Face Reading

I hate the advertizing the publishers bind right in at the front of textbooks.  I especially hate it when it involves random year-booky-looking portraits of studenty-looking faces.  I don't like looking at my own students most of the time, let alone students a publisher is sending at me.  They are always an unsettling hybrid of everything flaking and draining about students and everything smug and self serving that would appeal to publishers, because publishers forget they want to be appealing to us and not themselves.

When I look at the front page of my lab manual I hear what they would say if the bodies that went with these faces were in my class.  I hear, in order from top to bottom:

"Hi, professor.  I just wanted to introduce myself and let you know that there are some days I won't be able to come to class.  The first is [some day in September] when I have to [do something that sounds Sorority related, but is dressed as a community service project].  Then [later in September] I have to [some Church thing] and then [some day after Thanksgiving] my sister [who is probably in her sorority and not an actual relative] is getting married and I have to alphabetize the response cards [and for some reason this will take all day from 8:30 to 10:10 AM on the day of class]."

"I already took this at my other college [where I flunked out and that's why I'm here, but let's not talk about that, just remember that I said the name of the very impressive school that kicked me out] so it's ok if I just come and take the tests, right? Because this class conflicts with crew. [And by conflict, I mean it meets 2 hours later, but that's when I go back to sleep.  It's just chemistry, it's not like it's sports.]"

"I don't think it's fair that we have to work with a partner.  Because my partner is not as smart as me and I don't think it's fair that I should have to work with her.  I have to get into medical school and I think we shouldn't have to work with lab partners because I have to get into medical school."

"Yeah, my lab partner was just here.  Don't worry about him.  Here's our work. [I did it all and put his name on it because I need to get into medical school and he's not as smart as I am.  I don't think it's fair that we have to work with a partner, but I don't have time to argue with you about it, I have 400 flash cards to memorize before my next self inflicted practice MCAT, so I'll just make sure his stupidity never affects my grade.]"

"This is so dumb.  Why can't we just look this stuff up? [and get out of here.  I can't remember if the fridge door clicked when I shut it and my jello-shots might not be gelling.]"

"[I don't speak out loud.  I just grin at my female professors like this because I think I know what women want.]"