Misery...that is what I feel as I type this. A student I worked with was struck by a car and has now died several months later. He was bright, hard-working, athletic, and good-looking. In other words, he appeared to have a bright future.
I want to cry. I want to rail at the injustice of it all. I can't give his name here for anonymity reasons, but just wanted to take a moment to memorialize him in some small way.
Has anyone else had this happen? If so, how did you get past the misery?
I'm so sorry. We lost one of ours a few years ago, the same way.
ReplyDeleteIt's so very sad when something like that happens to someone so young.
ReplyDeleteI don't know that you ever get past it; you just get through it, and parts of it are always with you. Several years ago, one of our students went missing after going out alone on a hiking trip. The park rangers found his body two weeks later. Our department started a scholarship in his memory. You may not have the resources to do that, but if you could do some act of kindness as a testament to the person he was and what he could have become, that's a small way to bring a bit of goodness out of a terrible tragedy. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
ReplyDeleteI've had at least two former students die. One drowned, if I recall correctly, at a local lake; the other died of causes unspecified in his obituary. Both of them were nice fellows, and I rather liked them both. There wasn't much that I could do in either case than sign the funeral home's online guestbook.
ReplyDeleteThis type of heartache goes way beyond the sometimes serious, sometimes petty griping that makes this page worth reading. I've had a heart attack, suicide and a complete disappearance of students who I liked, mentored and taught. The pain almost but never quite leaves. You do move beyond it but you keep a special place for them in your memories.
ReplyDeleteThat is very sad. I have had students die (some unexpectedly, and one slowly and in front of our eyes with anorexia). It's particularly hard to go to class without the students there, but grieving together with the class and your colleagues helps. And then time goes by and we feel sad, but it's not as overwhelming, except when considering the class they would have graduated with, or other such occasions. I am so sorry for the sadness that accompanies such a loss!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear about your pain. Life is just cruel sometimes.
ReplyDeleteThe anorexia thing is very hard, and I have had a student with this terrible disease. She did not die, but she was vanishing before our eyes. Her appearance was literally breathtaking---we'd gasp when we saw her in shock at how devastated her body looked. Her mom called me to talk about her finishing the class online as she could no longer make it into class, and we cried together. She was apparently too thin to be accepted into an outpatient program. How is that possible? I did not hear of her death, but I think of her many days.
ReplyDeleteMid Career Mike on Endings.
ReplyDeleteWrite the student's family a note. It means the world to parents to know their child touched other lives and in that way lives on. When someone dies, there is nothing new about them to discover from them themselves, so what other people bring is crucial.
ReplyDeleteWhen my mom died, I realized how much the notes mattered and I vowed never to not write one for fear of being awkward.
I concur with Frog & Toad's suggestion. I've been on both sides of this situation. My sister was killed in a car accident when we were teenagers. Her teachers (who had also been my teachers) sent us cards and notes, and most them came to the funeral. It really meant a lot to my parents and me.
ReplyDeleteI have lost two students to car accidents, both of whom I was close to, as well as several other students to other causes. I always send a card with a handwritten note, and I also try to attend the wake, if it is within driving distance. I know what it means to the family, and it is worth the effort.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I had a student die last semester, and felt all the more conflicted because I could remember his work, but couldn't associate it with a face. I later learned that that death was a suicide -- one of those suicides that seem to come out of the blue, at least for his professors (three of us communicated, and agreed that he'd been doing excellent work days before his death). And many years ago, as a graduate TA, I had a student from the previous semester -- one I did remember well because he'd been a lively participant in classes -- die of autoerotic asphyxia in the week before he was to graduate (there are good and bad ways of dealing with the stress of graduation; that, obviously, is a bad one).
ReplyDeleteI second F&T's suggestion to write his family. I'd also suggest attending any memorial services that are held on or near campus, both for your own sake, and for the sake of your other students, who are probably struggling with what is, for many of them, a very new experience -- knowing someone their own age who died. It's important for them to see adults going through the rituals of mourning, feeling real distress, but/and also getting on with what needs to be done. Sadly, our society doesn't offer a lot of models for that sort of entirely human but still disciplined reaction; instead, they're more likely to have seen people on TV either debilitated by overindulgence in emotion or frozen in rigid indifference. If they see you both mourn and move on, that will help them do the same.
I've had many students die. Fires, suicides, car crashes, cancer. Meth addiction. You name it.
ReplyDeleteSince they're all usually so young, I have this moment where I think "They're dead and I'm alive...that doesn't make a lot of sense..." Then I move on. None of the students that have died have been personally close to me, so I don't tend to agonize over it much, or haven't yet. I just think of it as more proof that the universe is pretty unfair.
In a couple of cases, however, the students remained on the roll when final grades came around. That was pretty creepy, and I had to specifically call the registrar to make them fix things.
I think there is a difference between a student who is just a name on your large-class roster and a student whom you worked with, as AA says was the case. I can't imagine having worked with a student and not being affected on some level by their death. Nor, now, can I imagine not sharing the effect their life had on me, however small.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear about your student. It is hard, especially when a young person passes away. Years ago I had a student who committed suicide in the middle of the semester, and although I didn't know him very well, it was pretty terrible. Very hard on the classmates too, most of whom knew him quite well.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Frog and Toad's suggestion to write a note to the parents and attend the funeral/memorial if you are able. I think it would mean a lot to them.
Thank you all for your condolences and stories. I am glad to report they are establishing an honorarium in the student's name at my school, so at least that is something positive.
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