Thursday, October 13, 2011

huge tiny thirsty


Q. What's your big mistake?

Are you a fraud? Did you plagiarize back in 1989? And have you been praying ever since then that nobody will find out? Are you one of the most famous frauds in academia? Did your shit-for-brains little gradflake self fabricate data because you were desperate, or because you got bad advice from your advisor? Did you repeatedly lie to colleagues because you wanted to seem better than you actually were?

Or maybe you just got mad at them and killed them because you believed they were actually better than you?

Did you kowtow to the university president in front of an audience, even though you knew he was a psychopath?

Did you drop hints that maybe you were Yaro, because you wanted to be loved like he was?

Were you the one who gave the most embarrassing commencement address ever? Or, worse yet, did you choose not to take that risk? Did you play it safe?

Did you stand by and say nothing while one of your more ordinary colleagues got unnecessarily criticized during a department meeting? Did she blush? Did her ears turn bright red? Could you see her lower lip quivering slightly as she stoically stared down at the desk in front of her?

Did you forget to lock the door that day in the middle of February when you were masturbating in your office with the lights off? And did you later wonder if somebody knew what you were doing? Did they know?

Did you bitterly settle for the second-best job because there was a recession going on and you wanted to feed your children? Or, unfortunately for your children, did you hold out for the job you really wanted? Did you then try to hide the food stamps from your children?

Did you spend decades thinking about writing a letter to your favorite undergrad proffie, only to then discover he died a few months before you sifted through the google for his snailmail address?

Did you say the words "assessment," "accountability", and "budget" with a sparkle in your eye, as if you were talking about your own beloved mother?

Did you pretend that you knew more about gerbil fur than that student in the back row who used to work at a gerbil farm? Do you suspect he politely avoided asking you questions--the answers to which he knew better than you?

Did you waste four minutes of your lunch break sloshing through a goddamn frustrating Thirsty written by some idiot proffie down south of the Mason-Dixon?

Did you show up slightly drunk to class one too many times? Or maybe you sat next to the provost during an hour-long meeting, wondering if he was suspicious of that overwhelming Listerine odor around you?

Did you fart when you were alone on the elevator just before the doors opened and one of your students stepped in? Was there dead silence for the next thirty seconds after that?

Did you forsake love, friends, family, and truth for academe? Did you betray a trust? Did you betray yourself?

Did you?

Q. What was your worst mistake? What's your biggest regret? What put you beyond redemption?

A. _______________________ Don't look at Frod. He can't answer this one for you.

13 comments:

  1. Did you spend decades thinking about writing a letter to your favorite undergrad proffie, only to then discover he died a few months before you sifted through the google for his snailmail address?

    This. Well, my second-favourite. I meant for years to write to tell him how much of a difference his class had made to me.

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  2. I've gotten my way surprisingly often by screaming at people. I wish I'd been able to do it all by being nice to people.


    > Did you spend decades thinking about writing a letter to your favorite
    > undergrad proffie, only to then discover he died a few months before you
    > sifted through the google for his snailmail address?

    YES, but my letter still had a superb effect on his wife.

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  3. Bubba, you have to marry me and take me away on that horse. I will give you many strong sons.

    Unfortunately that's an empty promise as I am already married, and also fat and barren. So I'll need a divorce, and you'll need to saddle another horse. And stock up on estrogen.

    As to your questions:

    I don't think I'm a fraud.

    I've never plagiarized. Or killed anyone.

    I hate university presidents and unless "kowtow" also means "secretly give the finger," I haven't done it.

    I have never kept my mouth shut in a department meeting.

    I never forgot to lock the door.

    I was not good enough for anything better than "second best," and I was happy to get it.

    I just finally wrote a letter to my favorite undergrad proffie a couple of weeks ago. I tracked him down on FB. He's just retired. He hasn't answered.

    If someone says "assessment" to me I imagine what their taint would look like with the imprint of my size 41 birkenstock on it.

    Unfortunately I've never had students smart or advanced enough to know more than I do. I would look forward to such a moment.

    I've never shown up drunk to class. But I have shown up drunk to committee meetings. It was necessary.

    I only fart for revenge.

    I did not forsake anything for academe. I don't think I betrayed a trust. I don't think I betrayed myself.

    But truly, that's probably only because my stakes never got that high.

    My worst mistake had a happy ending. My biggest regret doesn't have much to do with academia.

    And when I'm beyond redemption, I'll let you know.

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  4. Geez, Bubba. You may as well have asked, "Did you breathe today?"

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  5. How could I not have done any of these things? Yet I have perpetrated my own evil, this I know.

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  6. Damn, this is like the purity test I read back in college ("Did you do it in a box? Did you do it with a fox?"). Are we keeping score?

    I occasionally pretend that I'm Beaker Ben but only if I'm messing around with my wife.

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  7. Did you spend decades thinking about writing a letter to your favorite undergrad proffie, only to then discover he died a few months before you sifted through the google for his snailmail address?

    Nailed it. Missed him by a year. He was not my favorite, but one of the most meaningful. I was in touch with my favorite until recently. In another (non-academic) context, I missed someone else by four months.

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  8. Did you spend decades thinking about writing a letter to your favorite undergrad proffie, only to then discover he died a few months before you sifted through the google for his snailmail address?

    I recently wrote to my philosophy prof--the one who advised me not to go into law, because it would kill me--and he was very glad to hear from me, touched that' I'd written.

    The professor who helped keep me in college in the first place, so that I could take that philosophy class, died 11 years ago--well before I even had a chance to thank him for everything he did for me. When I got the news, I sat on the floor and cried. I'm tearing up as I write this. He was only 64, and it came as a shock--though maybe it shouldn't have (he had had drug and alcohol problems prior to my years at the SLAC, though he was sober by the time I got there in 1989). He had a heart attack on Thanksgiving, 2000. I was just thinking about him yesterday, because my SLAC put up a Facebook post about sharing our memories of "Freshman Colloquium"--and mine was with Hale. He was amazing. And without him--without his help--I'd have had to quit school.

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  9. You forgot to include: Did you do a Silent-but-Deadly while lecturing at one side of the room and then nonchalantly stroll to the other side?

    Did you forget to print up the handouts and then get the class writing something so you could dash down to the photocopier, praying that it was working?

    Did you fantasize while supposedly reviewing job applications in the HR office and moan a little before realizing that others were staring at you?

    My only unforgiveable one (I think) would be neglecting my family, knowing I was neglecting them, and staying in the time-sucking Job from Hell so as to earn tenure.

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