Tuesday, September 6, 2011

There's a load of stupid in my email box. Classes must be starting.

Dear Dr. Ben,
I would like to play ultimate frisbee with some friends on Tuesdays. Can I move my lab sessions to another day?


This is a tough one. On the one hand, your email was polite and probably honest. By helping you, there's an increased chance that you'll be able to get high and maybe even laid. I don't disocunt those benefits. After all, you do pay my salary. However, you did not provide me with your student number or the class you want to switch into or out of. I would have to check five different pages hidden in our school's Escher-esque website. Sorry, you caught me on a day that I actually ahd to be productive. Try next semester.


Dear most honorable sir,
I wish to run around outside kicking a round ball with black dots. In my country, this game is mistakenly named after the greatest American sport ever. I wish to reschedule my chemistry class so that I can participate in weekly matches with my equally sports-confused peers.


No. I'm glad that chemistry will prevent you from playing soccer. You'll thank me for that later. It's funny how frisbee and soccer are such different sports but neither tugs at my heartstrings.


Dear Professor Ben,
I'd like to reschedule my Wednesday chemistry lab to Thursday. I have a full six hours of classes and labs on Wednesday. Although that would cause you to check five pages in our Escher-like website, it would result in me having only five and a half hours of classes and labs on Thursday. I'll wait outside your office until I hear from you.


Don't wait outside my office. The custodians are waxing the floor this weekend and they'll just buff around you. Then there will be a dull spot (how appropriate) where you sat and it will annoy me all semester. Count yourself lucky that in this economy you can spend six hours being productive. By the way, you're on the right track but it's "Escher-esque."


Gordo was right. That left-aligned picture is kind of creepy.


4 comments:

  1. Ah, the office camper!

    For me, I start showing them star trek videos, talk about time travel, dimensional portals, chem-trails, ...

    until they break and leave.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Your well-written, funny, and pitch-perfect post made my morning. Thanks!

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  3. When that kid sees that you've insulted soccer, he will clutch his leg and roll around on the ground.

    "FOUL! FOUL!"

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  4. Earlier today I spent 20 minutes trying to figure out what classroom I am teaching in. "Escher-like" is the perfect description of my troubles.

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