I've met some real doosies while serving time in academia.1) Bible-thumping alpha-hole colleague. Dude, like, chill-out man. I know that you have this thing about dominating people who seem weaker than you, but you seriously need to get out of my face. I enjoyed Bible study with you, that is until it got creepy. You seem to think that EMH is to be seen and not heard, especially on days that I'm helping out at church. Oh, what's that? I'm infringing on your territory when I help? You're the one who yelled at me for not helping! And not only that, but why is it okay for you to insult and be rude to your students, but you come down on me like a ton of bricks because I couldn't help one of your students with Linear Programming? I'll answer that for you. YOU ARE A FUCKING HYPOCRITE!
2) Ms One-Hit Lawyer. There's bad advice, and then there's "dayum that's bad advice"! You've got to be kidding me! You're going to try to tell me that it's legal to gather up my roomates belongings and take them to a pawn-shop as a means to pay his share of the rent? You actually think that's legal?! I have news for you. In criminal law, that is called theft. In cival law, that is called conversion. The law is broken on both ends. If one could compare it to sex, well... nevermind, I won't.
What's that? You've been to law-school? Did you graduate? Oh, only one semester? It sounds like you flunked out.
3) Crack-head Burger King Manager. Just because the shake mix is pasteurized, doesn't mean that it's okay to contaminate it. Enough said. You deserved to be closed down by the health department.
And finally today...
4) Dr Vinegar. Thanks for your unsolicited advice while in line at the Dollar Store. However, I will not drink 2 tsp of vinegar to treat my heartburn. That's fucking crazy! What's that? You're going to try and tell me that vinegar is a neutralizer because it can clean the kitchen linoleum and therefore it will get rid of my heartburn too? You've obviously been spending too much time in the alley behind the methadone clinic. Thanks, but I will be sticking with antacids.
So, Wombat, don't ever feel alone.
P.S. An alpha-hole is an alpha male who is also an asshole.
I love the term "alpha-hole" and am going to start using it wherever it will cause the most offence. Thank you, EMH, for my Vocabulary Builder Of The Day!
ReplyDeleteMr. alpha-hole doesn't seem to be doing a very good job of being a member of the body of Christ. I'm sorry. I hope the rest of the members of your church are more supportive. If not, maybe it's time to find a new church.
ReplyDeleteAnd yeah, I wouldn't follow either Ms. "Lawyer"'s or "Dr" Vinegar's advice (last I heard, it was baking soda you can use as a cheap antacid, and my box of the stuff confirms the possibility, with some caveats about sodium intake and consulting a doctor for persistent problems) -- or eat at BKM's establishment (which sounds like it might lead to your needing something more serious than an antacid).
In high school, we used to drink vinegar as a weight-loss aid. And we balanced it with beer as a social-life aid. They kinda canceled each other out.
ReplyDelete"I enjoyed Bible study with you, that is until it got creepy."
ReplyDeleteI want the goods on this. What was creepy? Did A-hole just have a strange theology? Did he take it too seriously? Or was it the choice of story - cursing fig trees and casting demons into swine? Earthquakes and zombies? Or too much Song of Solomon, hinting, perhaps, a bit too much at possible ways to finish out the evening of "study"? 2:3? 5:16? 7:1?
Sometimes I wish CM had a "like" button. I'd "like" all these comments and then might feel close to adequate in my response.
ReplyDeleteI heart the punny title! Why is there always (always!) an alpha hole?!!
ReplyDelete@ Adjunct Slave
ReplyDeleteI gave a Bible and some food to a homeless woman and then sat with her for an hour and talked (gasp). Alpha-hole found out and hit the roof, citing that it was inappropriate and sinful to do that since I am male and she is female. I tried bringing up the story of Jesus and the woman at the well, but he said that I was misunderstanding the story. At this point, he was barking at me and I asked him to stop. He replied by telling me that he could speak however which way he wanted. At this point, I brought up to him the fact that he treats me like a little brother and that he seems to have issues with domination. His reply? Sometimes you just gotta submit to people.