The Fall 2011 Welcoming Big Thirsty: What, Oh Dear God, What Am I Going to Do This Semester to Make This Horrible Fucking Job Mean Something, Not Just to Me, But To Those Horrible Flakes In My Way?
Q: What are you going to do this semester to make this classroom life bearable? (Bonus points in heaven for creativity, angst, and/or ennui.)
I will shortly be purchasing my very own mini cell phone signal scrambler. It is small enough to carry in my pocket (but I don't think I'll actually do that - who knows what the effects could be from having it in my pocket for 3 hours at a time, multiple times per week). Instead, I'll put it with my teaching binder, hidden from snowflake view and gleefully turn it on.
Yes, they are technically illegal. I know. The "mini" one that I found has a very short range though, so I feel okay. I always ask if I have any students who are emergency responders (EMTs, etc.) at the beginning of the semester, so I know if anyone needs to leave suddenly. I've never had such a student. So, assuming no responders again this year, my classrooms will be like those strange random dead zones with no cell phone reception.
Down with the constant texting and mindless surfing. If the snowflake doesn't want to engage in the class, he or she can sit there and be bored.
FINALLY, somebody took one om insane ideas and ran with it!
You jam the hell out of those little pishers....see if they sell joke ones with a random "on-off" capacity, so their wireless world hopelessly blinks on and off....
I'm going to act as if I'm in charge, seriously. I go through spells where I feel hamstrung by the rules of the college, the oppressive heat and light show that suggests I'm just a cog.
I'm going to act as if what I have to teach actually matters.
@Dr Watson: Wow. Great idea, although I would not have the balls for it. I worry about all their little snowflake stories of being so very important that they absolutely have to be on call every minute of every day.
When you use a cell-phone blocker, it's best to have it in the classroom and turned on before the students arrive. If you carry it in your pocket and turn it on when you arrive, the students can get suspicious. When there is always bad reception, they tend to blame it on the location. Of course, this is all just speculation because I'm not admitting to doing anything illegal.
But, also, I'm just not going to let THEM bother me. When they act like children, I'll expect them to act like adults. When they blow smoke up my ass, I'll just "ahem" and keep going.
I'll always carry an extra syllabus or two, so when they ask their stupid fucking idiotic questions, I can say, "Wait, you must not have gotten the syllabus. Here's one for you. All of your questions are answered therein, and forgive me for not giving you one on the first day of the class LIKE I DID EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM!"
I am tired of being duped by snowflakes each and every year. I start out with courage and end up a quivering mess. I hear their well practiced and deceitful stories and I think, "Maybe this one's telling the truth."
I think I've been letting them off easy for too long, and I know it's unfair to the few students who play by the rules.
I will smile more broadly when the snowflakes write, "Why dont you hypocrites go and fuck yourselves!!!!"
And I will politely remind them that they won't get respectable, well-paying jobs if they repeatedly fail to use appropriate punctuation in their angry application letters.... "Because," I'll emphasize, "when writing angry statements, it is important to use correct punctuation, spelling, and grammar. You want your intended victim to understand you. If the target misunderstands you, then you might have to repeat yourself (which can become quite tiresome)...."
And then their eyes will get bigger, and their purple hair will dangle and wave back and forth a bit between their eyes and my eyes, and they'll scream, "Why dont you hypocrites go and fuck yourselves!!!!"
Puzzled, I will again suggest that they use correct punctuation, but I will express admiration for their enthusiasm.
At that point, I'll be able to hear their teeth grinding, and I'll hear what sounds like urine dripping from the chair they're sitting on. And with a glowing red face, they'll shout, "Why dont you hypocrites go and fuck yourselves!!!!
I'll cock my head to one side as I hear this question-punctuated-as-a-furious-statement. I'll take a sip of the strange Pepsi-and-vodka brew in my dorky teacher-ish fluorescent plastic cup. I'll mumble sotto voce, just barely loudly enough for the students in the first few rows to hear, "Hmmmmm... fuck myself?... why don't I?... could I?... should I?... the dean wouldn't have to know.... it would be just my little hypocritical secret... just me and my hypocritical self back in my office with the lights off and the door locked...."
Streamlining the syllabus to reduce my grading load. I was assigning way more than the minimum. There's still more than the minimum (3 tests or papers plus a final), but not much. The Little Dears will have to step up to test their own understanding before exams, though as always, they can visit me for feedback.
I'm also looking for relevant music for the topic of each class meeting. If I can get in the habit of playing a song five minutes before class, maybe the Little Dears will get in the habit of sitting down and being quiet before class starts. Pipedream?
And yes, I definitely plan to be there before the students arrive to set up my little handy device. I'm not telling them I have it of course. It will just be one of those mysteries of life, unsolvable to them. And if they ask about it, I'll just say that I hadn't noticed since I don't have my cell phone with me (which is a completely true statement).
Work a little bit on my own writing and research, first thing in the morning, several times a week. I could argue, with justice, that it provides me with examples of the researching/writing life to cite in class, but mostly it just puts me in a better mood.
I also heartily endorse Eskarina's streamlining approach (which, among other things, allows instructors with heavy loads to get graded work back more quickly), but, with several new initiatives coming down the pike, I am, at least for the moment, adding rather than subtracting assignments. I'm not going to think about whether that will doom my first resolution, above -- at least not right now.
I will shortly be purchasing my very own mini cell phone signal scrambler. It is small enough to carry in my pocket (but I don't think I'll actually do that - who knows what the effects could be from having it in my pocket for 3 hours at a time, multiple times per week). Instead, I'll put it with my teaching binder, hidden from snowflake view and gleefully turn it on.
