EMH and the Psychiatrist (A Reverse Thirsty)

Three and a half years ago:

Doctor:  Well EMH, it would seem that you struggle with a variety of mood disorders and other mental health problems.  Autism comes to mind as well, but I would need the opinion of a psychiatric expert.  I need for you to go get a really good psychiatric work-up and evaluation.  Here's a piece of paper with some phone-numbers to call.

<Cue EMH's uncanny ability to foretell stupidity.>

Me:  They are not going to know what I'm talking about.

Doctor:  <blank look> Sure they will.

Me:  No they won't.  They are going to give me the same blank look you just had.  I have a feeling that they are going to want more precise medical terminology, or atleast that is going to be the cause of the disunderstanding.

Doctor:  <laughing, shaking head> Just call them.

Well guess what!  Half of the numbers were disconnected.  The other people on the list had no fracking clue what a psych-eval was.  I walked into one institution because it was walking distance from where I lived. They wanted to admit me for 48 hours because they thought that me needing a psych-eval was my way of saying that I was going to kill myself.  They stood down when I threatened to lawyer-up.

The following month:

Doctor:  So, how did the search for a psych-eval go?

Me:  Horrible.  <Cue me describing experiences.>

Doctor:  <shaking head, laughing>  How do you expect me to help you if you don't cooperate?

Me:  <thinking:  fuck you!>

Doctor:  Tell you what.  Would it be easier if Skyler, the assistant, contacted these people for you?  Why don't I have Skyler do that.

Me:  Okay, perhaps he will have better luck.

Two weeks later:

Skyler:  This message is for EMH.  Yeah, that sheet with the phone numbers looks like a really good set of numbers to call so I think it's just best if you went ahead and called them instead of having us do it.

Dean: This message is for EMH.  Bad news! I had to take one of your classes because it's not going to make enrollment.

Me:  <thinking:  There goes my heath insurance!>
 

Yesterday at the SFNH (State-Funded Nut House):

Psychiatrist:  Hi EMH.  It's nice to meet you. My name is Dr Gene Therapy and I will be giving you the psych-eval today.

20 minutes into eval:

Me:  Are we going to cover Autism?

Gene:  Do you have autism?

Me:  I don't know.  That's what I want to find out.

Me:  Generally, what kinds of things will this evaluation reveal?

Gene:  The purpose of this eval is to determine appropriate medication for your depression and anxiety.  For determining other specific problems like Autism, you must schedule an appointment with a Psychologist, not a Psychiatrist.

Me:  <anticipating another disunderstanding> Do Psychologists even work here?

Gene:  Sure they do!

Me:  What is the exact name of the medical procedure that the Psychologist would be doing to me?  I just want the ladies at the front desk to know what I am talking about when I schedule an appointment for it.

Gene:  Psychological Assessment

The evaluation ends, EMH approaches front-desk.  Gene had also mentioned that he wanted EMH to attend continual therapy.

Me:  I have a couple of appointments to schedule.  The first one is for a psychological assessment...

Desk:  You just had that done...

Me:  No, I had a psychiatric evaluation.  A psychological assessment is done by a psychologist.  Gene is a psychiatrist.

Desk:  Amy handles that.  She'll be here in a few minutes to talk to you.

Me:   I also need to arrange therapy sessions.

Desk:  Why?

Me:  Because that's what Gene wants.

Desk:  Ms Adelante, the social worker, is your clinician.  You see her on the 18th.

Me:   And she's great too.  But, I need to see someone atleast once a week.

Desk:  <Begins reading off EMH's scheduled appointments to him.>

Me:  Any time will do.  I'm not working right now so...

Desk:  No...  I'm just saying that Ms Adelante is your clinician.

Me:   Then why were you reading my appointments to me?

Me:  I don't understand what you are trying to tell me.  Are you saying that I need to speak to Ms Adelante in order to schedule regular therapy?

Desk:  No.

Me:   Is Ms Adalente the only person here who provides therapy?

Desk:  Ms Adalente is not available right now.  You have to understand that she gets very busy and can't always just see people without an appointment.

Me:  <getting pissed>  That's not what I'm asking!

Desk:  Amy's the one to make those appointments.
 
Me:  <thinking:  Well, if it's not your job then why the fuck are you arguing with me?>
 
<Cue Amy>

Amy:  Hi EMH!  Come on back.

Me:  <sitting down in Amy's cubicle>  Gene would like me to schedule a psychological assessment...

Amy:  That's what you did today.

Me:  No, today was a psychiatric evaluation which is actually different from a psychological assessment.  Gene is a psychiatrist.  A psychological assessment is administered by a psychologist.

Me:   So, I need to schedule an appointment with a psychologist for a psychological assessment.

Amy:  Okay! <tapping on keyboard>  When would you like to see him?

Me:  <anticipating yet another disunderstanding> Who?

Amy:  Gene, the psychiatrist for a psychiatriac evaluation.

Me:  <in tears> WHY THE FUCK IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND ANY OF MY QUESTIONS, OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT I SAY FOR THAT MATTER?  WHAT IS THE FUCKING PROBLEM?  IS IT... MY HAIR???  DO I NEED TO UP MY MEDS??? WILL THAT DO THE TRICK??? OR SHOULD I HAVE SOME RELIGIOUS BIGOT PRAY OVER ME TO CAST AWAY THOSE EVIL SPIRITS THAT ARE CAUSING YOU GUYS TO BE SO CONFUSED!!!

Amy:  I have no problem understanding you EMH.  I think you are very clear in what you are asking.  To answer your earlier question, no Ms Adelante is not the only therapist who works here.  We have lots of therapists and I am getting ready to schedule you with one.

Me:  What about the psychological assessment???  How can you say that you are listening to me if you were going to schedule me with the wrong person, even after explaining the difference between a Psychiatrist and a Psychologist...

Amy:  <blank look with a "fuck you" expression>

Amy:   Well, I have your paperwork here from Gene and he didn't mention anything about a psychological assessment, so I'll have to talk to him first.

Me:  <praying:  Dear God, please don't let her call it a psychiatric eval when she talks to Gene because Gene will get confused and I'll be screwed..>

This is a reverse thirsty because I have no questions for the blog, but I do have some answers.  Alas, my heart is in the 24th century.

A:  This is what becomes of our snowflakes after they graduate.

A:  If our government needs to make cuts, I can think of a few places.