Friday, October 21, 2011

Based on a True Story . . .

. . . Fuck that. This is an almost word-for-word account. Please to enjoy.

Dramatis Personae
Pat from Peoria – A (relatively) mild-mannered professor at Podunk CC in the State of Denial, who, like many others, is sick and tired of student laziness and their pride in said laziness.
Diligent Douglas – A second year student at Podunk CC. Formerly a student from Local High School #5. A former student of Pat from Peoria in Level 1 Remedial Underwater Electronics two semesters ago. Currently enrolled in Intro to College Underwater Electronics, having successfully passed Level 2 Remedial last semester.
Dumbasses A and B – First year students at Podunk CC (formerly from Local High School #2) that somehow placed into Intro to College Underwater Electronics. Lazy fucks. Proud of their lazy fuck status.

(Scene: Pat from Peoria is finishing clean-up after his class as students from the next class, Intro to College Underwater Electronics, wander in and get comfortable. Pat from Peoria’s back is to the entering students. Diligent Douglas is sitting in the front row, perusing his textbook one last time before class starts. Dumbasses A and B are sitting on their desktops a couple of rows behind Diligent Douglas conversing with each other in a loud manner.)

Dumbass A: I can’t believe that he assigns so much fucking homework.
Dumbass B: Yeah, really.
Dumbass A: How are you doing in class?
Dumbass B: Well, I’ve got a 25% on the homework and a 46% on the first test, so, I don’t know, maybe a B.
Dumbass A: Yeah, me too. This shit is too fucking hard. He should stop giving so much homework and give more practice.

(Pat from Peoria, still with his back to the students, cringes.)

Dumbass B: Yeah, doesn’t he realize that we have lives?
Dumbass A: Yeah, I don’t have time for all the homework he assigns. I mean, just because he’s old and boring doesn’t mean we are.
Dumbass B: Well, if he isn’t going to give more practice, we should get to know that guy. (points to Diligent Douglas.) I heard he got an A.
Dumbass A: Yeah.
(Dumbasses A and B walk over and sit down next to Diligent Douglas.)
Dumbass A: Dude, how old are you?
Diligent Douglas (with a confused look on his face): Uh, 20.
Dumbass A: Cool. Where did you go to high school?
Diligent Douglas: Local High School #5.

(Done with cleaning and packing, Pat from Peoria starts walking toward the door, passing the ongoing conversation.)

Dumbass B: Wow. I heard that was a bad school. You must be really smart to get an A on your test. How did you do it?
Pat from Peoria (with a little bit of venom): Well, if it’s anything like Level 1 Remedial Underwater Electronics, he worked his ass off, did his homework, and went to office hours. In other words, he gave a shit.

(After noticing looks of confusion on the faces of Dumbasses A and B and a smirk on the face of Diligent Douglas, Pat from Peoria continues walking out the door.)

Dumbass A: What do you mean?
Pat from Peoria (stopping and turning around): Was I being too subtle? Do your fucking homework and you might get that practice you whined about.
Dumbass B: But that’s not practice. It’s homework.

(Pat from Peoria facepalms.)

Pat from Peoria: Do me a favor. Hell, do yourselves a favor. When you have to retake this class next semester because you drop or fail, and you will, don’t enroll in my section.

(Pat from Peoria exits.)

FIN

12 comments:

  1. Bravo, but if I said that, Dumbasses A and B would immediately go crying to my department chair, who very soon would be yelling at me.

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  2. Awwww! You might have hurted their precious self-esteem. And now you've gone and smacked their fragile minds with hard reality.

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  3. I got the "too much homework"/"not enough practice" paradox thrown at me the other day. Midterms are next week. I decided to use it against them. I gave them about 100 problems and told them I wasn't collecting it, it's just "practice". Fuck 'em, if they don't want to do homework, I don't have to grade it.

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  4. Bravo. I'm impressed and jealous. Like Froderick suggested, my narrative would not end where yours does. Mine would continue for weeks: e-mails from deans, vice presidents, and meetings, and hearings to assess MY problem with students, my aggression, my temper, etc. But Bravo!

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  5. I believe you stole this entire conversation from me, since this is almost verbatim the conversation that's been taking place with my dead from the neck up students.

    Best comment I heard: why did you make the re-test for the first exam so hard? we only had 2 days to study for this and I don't have that much time to study. (obviously after studying for the exam given on Tuesday, he took a pill that erased his memory, therefore, he did not have enough time for the re-test two days later, on Thursday).

    WTF???

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  6. Wombat, that was my immediate reaction - I'm thinking of just assigning all the problems in the books as practice and never collecting or grading the homework again. Performance on exams will let them know if they practiced enough or have practice issues.

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  7. High five, Pat!

    Hey Wombat.... you should put question numbers 47 and 82 on the midterm verbatim.

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  8. I don't get the practice/homework much. I do think the students see HW as "assessment" rather than an opportunity to learn. So when I give problems that are not nearly identical to examples, they chafe. Seriously, am I supposed to give HW that just changes a 3 to a 4 and an x^2 to an x^3. Heaven forbid I should also then change sine to cosine.

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