ReplyDeleteYes, they are technically illegal. I know. The "mini" one that I found has a very short range though, so I feel okay. I always ask if I have any students who are emergency responders (EMTs, etc.) at the beginning of the semester, so I know if anyone needs to leave suddenly. I've never had such a student. So, assuming no responders again this year, my classrooms will be like those strange random dead zones with no cell phone reception.
Down with the constant texting and mindless surfing. If the snowflake doesn't want to engage in the class, he or she can sit there and be bored.
FINALLY, somebody took one om insane ideas and ran with it!
ReplyDeleteYou jam the hell out of those little pishers....see if they sell joke ones with a random "on-off" capacity, so their wireless world hopelessly blinks on and off....
I take my hat off to you.
I'm going to act as if I'm in charge, seriously. I go through spells where I feel hamstrung by the rules of the college, the oppressive heat and light show that suggests I'm just a cog.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to act as if what I have to teach actually matters.
@Dr Watson: Wow. Great idea, although I would not have the balls for it. I worry about all their little snowflake stories of being so very important that they absolutely have to be on call every minute of every day.
ReplyDeleteBourbon at home.
ReplyDeleteVodka on campus.
There is no need for me to find meaning in my job. According to my students, I'm already mean enough.
ReplyDeleteBravo, Beaker! I resemble that remark.
ReplyDeleteWhen you use a cell-phone blocker, it's best to have it in the classroom and turned on before the students arrive. If you carry it in your pocket and turn it on when you arrive, the students can get suspicious. When there is always bad reception, they tend to blame it on the location. Of course, this is all just speculation because I'm not admitting to doing anything illegal.
ReplyDeleteWhat Will said, most def.
ReplyDeleteBut, also, I'm just not going to let THEM bother me. When they act like children, I'll expect them to act like adults. When they blow smoke up my ass, I'll just "ahem" and keep going.
I'll always carry an extra syllabus or two, so when they ask their stupid fucking idiotic questions, I can say, "Wait, you must not have gotten the syllabus. Here's one for you. All of your questions are answered therein, and forgive me for not giving you one on the first day of the class LIKE I DID EVERYONE ELSE IN THE ROOM!"
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteI am tired of being duped by snowflakes each and every year. I start out with courage and end up a quivering mess. I hear their well practiced and deceitful stories and I think, "Maybe this one's telling the truth."
ReplyDeleteI think I've been letting them off easy for too long, and I know it's unfair to the few students who play by the rules.
This year I'm going to be stronger!
I will smile more broadly when the snowflakes write, "Why dont you hypocrites go and fuck yourselves!!!!"
ReplyDeleteAnd I will politely remind them that they won't get respectable, well-paying jobs if they repeatedly fail to use appropriate punctuation in their angry application letters.... "Because," I'll emphasize, "when writing angry statements, it is important to use correct punctuation, spelling, and grammar. You want your intended victim to understand you. If the target misunderstands you, then you might have to repeat yourself (which can become quite tiresome)...."
And then their eyes will get bigger, and their purple hair will dangle and wave back and forth a bit between their eyes and my eyes, and they'll scream, "Why dont you hypocrites go and fuck yourselves!!!!"
Puzzled, I will again suggest that they use correct punctuation, but I will express admiration for their enthusiasm.
At that point, I'll be able to hear their teeth grinding, and I'll hear what sounds like urine dripping from the chair they're sitting on. And with a glowing red face, they'll shout, "Why dont you hypocrites go and fuck yourselves!!!!
I'll cock my head to one side as I hear this question-punctuated-as-a-furious-statement. I'll take a sip of the strange Pepsi-and-vodka brew in my dorky teacher-ish fluorescent plastic cup. I'll mumble sotto voce, just barely loudly enough for the students in the first few rows to hear, "Hmmmmm... fuck myself?... why don't I?... could I?... should I?... the dean wouldn't have to know.... it would be just my little hypocritical secret... just me and my hypocritical self back in my office with the lights off and the door locked...."
I'll do what I always do:
ReplyDeleteDo my best work.
Remind myself constantly that many of the snowflakes don't know any better (seriously).
Remind myself constantly that the snowflakes who don't know any better are still responsible for their own educations.
Thank heavens that I have finally arrived at a place where I earn a full-time living with decent benefits.
Leave the job at the office as much as possible.
Scratch and sniff grading
ReplyDeleteStop holding in my farts during lecture.
ReplyDeleteStreamlining the syllabus to reduce my grading load. I was assigning way more than the minimum. There's still more than the minimum (3 tests or papers plus a final), but not much. The Little Dears will have to step up to test their own understanding before exams, though as always, they can visit me for feedback.
ReplyDeleteI'm also looking for relevant music for the topic of each class meeting. If I can get in the habit of playing a song five minutes before class, maybe the Little Dears will get in the habit of sitting down and being quiet before class starts. Pipedream?
@Lex - perfect!
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, I definitely plan to be there before the students arrive to set up my little handy device. I'm not telling them I have it of course. It will just be one of those mysteries of life, unsolvable to them. And if they ask about it, I'll just say that I hadn't noticed since I don't have my cell phone with me (which is a completely true statement).
Work a little bit on my own writing and research, first thing in the morning, several times a week. I could argue, with justice, that it provides me with examples of the researching/writing life to cite in class, but mostly it just puts me in a better mood.
ReplyDeleteI also heartily endorse Eskarina's streamlining approach (which, among other things, allows instructors with heavy loads to get graded work back more quickly), but, with several new initiatives coming down the pike, I am, at least for the moment, adding rather than subtracting assignments. I'm not going to think about whether that will doom my first resolution, above -- at least not right now.