is that she wants to take an early lunch and bill the state for your session at the same time.
Later that week at Group:
<Everyone setting in a circle. SFNH worker named Pata walks in>
Group leader: Everyone, this is Pata from our career counseling service.
<So, Pata introduces herself to the group.>
Pata: Bla bla bla. We can help all kinds of people find a different career.
Me: <raising hand> That's not what the other lady said. I was told, among other things, that you guys only help with Taco Bell applications.
Pata: No no no. We help people find careers. It sounds like you were mis-informed. Schedule an appointment with me and we'll get this taken care of.
Me: I have a Master's Degree. Will that be a stumbling block in helping me?
Pata: Absolutely not!
The meeting with Pata
 |
| It's Pata and she's thirsty! |
How many martinis did I have for lunch? Let me count them...
Pata: Hi EMH. Before we begin, let me just fill out this paperwork. Got your name, address, ooh the town. You say you live in Wolf 359 huh? How do you spell that?
Me: w-o-l-f-3-5-9
Pata: <writing "w-b-r-o-f-l-3-t-u-r-l-5-c-9> That's always a hard one for me to spell!
Me: <thinking: My God, is this woman drunk? This should be interesting...>
Pata: So, I know you addressed some concerns at group. Tell me about your situation. Why are you interested in career counseling?
<Cue me describing my situation of the umpteenth time in a row, and how I like computers, writing, artwork>
Pata: Do you have an interest in embezzlement?
Me: Huh?! I have an interest in catching embezzlers.
Pata: Well you could consider a career with the FBI.
Me: That sounds like an interesting possibility. I would probably enjoy it.
Pata: Yeah, and you can be the one to fix our financial crisis!
Pata: Yeah, and you can be the one to fix our financial crisis!
Me: <Puzzled>
Pata: By the way, the background check takes 5 years to complete.
Me: Then, can you not put things on the table that take years to get taken care of? I need a job now, not five years from now.
Pata: You can be the one to fix our financial crisis...
Pata: You can be the one to fix our financial crisis...
Pata: By "now" do you meen today or next week ...?
Me: <thinking: Oh good grief!>
Pata: Hmm. Interesting. So what actually brings you to SFNH to begin with?
<Cue me describing anxiety issues and mentioning my upcoming psych eval>
Pata: Well, before we get this underway, I'd like to see the results of your psych eval first.
Me: Can't we just get into the counseling part without having to wait for the psych eval?
Pata: No.
Me: Then can we pretend I didn't say anything about a psych eval?
Pata: No.
Pata: So, why don't you schedule another appointment and in the mean time, I want you to think about what you will be doing when you grow up.
Me: But I just told you!
Pata: We just want to place you in the right career, that's all.
Me: I understand. No, wait, I don't!
<Cue Captain Subtext>
Captain Subtext: <materializing> EMH, perhaps I could be of assistance. You see, she gets paid by the session so she wants to milk the system. Not only that, but she had alot to drink at lunch and needs to go home and lie down.
Front Desk: EMH, would you like to schedule another appointment with Pata?
Me: No.
Front Desk: Aww. Why not?
Me: I have nothing else to say.
Note: A special thank-you to Merely Academic for giving me the best advice of all the people that I have spoken to, and he didn't charge the state a penny! I have a few possible online gigs to look at and will be putting my resume together over the next few days.
That was Academic Monkey, but I'm glad it made sense to you; hope it works out.
ReplyDeleteRe: Pata - makes sense that she would want to see the psych eval first, because she is a career counsellor, not a job counselor, and wants to direct you towards a long-term position, not just a job you can step into on Monday. She doesnt want to point you to a career in, oh, HR, if your psych eval says "raging introvert". Go back and talk to her after she's seen it. She can likely give you some useful long-term advice.
You're not going to be able to solve the debt crisis though. Only a reversal of the wealth suck away from the working and middle class into the hands of the obscenely wealthy over the last 30 years will do that, and that will not happen, because your political system is irretrievably broken, and those in power really do not care about you or your country, or about anything except looting what's left of the body politic of its remaining assets. The U.S. is done. Sorry.
What you experienced wasn't career counseling. It was social services disguised as career counseling. If it was "counseling," it was poorly trained. The first clue was "What can we do for you today?" not "How can we help you (help yourself)?" (For more about who social services benefits read "Travels With Lizbeth" by Lars Eighner.)
ReplyDeleteLove the subtle Star Trek: TNG reference in there (Wolf359, the interstellar location of a decisive battle with the Borg). That said, if you have a degree in Mathematics, another degree in Computer Science might be redundant. Computer Science is, at least partly, a branch of Mathematics (or at least it was considered so in the past; now most CS programs are less focused on pen-and-paper theory and more on using software and other computer-lab subjects). I expect all the mathematicians and CS proffies to disagree, but that's just my $0.02. I hope these counsellors advise you more on vocations with plenty of opportunities and less on "follow your dreams [even if they lead straight to poverty]." Good luck with the "counseling."
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-VrfadKbco
ReplyDelete@ Merely Academic
ReplyDelete...And this is why the Revolution is coming. Everybody knows the social-economic system is becoming more of a burden, that there are too many billionares, that the businesses pay nothing in tax. Turning America into a banana republic for a couple thousand people was never tenable in the first place, and people see that...now we have to lead thought into action.
Aargh. You're certainly doing all you can to explore alternatives, but it doesn't sound like the system is serving you very well. I agree with Merely that Pata (or somebody in the same position) *might* be worth a second try once the evaluation is in -- and maybe before lunch, if there's evidence that hers tend to be liquid (of course, it's possible that she was having a bad day of some sort, or was taking prescription meds that had more of an effect than she anticipated, or something along those lines. And, of course, it's also quite possible that she's just phoning it in, and is, indeed, useless. But it might be worth one more try, in the name of playing along with the system and seeing what happens).
ReplyDeleteApropos of what Patty wrote, I wonder whether a temp or outplacement agency that specializes in computer/IT personnel could help you identify whether you really need a full second degree, or whether some additional, more practical classes to supplement your mathematics MA would do the trick? Of course, you'd need to find funding for even a few classes (and it might actually be harder to find funding for a few classes than for a degree), but it would be good to know what people who actually do the hiring really want (which is sometimes frighteningly different from what "career counselors" -- some of whom are great and some of whom are horrible -- think they want). And rumor has it that those who hire techies are pretty familiar with, and unfazed by, Aspergers-type behaviors, as long as the prospective employee can do the job.
P.S. I'm glad you're exploring the online gigs. They're not exactly interaction-free (and many, like most adjunct work, don't pay very well), but they do give you a chance to take a break from interaction when you need it -- and that might turn out to be the main thing you need, though it still sounds like you could find a better-paid career track that's also a better fit.
ReplyDelete